At my wits end with DD5

[vanillachoc]

DD can be a major arsehole when we are out. And it’s very much the majority of the time - I’ve been battling this for years and she just won’t stop. She runs away from me during school pickup, across the playground and then once I manage to lure her out (only by peer pressure from her sensible friends walking out on their own like perfect angels) she runs without stopping across multiple roads. It’s fucking infuriating. Nobody else’s kids do it. I can’t run after her as I always have DS (5 months) in the pram. Before that me or DH would just have to bomb it after her, pick her up and carry her home screaming. She also does it in the park when it’s time to leave, will just run away laughing until I drag her out by the wrist, and then she hangs onto the railings and won’t move. Can no longer carry her due to having the pram and her weight. Pretending to go without her doesn’t work either - she’ll just say bye and run off. I’ve gotten to the end of the path before and she doesn’t care. I’ve taken things off of her, threatened xyz, this kid doesn’t give a toss. I’m at the point where I feel terrified to go outside with her. I’ve tried using reins and wrist links to embarrass her and make her walk sensibly - she just lays down or stands there and refuses to move. She’s an angel at school and for everyone else, except with us. I don’t know what to do. Her behaviour has been awful since she turned 2.

AIBU to just want to run away myself?

Could you speak with the school and ask if the can keep her in class 5 mins after the other kids have left so at least it is less chaotic then. At this point you could put the wrist strap on and maybe have some space to try working with her on if she can actually walk without the reins?
also, you may already have done this, but from your posts it doesn’t sound unlikely that your DD is ND, even if you don’t want to push for a diagnosis yet it sounds worth doing your research on best strategies to parent a kid with ND, there’s heaps of information available
also, regarding a diagnosis, you asked what difference it makes and you also state your own experience where things sounded pretty hard and lonely OP, I’m sorry things were like for you, maybe with support your DD (and yours!) experience of childhood might be smoother

And that's why all the kids in this country are spoiled and feral

No need to announce your report, love.

That’s your opinion. But there’s no evidence to back that up.

Doing something dangerous but she clearly has no concept about, would result in you physically punishing her and possibly hurting her?okay...

My DS was like this, his sisters never were, he would bolt from the age of about 2. Outgrew it between about 6 and 7 (still has a tendency to storm off in the wrong direction if he’s annoyed- but it isn’t so fast/far/dramatic and you can talk him round). We just had to do lots of making him go in a pushchair/hold hands (which he hated, but it still didn’t deter him the next time!)

Does she do any sports OP. At 5 she could be in Gymnastics or Swimming several times a week to really tire her out.

Maybe consider staying away from advice threads advising mums to smack their children then.

I have a 4 year old like this. I’m so firm, reins attached to the pram I also have a 1year old. I find the more I try and coax him round the worse it is, I think it’s attention. I pay no attention to him when he’s playing up, completely ignore him. I have stickers at home for good behaviour he’s definitely improving when he’s not getting a reaction from the bad behaviour!

There'll be unseen consquences of ADHD as adults that people manage with that aren't even known as different till things start going wrong, masking, covering up struggles. Sorry, but your son is not magically cured, if he is, he never had it, it's lifelong, you live with it.

No thanks.

No, because I'm not a doctor. I'd arrange to get them assessed, 100% though.

You're in the wrong place.

Who left you in charge?

She just needs discipline.

Explain to the teacher she is out of control and running into roads. School might agree to do a focus on road safety in assembly. Tell the teacher in short term you are going to make her comply by having a rein. This may entail some delays gettting to or leaving school as she will scream and refuse.

you let her. You don’t blink first. If you had done this when she was 2 or 3 she would have learned that your “No, you will walk beside me” means something.

If she wants to lie in the pavement and scream because she’s tied to the pram or to ur wrist, let her. Don’t get cross just calmly wait.

Personally I’d practice at the weekend first, go out twice on Sat and Sun and walk the route to school, see how she gets on. If she manages to walk nicely then she gets a lot of praise and reward.

Distract her with a game of I Spy or talking about food or toys or summer holidays, or “let’s pretend who lives in that house.”

Let her take charge of deciding where and when it’s safe to cross a road - get her to tell the baby to stop at the edge of the pavement, tell the baby how you decide if it’s safe to cross. Guide her gently if she is wrong and praise her if she stops nicely and makes a good decision.

Once she learns to infallibly stop at a road and wait, it doesn’t matter if she runs ahead a little bit.

As for running off in parks - you contract beforehand that “we will go to the park today and tomorrow. I will tell you when there is five minutes to go at the park, and then you have to leave when I say. If you don’t, we won’t be able to go to the park again tomorrow because it’s not safe for you to run away from me.”

What are the earphones for?

We have a 4 year old at our nursery who does this. Her mum says she has a meltdown as soon as she leaves.

That sounds really tough. I had a runner but he would stay with me after school and wouldn't purposely run into a busy road, just wouldn't look / wouldn't consider that we might want to know where he was! It's left me with anxiety. He used to also do the running away when it was time to go. He's comparatively pretty good now age 10.

Does she get much chance to run around in a safe environment? I wonder if she feels the need to blow off steam especially after school. It's there a way you can facilitate that? I also think the idea of asking the teacher for support is a good one.

In the meantime one of those rucksacks with a handle might be good. My child would not have felt embarrassed age 5 so I wouldn't pull on that lever.

My child never seemed to learn from natural consequences, or punishments 🤷🏼‍♀️ instant rewards with lots of support sometimes worked for some things. But really the only thing that worked was them maturing.

Finally, don't worry about other parents judging you. I know it can feel embarrassing when their child walks out perfectly and yours comes out and hits you, shouts, runs off etc.

And yet.... Describes my eldest perfectly.

Thanks all. We have removed tablet and intending on cold turkey. I explained there will be no more tablet and there was whinging but she accepted it. Will see how she walks home today as I’ve bought another wrist strap and will be using it at the first hint of running - however we are meant to be going to park with school friends so this may or may not keep her sensible. If any running occurs we will skip out on park.

Totally agree!
And the ND flag always pops out on MN! Kids these days can't just be deemed to be little sods who are just misbehaving badly and who haven't been shown consistent boundaries. There always has to be a label! 🙄

100%! 👏🏼

I'm sorry but the bit about her not caring if you try to leave her ("okay bye") made me laugh... Because my son was EXACTLY like this! I could walk 2 steps from my DD and she would cry and run after me. Tried it with my DS and he'd bloody wave me off! 👋🏼🤦🏻‍♀️ I remember threatening to leave him outside the swimming baths once and it was my DD that had a meltdown as she though I was actually abandoning her little brother 🤣 For all my life I have had literal nightmares about losing my son. He has successfully run away several times and been 'lost' for what felt like forever (longest was probably about 15 mins).

It's not funny at the time though, I completely get it. My son was diagnosed ADHD at age 13 actually so I do wonder if your DD is similar. He gave zero shits about consequences. Suggesting she 'just needs discipline'... 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️ Yeah, like you've not tried that a million times!! Smacking wouldn't work either. They can't think ahead to what possible future consequences might be (so telling her "if you don't behave today we won't come back tomorrow" will never work). TBF that bit of my DS's brain is only just coming on line now at nearly 15. He has also struggled with the concept of danger too so that isn't a tactic you can use successfully.

It's about finding what does work. And having eyes in the back of your head. And not taking your eye off them for even a second. And accepting that there are certain things you can't do (at the moment) with your kid. Solidarity, I've been there 🫂

Get a harness?

The screaming 🤣