At my wits end with DD5

[vanillachoc]

DD can be a major arsehole when we are out. And it’s very much the majority of the time - I’ve been battling this for years and she just won’t stop. She runs away from me during school pickup, across the playground and then once I manage to lure her out (only by peer pressure from her sensible friends walking out on their own like perfect angels) she runs without stopping across multiple roads. It’s fucking infuriating. Nobody else’s kids do it. I can’t run after her as I always have DS (5 months) in the pram. Before that me or DH would just have to bomb it after her, pick her up and carry her home screaming. She also does it in the park when it’s time to leave, will just run away laughing until I drag her out by the wrist, and then she hangs onto the railings and won’t move. Can no longer carry her due to having the pram and her weight. Pretending to go without her doesn’t work either - she’ll just say bye and run off. I’ve gotten to the end of the path before and she doesn’t care. I’ve taken things off of her, threatened xyz, this kid doesn’t give a toss. I’m at the point where I feel terrified to go outside with her. I’ve tried using reins and wrist links to embarrass her and make her walk sensibly - she just lays down or stands there and refuses to move. She’s an angel at school and for everyone else, except with us. I don’t know what to do. Her behaviour has been awful since she turned 2.

AIBU to just want to run away myself?

Have an amazing (calm) evening!

Yes I agree. My 5 yo has probably only run a little way ahead once at 2.5yo. I explained why it was dangerous and never again. I can’t imagine the behaviour OP is describing.

I wasn’t aware it was illegal to smack your child in England?

But it's fine to let your child run into the road when you can't even chase after them?

Well said.

I tried never to smack mine, although i did smack the eldest once when he pulled my hair very hard, but I cannot believe people think it’s worse to smack a child across the back of the legs than not be able to stop them from running across roads.

Ever tried speaking to her about why she does it?

The running into the road is really scary. Not only could it harm your child, but another family could see their future changed irrevocably. It is dangerous. I could be driving that day and hit your kid.

I'd never get over that. And I have my own kids to be here for. I'd be a mess.

Jesus.

I didn’t want to admit this as I’m pretty afraid of the pushback on this site but she does have a tablet which I feel has contributed to this behaviour. We started using it shortly before DS was born because I was just absolutely knackered and then when he came along he ended up with severe reflux, CMPA etc and we have been on our knees for a long time up until now. I feel guilty for letting it go on for so long but it’s been a survival tool for us as DS has needed so much attention and zapped our energy. We are trying to wean her off of it but I find myself giving in moreso on weekends as DH works them and she is very high energy - constantly shouting (she failed her hearing test recently so possible hearing issues), sings very loudly at me all day, begs and begs for hours for things and proceeds to following me around trying to trip me up and not letting me walk around if I don’t give her what she wants. DH is meant to be getting whole weekends off from next week though so we will have more time and attention to give. But she was also like this before the tablet - I didn’t give her one before DS because I would just push through and cope thinking it would just go away and she would mature. I feel like a terrible parent and I’m constantly burned out despite being a SAHM and having lots of help from DH and her being at her dad’s 3 days a week. I’m just so done.

I know. At this point I’m just going to have to persist with the wrist link every day.

We have done this many times. The confusing thing is, she understands road safety and that she will be killed by a car. She can recite this to her friends. I have told her straight that she will die. But she continues to run off. She says “I just wanted to” when she runs.

So she's only with you 4 days a week and you're a SAHM but you can't cope so you gave her a tablet and now she's playing up?

At my DCs school (in England) a teacher would most definitely notice or be notified and this would be reported to SS. Not to mention any difficult behaviour moving forward would be blamed on the fact they are an abused child.

Is it just after school OP? My 4YO is like this after school as she masks all day. Look up 'restraint collapse'.

