Well am I? My ex is an absolute arse.

[Mostlywilliow]

My ex is still outraged that I divorced him and then later met someone else AND kept the house AND am much happier. He is a study of coercive control and finally left when the police removed him.
The kids are 17, 16, 15 and he refuses to communicate with me at all about when he is seeing them. Doesn’t attend anything school or education related ever ever and pays just under the bare minimum CSA amount despite being on £150k conservatively. You get the picture. He’s moved an hour away by car.

I booked a holiday well over a year ago, before the term dates came out and got an amazing price because of the Early Bird element and a clause that said absolutely no changes, refunds, postponements, nothing.

Turns out the kids are in school that week so rather than lose the fortune it cost to book this for me and my partner, I have booked a DBS nanny/babysitter who has minded them before, to move in for the week.

This is apparently disgusting, awful, I’m a terrible selfish parent, etc all relaid via DC3 direct from his dad. He’s also started making what I consider to be vexatious complaints to social care, about whether I’m feeding them junk or home cooked food, why they get the bus to school (2 miles) instead of me driving them, why I redecorated one of the kids’ rooms as a surprise (which to be fair he hated), and now this. Apparently the kids are too young to be left with a “stranger” and are very upset and I should cancel. He won’t EVER tell me when he’s having the kids so I can’t plan things usually. I know he’s being utterly unreasonable by interfering in this way but he’s managed to upset the kids who are now complaining non stop about how they don’t want to be looked after by anyone. And yet if I left them home alone, which I wouldn’t do, that would be wrong too. Fed up.

These kids are 15, 16 and 17. They definitely are old enough for the op to say stop fanning the flames by telling me daft nonsense your dad spouts about me and sure as heck don’t send him video footage of my fridge ever again

That's hilarious as 16 and 17 year could effectively go and live alone should they wish to there are single 16 year old with babies living alone in flats.

They are 15, 16 and 17 and will have an adult (professional) staying with them. They are not 5, 6 and 7. Does your ex think they are imbeciles or something? That says more about how your ex views your kids than anything about one of which is practically an adult.

Ignore him and keep in your mind you only have 3 more years left of his nonsense and then you are free.
Social services would laugh him out of the door 😆😆😆

They’ve seen him 4x in 8 years and yet they very regularly speak with him on the phone?!

I would take mine outta school for the duration of the holiday. I mean, the yougest is 15 yeah? I left school at 15. By the time I was 17 i had been working full time for 2 years ! If they sont want to go now then just leave them at home. Some independant time will be good for them. Tell your ex to let them stay with him.

@Littlebigtoe actually I am from and live in the UK, I'm 51 years old with two offspring (24 and 11 yrs old), and yes, we DO still say CSA! I wasn't even aware it had changed to CSM, honestly, give your head a wobble! 😂

Wow, this post brought a lot of ignorant bitter witches who can't effing read out of the woodwork! Hope you enjoy your holiday, OP, and have an intact house waiting for you upon your return!! Hopefully your twatty narc ex watches your socials so be sure to post lots of lovely pics of the two of you having a lovely time.

This is one of the most accurate and succinct replies here! I’m reeling from the posters acting like you’re swanning off leaving a bunch of toddlers with Harold Shipman. OP I truly, truly hope that you’re not taking any of it to heart!

I’m very familiar with coercive relationships, and the difficult thing is that they still know how to get in your head years on, and dragging the kids into it with his ridiculous comments is really bloody low, although sadly very common. He doesn’t do even 1% of the parenting but he still wants to control you and sniping at your parenting is literally all that’s left. Ignore him, and the frankly weird posters on here, you’ve got your head screwed on right, carry on as you were, have faith in yourself, and above all, enjoy the holiday!!

I appreciate that dragging your kids into the actual detail of your utterly dire marriage with their father is less than desirable but they are really of an age to understand better?

To this point:
Apply the same principle. Does the 17 yr old want to be accompanied to festivals because you should never leave them alone?
Does the 15 yr old want a week visiting the pyramids with no wifi?
Same or whatever is most relevant for the middle child.

You've hired a sitter who will ensure they are fed, the house is kept to a modicum of cleanliness, run the occasional load of laundry perhaps, mediate any rows and be there in case of emergency.

Any objection to that is just TOUGH and appalling dog in the manger behaviour from your children. You shouldn't tolerate it and because your ex is a coercive controlling wanker you should be reading the riot act that they appear to be following in his footsteps and not taking abuse from total strangers on Mumsnet over some perfectly reasonably choices.

I also think you should sit all three of them down and set out just why you divorced their father, why his behaviour is what it is and why you will neither tolerate it from them and by proxy from him. He is sending them as his flying monkeys.

If it’s only one week, not two, take the kids anyway as originally planned. Simple.

Ignore all the posters with the 'as if you leave your children to go on a holiday by yourselves' there is absolutely nothing wrong with it (plus time away helps prevent burn out). He won't have them so you've done an extremely responsible thing of hiring a nanny! Ignore the ex he's a if he keeps going on to social services it should be made known he's trying to turn your kids against you saying a load of crap

Wow, it’s incredible how many people just can’t read.

@Mostlywilliow the holiday sounds great, I hope you have a fab time. My ex is similarly obnoxious, so I get exactly what you mean. I’m fairly sure your children will survive happily for a week, and you can relax knowing they are supervised and fed.

Jesus, the lengths some women will go to stick up for absolute dogshit, banjaxxed men, just to put other women in their place and make themselves feel like the smuggiest smugster Mum of the year.

