At my wits end with DD5

[vanillachoc]

DD can be a major arsehole when we are out. And it’s very much the majority of the time - I’ve been battling this for years and she just won’t stop. She runs away from me during school pickup, across the playground and then once I manage to lure her out (only by peer pressure from her sensible friends walking out on their own like perfect angels) she runs without stopping across multiple roads. It’s fucking infuriating. Nobody else’s kids do it. I can’t run after her as I always have DS (5 months) in the pram. Before that me or DH would just have to bomb it after her, pick her up and carry her home screaming. She also does it in the park when it’s time to leave, will just run away laughing until I drag her out by the wrist, and then she hangs onto the railings and won’t move. Can no longer carry her due to having the pram and her weight. Pretending to go without her doesn’t work either - she’ll just say bye and run off. I’ve gotten to the end of the path before and she doesn’t care. I’ve taken things off of her, threatened xyz, this kid doesn’t give a toss. I’m at the point where I feel terrified to go outside with her. I’ve tried using reins and wrist links to embarrass her and make her walk sensibly - she just lays down or stands there and refuses to move. She’s an angel at school and for everyone else, except with us. I don’t know what to do. Her behaviour has been awful since she turned 2.

AIBU to just want to run away myself?

No, it is not fine. We were sitting with mine once on a bus stop bench waiting for a bus, this is majour busy road with cars coming constantly. Suddenly she stood up and shot right accross the road and ran back looking at me with glaring little devil eyes, even though she is angelic .....I was sick with fear and imagined her for a second totally wiped out under a car. She was only 3. I did not let her doing it though. We were just sitting at the bus stop and I was telling her something and she seemed interested, then suddenly, for less than a second she did this. I almost died from heart attack. But now she is the opposite, she is scared of literally everything and is big on how to do things in the safest possible manner.

I am so glad to hear this. Gives me great reassurance that me and my daughter who both had this level of energy but it wore off completely at puberty do not have ADHD

Sounds like reigns are needed, my son used to always run off anx even the threat of walking straight to town to get him some baby reigns stopped him before we even got out of the school gates

My DD was exactly the same & was always on the naughty step in nursery & reception. She just didn't care if she was in trouble for anything. Second term of year 1 though, she just completely flipped and turned into a little angel that would cry if someone else was being told off.

She is 16 now & is on the spectrum, but is very sensible (far more so than i was at 16). If I saw her running I would probably assume there were zombies though 😂

I still have no idea how I kept her alive for 4 of the first 6 years of her life though!

Odd persistent behaviours are worth checking out. She’ll be OK when younger, then she’ll struggle as she reaches puberty I’m afraid. Get that assessment done so she gets support ASAP ready for when she gets to 10/11. That’s when you get all the issues starting. Girls change very dramatically once they start entering puberty and it won’t be cute or funny. Be honest, you posted and asked for help. Both you and her dad are experiencing issues. We get used to things about our children, but that doesn’t mean there’s nothing wrong. There very much is. I speak from experience.

I also would try the reins for a while.
Praise her friends walking out so nicely.
Also as soon as she makes a move in the right direction "well done DD, you're coming when I asked you to" and then say nothing when she runs off again at the park.
It's become a game of chase for her.
I find standing still and saying nothing works well. Take a book and read that (for some reason it seems to be more effective than looking at your phone).
@BeFunnyBiscuit some adults find their ADHD symptoms lessen in adult life and the brain matures both in adolescence and then in mid 20s. I think it's about 25% of those diagnosed with ADHD don't have any disabling symptoms in adult life.

That really isn’t helpful information. As people become adults things often get worse. As a young adult I struggled really badly. I turned to alcohol. As an adult when I had my children it nearly broke me. I had no idea why. You need a diagnosis and an understanding of how your brain works and either medication or coping mechanisms.

My son was the same , ADHD ..a grown man now , own buisness, house, and kids but still cant keeep still ,so hard as a child x

Reported your post. You are advising people to hit their children. Shame on you.

Thank you for the info...

Sorry, I haven’t read the whole thread but I really feel for you. This sounds so stressful.

I notice you say that she behaves for everyone else. Could you speak to the teacher and tell them about the dangerous way she behaves after leaving class and walking home. Ask if you could come into the room at the end of the day to set expectations before she is dismissed. Involving the teacher, someone she behaves for, might set something ticking in her wee brain.

this advice is spot on. Anytime I involved another person, usually teacher or professional, my daughter implemented the advice immediately

Reported your comment

She needs to go back on reins for her own safety. It sounds like she lacks impulse control. My daughter, with suspected ADHD, was exactly the same. Things improved with practising following basic instructions in the park. We would practise following instructions. I started with stop, come back and wait. If she didn't listen, she went back on the reins. It took a while, but she got in eventually. Then she had more freedom, and the instructions would have more detail, like stop at the black bin/ lamppost or wait at the bench. I still hold her hand when she's not regulated. I can tell as sokn as i collect hwr from school what type of day she has Now for the most part she walks safely and follows instructions.