So you need to set clear boundaries. Again even if ND you need to set clear expectations regarding walking safely and even tablet use.
Give the options - you hold the pram to walk home or we need to use the wrist strap.
With the tablet you need to limit the use. If you depend on it you need to save it for the specific times it's needed. Give a countdown - 5 mins warning of it going away, and then you need to be firm. The more you give in to it the harder it becomes.

ADHD is a neurological condition, I don’t think it wears off come puberty, Infact most adhd symptoms worsen at that time

Just to say OP my son was the exact same, I held him tight or had to have his dad to help, he was diagnosed at 3 with asd though

I may try completely removing the tablet over a short time and then if the behaviour continues long after it’s gone I will push through with a behavioural diagnosis because I genuinely can’t take it anymore.

Even if she is ND you still have to manage the behaviour.

Have you tried making it all really fun and setting challenges along the route like 'run to the postbox and stand completely still' and getting her to do the same to you? Sometimes that worked for me.

Certainly you need some kind of reset /new approach. I know it's exhausting but she probably would rather behave well and you be to help her be able to do it. Are you giving her time warnings at the park and that sort of thing?

While a diagnosis will help understanding and perhaps give support, it won't be a magic wand and you will still need to set the boundaries and use the wrist strap. It may be that the school allow you a different collection method (some of our sen children are allowed to be collected early and parents can park in the staff car park so they don't have to go far, other children however have the same experience as all the other children but TAs put reins on the child ready and take the child directly to the parent holding their hand).

Wait - I just saw you are not with her dad. Did you split up around the time the behaviour began?

I do 5 minutes, 2 minutes and 1 minute. When she knows time is up and I come towards her she runs.

Sounds scary op! Sympathy.

It sounds like you are considering neuro diversity. I've got 2 nephews who were/are runners, one now diagnosed ADHD, the other in progress for this. She could have low impulse control, lack of danger awareness even though she can say the right words, and also be young for her age. So I don't think punishing or explaining will necessarily help.

Irrespective of the reason the main thing is getting home from school safely. Is there a different approach you could take? Drive? Cycle? (Ok that might be worse!) Buggy board? What's the schools playground like, could you have 20 minutes in the playground let everyone else go let her burn off some energy, then leave? Does she still do this if she's with a friend, if not is there someone you could walk with? Or someone you could leave the pram with if you need to leg it after her! Set clear expectations before starting the journey. Practice the journey, practice where you want her to wait, agreed places like by a sign. And reward this! Jelly tot, sticker, whatever.

For your overwhelm at home I guess it's things like keeping her active, kids clubs, park, trampoline at home, indoor active toys like wobble boards or whatever. Table tennis. Games. Tag teaming with your husband to get some quiet time yourself and engaging with her fully when you're with her. I don't think the tablet is the enemy and cause, but personally I'd prefer to reduce screen time by replacing it with other purposeful activities rather than have a battle.And maybe think about what she's engaging with on it, bluey, great, YouTube, not so much.

Good luck!

No, we split up a month after her birth so she has never known us together.

Op - steady on, I don't think you're a terrible parent. My second child had reflux and CMPA and life was bloody complicated. I don't think giving your daughter a tablet is the end of the world.
It sounds like you need more support. There's only so much you can do, you're only one human.
Get the safety stuff covered and grit your teeth but ask for help too. Do you have a support network, family, friends that could help? Can someone join you on the school run from a safety, and support, perspective?

Don't give yourself a hard time. I fear my earlier comment was too stark. I think you need back up.

Get rid of the pram and put baby in a sling. Then you have your hands free to hold onto her hand tightly and be able to run after her if you need to.

Mine used to stop immediately if they heard me call out ‘stop’ otherwise they knew they’d be holding my hand. I was surprised it always worked tbh. I guess your DD needs to know who is the boss!

i would if I could but DS is a 90+ centile baby and I am small and thin. I also have ankle/foot/probably entire body issues due to hypermobility and chronic pain so running after her is not something I can easily do. It’s going to have to be wrist strap I think.