I have thoughts:

There is NOTHING wrong with going on a trip without your teenage children, zero, nada, not a thing. The OP is doing the right thing by hiring a qualified nanny, one the children know, to keep an eye on things while she's away so HER house doesn't burn down.

The SBXH is the one stirring the pot and causing problems, not the OP. Time for an honest chat with the childer.

The ingrained misogyny has ghasted my flabber; assuming the OP didn't pay for the house, that she only met the fella down the chippy last Friday, etc. Every day sexism at its finest.

Some people need to learn to read and/or learn reading comprehension.

OP, don't give it oxygen, have an honest chat with your kids, explain the things he asks of them are not normal (videoing the fridge...wtf), then you and your vagina go off and have the BEST time!

This is the thread that keeps on giving...

Fwiw the most batshit thing about it all is - imo - the spending of good money on a sitter for a 17, 16 and 15 year old! It's enough to make you weep! 😭

Jesus - I would be telling the kids they can chose between finishing school a week early (and paying the fine) and going to their dads or cracking on and being the sensible beings you know they are who sometimes have to compromise. Am sure there is a sweetener that can improve the deal.

How about reading the thread? They were never coming and never would either. I’m sure that’s about 5 times I’ve said that now.

I feel for you. I have a similar ex who is vexacious and causes as much chaos as possible. if you had offered them to him for the week if it were my ex he would say yes then withdraw agreement at the last minute. Your kids are older teens not 5 year olds. What you cook is nothing to do with him. Your arrangements fo the nanny are nothing to do with him. Just ignore him and carry on. If he goes to childrens services let him. You have made safe arrangements. He can jog on. Just give factual only responses - no emotion at all. Grey rock. Facts, details, nothing more. It will enrage someone who wants to create emotional responsejust s but it protects you. Using AI is great for grey rocking any responses via email. Be aware that he may show emails to others - hence grey rock is also your protection.

Don’t take any notice of comments like this. I remember being left at home ‘alone’ (aged 17) with my 16 year old sister. We were delighted as we really didn’t want to go away to Wales in a motorhome with Dad, stepmom and 7 yr old sibling. Neighbours popped in to make sure we were okay. My own DS refused to come away in caravan when he was 17, said he was too old. So I asked my mother to move in to keep eye on house (and him). When his 15 yr old sibling heard, they decided to stay at home as well as they always hated where we were going. After that, unless we were going somewhere they really liked (ie hot and sunny), they never came again! If ex weren’t such an AH, they could have children stay with them.

I’m curious as to why you posted such a sarcastic reply. Could you make your point clear? What is your opinion on this and my reply to the loony post telling me that it’s wrong to get a sitter but simultaneously wrong to leave the kids out of a holiday that was never planned with them in mind anyway and which they would hate?

Im all ears!

Hmm. See previous references to Good Ideas and ex’s vexatious complaints.

For the record the fridge incident was years ago and the child concerned received feedback to the degree it won’t ever happen again.

😢So you are looking at this from a different angle. But it really is ok to leave teenage kids to do their own thing and not have them tied to your apron strings.

My DH has been struggling with my 16 yr old DD not wanting to spend nearly so much time with us as when younger and now my 14 yr old DS is going the same way. I have to frequently remind him of his own teenage years. We were away for a long weekend during Easter and they wanted to come home a day early… so we let them!😱 The experience of the train and bus journey home and the time they looked after each other will be a story for them to share with their own children one day.

I just hope that the saying about ‘If you love someone set them free…’ means they will come back when they are ready. But I understand why you might see the OPs situation differently.

I would have thought your teens would rather enjoy the idea of a week of semi-independence. This is your ex's work, stirring them up and of course they are susceptible to this because he is their dad. I would try to do a better job of selling it to them - take-outs every night, no limits on screen time, that sort of thing. Set a time everyday for FaceTime and I bet that won't last much past the first couple of days.

And go on your holiday and have a lovely time.

The fact you didn’t read any of it all aside…I’m sure the reply you sent not about the situation (family holiday) and suggesting she do the thing she’s already done (get them some supervision) was super helpful.

Bloody hell. This thread is bonkers.

I'd suggest to the kids that these are the options:

• They come on holiday with you and the boyfriend. You know this will not be a palatable option for them.

• Their dad takes all responsibility for them that week and they stay with dad the entire week with no access to home while you're away. They will know deep down this won't happen. Much as they love him they know he will poo poo the idea.

• They suck it up and stay home with the nice lady they know, and keep their routine and home space for the week.

They will likely agree you chose the best of the three choices for them.

Just ignore the ex. Grey rock any comments about it from the kids that they are repeating.

Countdown to the holiday and have a brilliant time!

It's a week. They'll be fine. I've worked with teens for most of my adult life and have 3 of my own of similar/slightly older ages (in a blended family so 2 arses of ex parents to account for - dh has full custody so we have all full time except when the exes can fit them into their oh so busy lives at random intervals). We have family holidays and days/nights out but we also have adult only mini breaks. You'll be stunned to hear that, amazingly, they have coped - despite what an inordinate number of people are saying and clutching pearls about! I'd have less sympathy if it were 3 small kids but I imagine you would be doing family centred holidays if they were that little (and probably have done!). Honestly, the parents that stay and step up really do get it from all angles!! A break and a bit of space means they get independence and you get relaxation and you'll all be that much happier for it. Plus you get to have fun sharing stories with each other when you're back. Maybe a little treat or two picked up on your travels for the kids. Win win. Plus you can have instant contact if needed. it's not as if you have to struggle to make contact. Not everyone on here is a puritanical, judgemental sod OP. Enjoy your break, ignore the parenting police, have an adventure, stay safe and make the most of it x