Well am I? My ex is an absolute arse.

[Mostlywilliow]

My ex is still outraged that I divorced him and then later met someone else AND kept the house AND am much happier. He is a study of coercive control and finally left when the police removed him.
The kids are 17, 16, 15 and he refuses to communicate with me at all about when he is seeing them. Doesn’t attend anything school or education related ever ever and pays just under the bare minimum CSA amount despite being on £150k conservatively. You get the picture. He’s moved an hour away by car.

I booked a holiday well over a year ago, before the term dates came out and got an amazing price because of the Early Bird element and a clause that said absolutely no changes, refunds, postponements, nothing.

Turns out the kids are in school that week so rather than lose the fortune it cost to book this for me and my partner, I have booked a DBS nanny/babysitter who has minded them before, to move in for the week.

This is apparently disgusting, awful, I’m a terrible selfish parent, etc all relaid via DC3 direct from his dad. He’s also started making what I consider to be vexatious complaints to social care, about whether I’m feeding them junk or home cooked food, why they get the bus to school (2 miles) instead of me driving them, why I redecorated one of the kids’ rooms as a surprise (which to be fair he hated), and now this. Apparently the kids are too young to be left with a “stranger” and are very upset and I should cancel. He won’t EVER tell me when he’s having the kids so I can’t plan things usually. I know he’s being utterly unreasonable by interfering in this way but he’s managed to upset the kids who are now complaining non stop about how they don’t want to be looked after by anyone. And yet if I left them home alone, which I wouldn’t do, that would be wrong too. Fed up.

Ummm... 82% think the OP is entirely reasonable.
There's apparently a very vocal 18% who think that no mother should ever have a separate identity from her teenagers.
That's pretty clear vindication for the OP

At any age I have no problem leaving them but this would depend on what else is going on in their lives at that time.

At 15 16 and 17 are they are school or college. I would expect at least one of them to be doing exams. When is the trip in relation to exams?

I would not leave my kids in the year 11 12 or 13 due to exam pressure. DD is in year 12 and actually has exams in May and June this year that go to her final grade.

You’ve covered all bases. Go on your holiday and enjoy yourselves. I’m saying this as a parent who hasn’t been away without my kids.

Your ex is an arsehole.

He sounds like the blueprint for a narcissistic prick.

How often do your kids see him?

I have booked a DBS nanny/babysitter who has minded them before, to move in for the week.

seems a touch OTT for this age group!

Surprising that you didn’t check term dates! Not like they vary hugely from year to year!

The details WERE in the OP. What did you learn in the subsequent posts that changed your position?

Many people would leave the kids on their own at that age!

Your ex is clearly an absolute arse.

Edited as I hadn’t read all the many updates

This is true too. I was assuming this break was away from the exam period, eg that it’s beginning of Sept or something but sorry if I’ve missed something!

Edited - I can see now that this holiday clashes with a two week break - so not sure when that is!

This is apparently disgusting, awful, I’m a terrible selfish parent, etc all relaid via DC3 direct from his dad.

He’s also started making what I consider to be vexatious complaints to social care, about whether I’m feeding them junk or home cooked food, why they get the bus to school (2 miles) instead of me driving them, why I redecorated one of the kids’ rooms as a surprise (which to be fair he hated), and now this. Apparently the kids are too young to be left with a “stranger” and are very upset and I should cancel.

why did your dc tell you?! And he’s started contacting social services about what your 15,16 and 17 year old eat?

You’re in the US @Mostlywilliow

Presumably if you’re talking about CSA

THIS! THIS!

Are you in the US?

That’s very kind of you to consider this but thankfully we are all ok on these fronts. We are found a posh version of interrailing sort of, to northern Italy and then taking in some areas which are eastern med and northern Adriatic, and then (fuel allowing!) flying home from Dubrovnik. I can’t bloody wait. I have new walking boots I’m hoping are broken in in time. It’s hard to think of a more teen-unfriendly holiday though!

No, why?

My teen (17) would adore the sort of holiday you have planned!

In fact we’re planning to go interrailing (but Scandinavia) plus dc2 (will be 13 when we go) next year!

Arent teens/ young adults the main market for inter railing/ travelling holidays?

Not whilst sharing with mum and her chap! I’m sure there are teens somewhere who would love it. But not mine.

You say CSA

No one in the UK would use this term

To whom has he reported concerns re junk food?

Oh I just did. I meant CMS. I am old, old. I still call the cinema “the pictures.”

He stuck it in a big letter via his solicitor. I complained because he was getting one of the kids to video the contents of the fridge and send it to him. Like I say, coercive control personified.

Gawd he certainly is an arse. I hope things improve for you x

OP I have only your posts - I like your style. Excellent responses to the judgypants brigade - I wonder how many of them have teenagers? Or how many have YOUR teenagers?

A good dad would jump at the chance of having the kids an extra week. If the shoe were on the other foot, and you were posting you only saw your kids EOW but the ex has demanded you have them for a week when he goes on holiday because he messed up the dates, and you said AIBU to refuse to look after my own children, what do we all imagine the response would be?

So much misogyny etc.

They have an adult they know in the house, puely to prevent Good Ideas (and worse, the Brilliant Plan) so that you have an actual home to come back to. Instead of your own pile of, well, ruin. The irony.

Have a great holiday!

These kids sounds quite close to him

Well obviously you know best whether your younger two are responsible enough to be left with their adult sibling. From the sounds of it they aren’t, in which case yes, a babysitter of some description makes sense. I know you say they’ve had this nanny before but I’m not sure a hired nanny with no parental responsibility would really be able to prevent an out of hand teenage house party any more than the eldest could, so I hope he or she is someone they will listen to and respect enough not to start inviting people over.

But yes, ex is an arse. I think you have a right to go on holiday without “children” that age who probably would hate every second of it anyway. But I probably wouldn’t go if my children weren’t trustworthy enough to manage a week without house parties and burning the house down. But if your ex is so concerned he could always have them for the week instead. Doubt he would, so he can pipe down really.