Realistically, if she can't hear you, then you need to resolve that issue first.

It might not be helpful but it's true. Not for everyone, but for some.
Our DS has improved massively in his impulsivity as he's entered his teens. I doubt he will be symptom free but if you ask 100 adults who have been diagnosed as a child, some of them will say they are no longer disabled by their symptoms.

She sounds like she has a lot of pent up energy at the end of every day and wants to be playing chase. Can you go to a small gated playpark after school every day, leave the pram in the corner furthest from the gate and not chase her exactly but stalk her, pretend you have claws and growl at her so she can play at being chased. Then when it's time to go have several breadsticks to eat on the way home to bribe her with in between singing her favourite songs together. I think you need to try making beign around you more fun than running away from you.

I wonder if she desperately wants you to join in with her more, do you have much time for having fun and playing with her in the way she likes? (which if she's ND might be different to how you expect a child to 'play'). I'd be trying to give her as much attention as you can so she wants to behave to get that attention from you. Tell her how much fun it is playing games with her and make it a really positive experience, she's probably aware that you find her difficult and that might make things worse behaviour wise. It's more difficult to do when you're also juggling a baby but worth considering.

You already said the wrist strap just leads to her lying down or refusing to move so it doesn't seem like a very suitable solution unfortunately.

ASD has something ridiculous like an 80% comorbitity with hypermobility/EDS this sounds like ADHD/ASD/PDA or similar. Research and then push for behavioural assessment

use baby reigns. My mum did it on me once I never ran away again, I was mortified and told her I wasn’t a dog!

Ah I hear you! After school my daughter is a nightmare (although getting better). Ran out of the school with other kids before I could catch her and nearly across the road.
I dragged her by the wrist/arms/ whole body several times.

Things that worked:
-small sugary treats (small biscuits) that I had. One by one. Wrist strap/firm grasp of the wrist/ you will walk nicely with me the whole time (“mummy no stop I’ll be good now” -tried it once -big fail). All The way home for a week. Or the promise of an ice lolly.

At home-well done great work All nice. Food and drink straight away and straight outside/playing/watching CBeebies normal TV. No comments about what happened. A hug. Ah a busy day. What did you do, can you remember? Did you have a nice day?

Sometimes she would cry and say sorry but I told her it’s ok, just let’s not try to do it again (even though I was furious/scared/upset). No good talking about why she did it-she doesn’t know!

We’ve moved on to marbles in a jar for doing good (everything from nice waking to teeth cleaning to hair washing) and we chose which side of the road to walk on -my favourite side- her favourite side. Scooter, skipping and ‘5 lovely things’ each also help.

Sometimes we get home and she says ‘I walked home nicely today, didn’t I?” And sometimes she’s a pain. But we move on (and I relive it!)

My key mantra is: she needs to be safe, and I will do my whatever it takes. Even if it is dragging her home.

And, despite the impulses, she is starting to realise that.

Good luck!

My auADHD lad never once got told off at school. Absolute angel.
Came home or to the park and went wild for a good hour. And then stimmed for a good half hour after that. Everyday!

My brother's son is very high energy and used to run off down the road. I taught him about rescue dog running. When mountain rescue dogs find an injured person, they are trained to run from the injured back to their rescue team, then back to the injured, and so on, with the rescue team closing the gap.

We told my nephew that he could run ahead but only rescue dog style. When he reaches his target (the end of the pavement, where we need to cross the road), he has to turn around and run back to us. Then he can turn around and run back to the crossing, and so on until we reach that point.

OP, I wonder if your daughter would be up for that. She can still get her running, manic energy out, but without the dangerous road crossing. If she's into imagination play, she can pretend to actually be a rescue dog too.

ASD girls can be very good at masking in school then letting it all out after

Go cold turkey on the tablet, it worked with my kids they’re different children without sounding dramatic. They’re calmer kids, longer attention span, they sit and draw and play and read and are much quieter, less demanding kids, I can’t advocate this enough. I told them tablets are broken, moaned for an hour and I say the same each time, they’re broken (I’ve got twins) they stopped asking after 3 days, yes we still have the odd difficult walk home from school on some days but these instances have reduced massively since no iPads! I truly believe it’s linked xx

how on earth is being violent to a child A seen as acceptable and B going to achieve anything? If she’s running away now she’s very unlikely to want to come back to someone who’s hit her
smacking a kid is the ultimate lazy parenting hack