AIBU for stopping a nice Muslim girl from showing my son her hair?

[BeSpoonyRedCat]

It was on Monday after school, 10 year old DS, a very traditional 10 year old Muslim girl, and another 10 year old girl from my son's school were in the living room.

DS asked to see the Muslim girl's hair and she was actually about to show him. I stopped her, nothing dramatic. I basically said no sweetie, don't do that. I wasn't loud. Both girls looked like they wanted to laugh while my son looked annoyed. After I finished dropping the girls home, my son was all moody.

Yesterday he was still moody and I asked why he's upset. He basically explained that the Muslim girl doesn't show any other kid her hair. I said there's a reason for that. And I'm thankful my son didn't ask me the reason because I actually don't know.

From my perspective, I was being a responsible adult with my son and 2 girls under my supervision. I don't know the ramifications of that little girl showing my son her hair. I don't know if her parents would have been upset with her. I don't know if her parents would have banned my son from being friends with her. But I'm still wondering if I was dramatic.

Am I being unreasonable?

The presence of the headscarf carries significance, though. It means that the little girl might well not have been supposed to show her hair to a boy. And being that she's so young, it's best to err on the side of caution and not let her do what she's not supposed to. Especially as she was in OP's care at the time, and so OP did what she thought would cause the least upset to the girl and her parents. (As the girl might have felt bad about it afterwards, if she's religious.)

Precisely. Religion doesn't outrank the rights of women and girls.

It's a religion and a culture that is different from your own. It's not horse-shit. Some people find a lot of spiritual meaning in the rituals of their religion, such as wearing a headscarf.

OP feels entitled to another girl's comfort? What on earth does that mean? That sentence doesn't make sense. Did OP steal the girl's seat cushions? 🤣

Op imposed that on this girl. The girl was making her own choices.

You really think I should have let her do it?

It's her hair. What's wrong with people seeking it?

Seeing, not seeking

My son said that this girl doesn't show any other kid her hair. If she's that strict about it, there must be a reason.

And that is her choice to make. You took away her choice.

As I understand it, they can choose to cover their hair when they become adults. There parents (father) must be strict if at that age they're covering their hair.
No idea I'd you were right or wrong tbh. But I would have done the same.
They cover their hair cos no man who isn't their husband or a child should see it. It's part of their belief that they should be modest.

Your medal is in the post

Controlling adults around her?

Well done OP.

You've done something very important. I hope she doesn't feel pressured in the future and learns it's OK to say no.

Then you don't understand it.

Agree with the “virtue signalling” comment conveniently ignored by the OP upthread

I think although 10 years old is young for wearing a hijab, you did a really lovely and considerate thing OP. Firstly by supporting the girl with not feeling pressure to show her hair if she doesn't want to, or perhaps her parent's wouldn't want her to. Secondly through your considerate actions you've taught your son that it's important to respect others boundaries and choices.

As for all those ranting on about how the hijab is misogynistic and it makes women feel responsible for the behaviour of "bad men", Firstly you're completely ignorant and have absolutely no idea about what hijab is. Secondly, please take your horrible prejudice views and nasty opinions and shove them where the sun don't shine! Muslim women don't want to be subjected to your prejudice and oppressive views. You go on about misogyny when you are the ones trying to stop women from wearing what they want on their own heads! Absolute ignorance!

@GentleSheep
If she was wearing a headscarf at that age then she comes from a strict muslim background; BeSpoonyRedCat was right to stop her showing her hair because it would've been seen most probably as "haram" for her to do so when with strangers
And if her family had found out possible molestation ( yes really) charges couldve been brought
When I helped out in my youngest daughters reading class when she was in the infants
A little muslim girl said her scarf was too tight and asked me to help her loosen it a little and I'm going back over 23 years
Honestly, i was just about to do so when the form teacher screamed (yes really) and completely pushed me away from her; apparently I couldve been charged with assault for touching her head.
So dont never ever touch a headscarf ever

This situation sounds unusually exaggerating by the screaming teacher. I can't imagine anyone objecting to a female teacher helping a young girl with adjusting her hijab. I don't think it's a case of don't ever touch a headscarf. If you're female and you know the girl/ woman who wears hijab, or you're a female teacher, of course you can help with hijab if asked. Although it's a bit of a minefield nowadays with strictl rules for school staff about not touching any school children, in any normal way sadly I used to work in schools and most child are tactile and a pat on the head or back might be the only affection they get for some children. Sadly normal affectionate touch has been put under the same category as inappropriate touching. This is going to create mixed messages and issues for children, sadly.

Protecting her from what?

That's a pronouncement of white Western ignorance and arrogance...It is their way and their culture. Maybe she is choosing to wear the headscarf before puberty (if she is pre-puberty) as an outward sign of her spiritual commitment to her god. Maybe it's meaningful to her.

From potentially getting into trouble with her parents, maybe being stopped from playing with others outside her religion, perhaps feelings of guilt later if she felt that she had betrayed the spiritual meaning of the headscarf...she is only 10 and, like all children, doesn't always know what the best choice is.

All that pressure on a 10 year old girl over bloody hair. So backwards

Yes, because all ten-year-olds know exactly the right thing to do all the time and make excellent choices, don't they!

She was a child in OP's care, and OP did her best to be culturally sensitive. Showing boys her hair is quite probably not what she should be doing as far as her parents are concerned, although we don't know that. But OP was right to err on the side of caution.

That's generally the white Western view, yes. It's intolerant imo and makes no effort to understand another culture.