At my wits end with DD5

[vanillachoc]

DD can be a major arsehole when we are out. And it’s very much the majority of the time - I’ve been battling this for years and she just won’t stop. She runs away from me during school pickup, across the playground and then once I manage to lure her out (only by peer pressure from her sensible friends walking out on their own like perfect angels) she runs without stopping across multiple roads. It’s fucking infuriating. Nobody else’s kids do it. I can’t run after her as I always have DS (5 months) in the pram. Before that me or DH would just have to bomb it after her, pick her up and carry her home screaming. She also does it in the park when it’s time to leave, will just run away laughing until I drag her out by the wrist, and then she hangs onto the railings and won’t move. Can no longer carry her due to having the pram and her weight. Pretending to go without her doesn’t work either - she’ll just say bye and run off. I’ve gotten to the end of the path before and she doesn’t care. I’ve taken things off of her, threatened xyz, this kid doesn’t give a toss. I’m at the point where I feel terrified to go outside with her. I’ve tried using reins and wrist links to embarrass her and make her walk sensibly - she just lays down or stands there and refuses to move. She’s an angel at school and for everyone else, except with us. I don’t know what to do. Her behaviour has been awful since she turned 2.

AIBU to just want to run away myself?

anyone?

No help but my first was like this. Still mortified from having to chase her round and round the car whilst the childminder watched every sodding day.

She did change around primary to wanting to walk ahead of us and pretend we were the childminders rather than parents. That was... interesting.

Solidarity OP. She's now 30 with her own tearaway child 🤐

Yup. I have one of these. Knows to stop at roads but otherwise runs off all the bloody time. It’s most infuriating when it happens the the supermarket leaving me abandoning the trolly mid shop not knowing when I’ll be able to return.

I mean firstly I'd go back to the reins/ wrist strap as a matter of urgency. Not to embarrass her but keep her safe. Bombing it across several roads is terrifying!
I'd rather have a child lying down than running so that would be non negotiable. Any sen/ sensory processing issues? Is it a game to her? What's behaviour in school like?

DS was like this. Would never come when he was told, would run off, hide, refuse to get out of soft play and go hide at the furthest/highest point. So many tellings off, consequences, big talks, reward charts etc etc.
There was no miracle cure, he just sort of grew out of it, I think around 7. He is a very well behaved 14 year old now.

What you are describing isn’t just infuriating it’s also incredibly dangerous. I’d be investing in a sturdy double buggy ( and a pair of earphones) and this is how madam would be travelling for as long as it took to make her reliable around roads. Sounds like a strong willed kid so could be a while!

Running across the road would warrant a smack in my house. If she has to be really frightened for her own safety then so be it.

Neurodivergent behaviour? Get her checked. Surprised no one has said this.

I would be getting her seen by a psychiatrist as that is not normal behaviour if she is running into roads. There would be no treats, no toys, no nothing for her either, and get the reins on her quick smart and tell her how embarrassing for her in front of her friends to have to use baby reins. Even more so if she throws herself down and has a tantrum. Speak to the SEN at school too

That’s illegal if she is in Scotland

I'd smack her but I'll get attacked for saying that on here.

I’d go back to reins, if she refused to walk then maybe get a double buggy strap her in and let her tantrum about it. If she’s an angel for everyone else then she clearly know how to behave but chooses not to for you so you need to get tough with her. Absolutely do not let her get away with anything without a serious consequence. She will soon learn to tow the line when she realises that you are consistent with her

After being 'good'/compliant all day, it's a release of all of her pent-up energy. This is a very typical autistic/ADHD behaviour trait.

“she just lays down or stands there and refuses to move”
Let her! Don’t be afraid of her or the attention it draws. Make her wear the reins every single time until she stops doing this. Of course she won’t listen to you if she knows you won’t follow through. Of course she will run off if she knows there are no real consequences. Get tough!

And Wales

This is so dangerous as a PP has said.
Are school staff aware of how she behaves on leaving? I’d discuss any support or strategies they could offer or suggest leaving just before or after others to avoid the audience/ being centre of attention. Or “ Mrs Jones is watching from the window” might work.
You say she is well behaved at school
so assume she returns to class after break, lunch P.E. Assembly etc so she understands and can do it.
Does she respond to positive rewards such as collecting tokens for walking home holding the pram and a chosen low cost reward or treat for 3 in a week build to 5.
Have you tried presenting the rules for going to the park, warnings with a timer or a “ reward” for complying such as a treat in the car or ice cream on the walk back.
You could also try saying we cant go to the park as you wont come home.
Look at STAR analysis Setting Trigger Action Result to unpick behaviour to ensure that shes not inadvertently being rewarded for negative behaviours.
I’d also look at road safety books and resources.

At age 5? Able to mask all day perfectly at school? Not in my experience.

I’d continue with the wrist strap restraint I’m afraid OP. Invested in a small packet of chocolate buttons and for every 10 positive steps, issue a chocolate button.

park issue, don’t go unless it’s both parents. My oldest was exactly the same and it got to a point where I took the buggy in to pick him up and informed him that, for his own safety, he’d have to travel by buggy out to the car. Took about a week before he got fed up of being teased. Good luck!

It’s so challenging as my 8 yo still does this on occasion (less and less now) he’s awaiting ADHD/autism assessment but it is tough. I have actually been in the car driving away and he still does not care!! It’s much more challenging when there’s a sibling involved too.

Yip, mines a year older but defo ND. V similar with mine, rolling round tantrums on the floor in shops etc.

My 2nd eldest was a bit like this I had to use reins until he was 4 then he got better at holding onto his baby sister’s pushchair but at parks it was very hard to get him to come out to go home he’d have what I thought was massive tantrums but now know they are meltdowns. He was diagnosed with ADHD age 6 & ASD age 7 so I’d definitely look into getting your daughter assessed as impulsivity and no awareness of danger are traits

My son did at that age, went inside himself all day at nursery and school and life was an absolute stressful nightmare at home

That would make her run off even more.

Hey! Your daughter sounds just like my two youngest they are both diagnosed adhd and ASD. There are lots of umbrellas under these conditions some severe some moderate. I would say your daughter is showing signs of impulsive dangerous play and the reason she seems wild coming out of school and not like her peers is because the mask has come off and she no longer needs to hold all the processing sensory and noises in her head throughout the day. She will get to an age at school where she can no longer mask and it will all come out, and it will feel out of the blue and come from nowhere my daughter got diagnosed in year 2 when she couldn’t keep up with the masking any longer and got suspended. Here if you need to chat!