At my wits end with DD5

[vanillachoc]

DD can be a major arsehole when we are out. And it’s very much the majority of the time - I’ve been battling this for years and she just won’t stop. She runs away from me during school pickup, across the playground and then once I manage to lure her out (only by peer pressure from her sensible friends walking out on their own like perfect angels) she runs without stopping across multiple roads. It’s fucking infuriating. Nobody else’s kids do it. I can’t run after her as I always have DS (5 months) in the pram. Before that me or DH would just have to bomb it after her, pick her up and carry her home screaming. She also does it in the park when it’s time to leave, will just run away laughing until I drag her out by the wrist, and then she hangs onto the railings and won’t move. Can no longer carry her due to having the pram and her weight. Pretending to go without her doesn’t work either - she’ll just say bye and run off. I’ve gotten to the end of the path before and she doesn’t care. I’ve taken things off of her, threatened xyz, this kid doesn’t give a toss. I’m at the point where I feel terrified to go outside with her. I’ve tried using reins and wrist links to embarrass her and make her walk sensibly - she just lays down or stands there and refuses to move. She’s an angel at school and for everyone else, except with us. I don’t know what to do. Her behaviour has been awful since she turned 2.

AIBU to just want to run away myself?

No it wouldn't I can assure you of that.

I knew people would just say she's ND.

My daughter got to age 6 before being her true self at school.

This is child abuse. I can assure you if a teacher knew this you would be reported without hesitation.

She needs to wear reins or a wrist strap. When she kicks of and screams and cries that it’s unfair then you tell her that until she can learn to behave herself, this is how it is.
Failing that, give her a sharp shock next time she does it. And yes I mean really shout and scare the shit out of her. She’s going to end up getting herself killed.
A 5 year old should not be behaving this way.

It’s child abuse in England! I hope her kids are ok!

Get a double buggy and she uses that when you need to walk somewhere so she cannot run off.

Shes either just very naughty or there is going to be Sen in the mix somewhere.

It’s says this on internet

In England, it is illegal to smack a child unless it constitutes "reasonable punishment" under Section 58 of the Children Act 2004

But in Scotland it is completely illegal

its a very grey area but If a child went into school and said my mum smacked me and the mark was shown to a teacher and there was a bruise it would be reported by the school and you would have a visit. Parenting courses would have to be attended if a parent said ‘it was a punishment’

Can't believe how many posters are saying to give her a slap. Apart from it being absolutely unacceptable in any society does anybody think the OP could do this at the school gates and not be reported . Quite possibly arrested too ?

Because sometime and often it’s just naughty behaviour. Have you read the replies from posters who said their kids grew out of it? You would have diagnosed them too?

What happens if you say she has to stay beside you/hold hands or [insert thing that she likes e.g. screen time] will be taken away? Or telling her that she'll end up getting hit by a car and will need to go to hospital?

Sometimes threats and scare tactics are useful if it's a matter of safety

Reins for the walk home from school. Drag if you have to: they stand up when it starts to hurt. Hold her by the shirt collar until she is attached to the reins.

Pair it with an immediate reward (e.g. a smartie) when you get home if she's walked nicely with you. Set her a goal e.g. she needs to walk nicely on the reins for a week to get to walk without the reins (lots of reinforcement of how embarrassing to be on reins like a baby). It starts again if she runs off, so she has to do 5 days in a row.

Then if she can do it sensibly for a week without reins she can try the park.

I've done many a walk holding tight to 2 children's wrists. It's shitty and embarrassing when it's from school, but it's necessary. You'll get there, OP.

again it’s illegal to hit kids Wtaf

This.

Or a very firm wrist hold every time.

lol, I am 50, I was sent to granny to look after in the summers. I climbed on roofs of the outbuildings, shouting to her: you can't catch me, I ran far ahead on a specific rope bridge in a resort with missing wooden planks, above a river filled with rocks, I ran roads ahead and strangers asked me to whom adult I belong......only to turn to A star amazing student.....my own used to have this energy, run accross busy roads, run around shops and through shops, pulling stuff off rails, climbing up and not being able to climb down and me only to not be able to get her down because I put a lot on weight.....only this child to become the most polite, quiet A star student herself. She is now in puberty and put a lot of weight on herself, cannot even run anymore, all she does prefers sedentary life, so do I

LOL

I am very much not going to smack my child. That is a disgusting suggestion.

I agree that there is the possibility of her being ND.
Whether she is or not though doesn't change the fact that her behaviour is unsafe. If she is running across roads that is dangerous and I agree she needs to either be put on a buggy board behind the pram or have reins (perhaps one of those wrist ones) until she can hold your hand.

it is a mild form of undiagnosed ADHD but goes wears off very fast once puberty comes in

I have never being smacked even though coming from old fashioned country and neither my child was ever. Puberty wears off this kind of energy

I guess you’re English? Most of the UK has moved on from that.

I don’t have a diagnosis but I’m very sure that I have autism - I wondered all my childhood why I was disliked and it was because I saw things in a very one dimensional manner and everyone else was wrong - I was also very smart and introverted. My DD is the opposite, very kind and considerate of her peers’ opinions, has lots of friends but still very intelligent for her age. I have suspected something with her as it’s been an ongoing struggle for years, she was very destructive as a toddler and physically aggressive but the HV didn’t believe me because she acted angelic in front of her. But is it worth pursuing a diagnosis? What does it add exactly, for a child who isn’t struggling or showing issues at school? Her teachers aren’t concerned in the slightest. Even her dad (my ex) says she’s fine with him (which I doubt as she says he shouts). It feels like me and DH are the only ones who see it.

My thoughts too to be honest.

Thank fuck! Glad you feel this way op.

Violence won’t solve anything.

I would imagine that she’s seeing it as a bit of a game. I would consider making the alternative more exciting. Does she like music? Would she wear headphones (some cool cat ones or something?) when walking?
Sticker books with a new sticker when it’s time to go but not to be stuck in the book until she gets in and has stayed safe.

Mine used to hold a magic pebble on the way home and when we got in he was rewarded with ice cream for taking good care of the pebble.

Oh I’m going to try this tommorow! Although I started my son on adhd medication after two years or toying with the idea and my house has been so calm and pleasant this evening 🥹🥹

I’ll never understand why it’s not banned here.