Well am I? My ex is an absolute arse.

[Mostlywilliow]

My ex is still outraged that I divorced him and then later met someone else AND kept the house AND am much happier. He is a study of coercive control and finally left when the police removed him.
The kids are 17, 16, 15 and he refuses to communicate with me at all about when he is seeing them. Doesn’t attend anything school or education related ever ever and pays just under the bare minimum CSA amount despite being on £150k conservatively. You get the picture. He’s moved an hour away by car.

I booked a holiday well over a year ago, before the term dates came out and got an amazing price because of the Early Bird element and a clause that said absolutely no changes, refunds, postponements, nothing.

Turns out the kids are in school that week so rather than lose the fortune it cost to book this for me and my partner, I have booked a DBS nanny/babysitter who has minded them before, to move in for the week.

This is apparently disgusting, awful, I’m a terrible selfish parent, etc all relaid via DC3 direct from his dad. He’s also started making what I consider to be vexatious complaints to social care, about whether I’m feeding them junk or home cooked food, why they get the bus to school (2 miles) instead of me driving them, why I redecorated one of the kids’ rooms as a surprise (which to be fair he hated), and now this. Apparently the kids are too young to be left with a “stranger” and are very upset and I should cancel. He won’t EVER tell me when he’s having the kids so I can’t plan things usually. I know he’s being utterly unreasonable by interfering in this way but he’s managed to upset the kids who are now complaining non stop about how they don’t want to be looked after by anyone. And yet if I left them home alone, which I wouldn’t do, that would be wrong too. Fed up.

This particular lady gives off a very kind but authoritative vibe and whilst being very pleasant, will not be trifled with.

They are. Because much as I’d be delighted if he was beamed up to another galaxy, I happen to think their relationship with him is important and I also want to make sure that I am never the excuse he can give about why he doesn’t see them as often as he should. They love him, and I suppose he loves them. But that doesn’t mean he isn’t a spectacular twat to me.

Hurrah to finding a partner (5 years ago!) and what sounds like a wonderful holiday!
Hurrah to being sensible and booking a DBS adult who is known to the children!
Hurrah to buying out idiot ex
Hurrah to great parenting.

Booooo to people trying to shame you for daring to spend 7 days out of your children’s lives. Your eldest has been alive for approx 6200 days and you are taking 7 days away from him/her.

Booooo to idiot ex who doesn’t pay his way nor spend time with his children.

Have a wonderful, guilt free time away!

Have a great holiday OP! Your ex is a twat. I've got one of those too.

I think I may have pointed out that I booked it before the term dates came out. And you’re quite right, they don’t vary much. But they varied by one week this time.

DD (now 16, nearer 17) missed out on her school PGL trip due to lockdown. When things opened up again, we sent her - with her consent! - on a three day trip with them, one of the "Adventure Holiday" types, where you drop your child off and they leave their case in a dormitory where they'll be sharing with seven other complete strangers for their stay, and doing activities, all with kids they've not met.

Baptism of fire maybe, but when we picked her up she asked to go for longer next time. She did a few more week long trips of this type while DH and I stayed nearby, so if she'd really hated it or really misbehaved and been barred she could have come to stay with us. She never did. She relished in telling the tales of miscreants who were sent home in disgrace and banned for a year, though. 😅

These trips were in the Spring, while DD spent the summer holidays with us. I think they helped to foster independence in her, and as I've said, she's been more than happy to be left at home on her own since she was fifteen, and now has no wish whatsoever to come away with us. She had the house to herself for a week earlier this month, and will enjoy another ten days in July when DH and I go neglecting our poor unloved baby gallivanting off again.

I agree OP that these threads show how it is women more than anyone who knock other women down.

Bad parenting for taking a weeks holiday and not supporting your DC at school. 3 teens are perfectly capable of having a week without their parent.

Heaven forbid you enjoy yourself at all, you must be a martyr to your DC at all times. DH and I went away last year for 4 days, we left our 17 and 14 year olds home alone, they went to school and work, made their own meals, even looked after the cat. Obviously we are appalling parents for this. Just to note they did have a 22 year old brother checking in on them, and they are not the mad party type.

Edit to add, enjoy your holiday

but the holiday was booked with the kids originally?

If I was being left with a grandparent as a teen or someone, I'd be grumpy about it but to be left with a stranger who is DBS checked but could be an absolute psycho and just never showed it yet, would have terrified me.

Your kids are all nearly adults. My parents went to the US for two weeks and left my older sibling and me when I was fourteen, and he was seventeen. No drama at all. I can see why your kids don't want a nanny, but it's either that or have the 17-year-old step up and look after them all. Which would they prefer? Your ex's concerns shouldn't even feature in this. Complete non-starter. It's hardly like you're leaving toddlers.

I must be a really terrible parent because my kids walk to school. They prefer it to the bus. It absolutely doesn't hurt to teach them some independence at this age. Your ex is being a knob. And I absolutely agree that social services will laugh in his face if he considers your behaviour disgusting. He must have zero concept of some of the things that go on in parentally abusive homes.

I don't agree with him but I do think you should have checked the dates and not booked until you'd made sure the kids could go too. Our school holidays are on the council website at least 18 months to 2 years in advance.

Either way, you don't leave your children.

No it wasn’t. Read the updates.

I think the OP left her abusive ex who then left his children, the DM is having a holiday without them.

I wonder how many holidays the father has had without his children? 🤔

Some of the posts on this thread are absolutely wild. Is no one capable of reading the OP's original post where she clearly states that the original holiday was booked for her and her partner? Also, at 15, 16, and 17 (unless there are some mitigating health factors we know nothing about) they are all more than capable of surviving this long with or without a nanny. I fear this is why so many young adults today are complete snowflakes. If you don't teach them independence, how are they expected to adult when the time comes?

At 16 my parents left me at home for 10 days to go on holiday. My younger sibling when with them but I had to stay home for GCSE results and some exam (cant remember what now). I worked in the day as it was the holidays and they have neighbours check on me in the evenings but they only stayed for half hour max.

I think arranging for someone to be there is a good thing to stop parties etc. You know your children and know the babysitter (if they have used them before). Only you know if your children are grown up enough to handle the situation

Wishing you and your vagina the best of holidays OP!

I agree OP that these threads show how it is women more than anyone who knock other women down.

It really, really isn't. And you don't have to do much research to confirm that the overwhelming majority of violence and abuse against women is perpetrated by men. This is an everyday sexism comment that add to the social conditioning that allows men to get away with treating women like shit. Put a similar query to this on a local facebook group page and see what the men say if you want to test whether women are worse to women than the men are.

@YourShyLion

"Either way, you don't leave your children"

Oh, yes, we do! 👍 🥳 😁

<sigh>

She isn’t a stranger. And she is a DBS nanny. And given that all 3 of my lads are easily a foot taller than her, she would have to turn knife-psycho to get anywhere. But she’s calm and capable and takes no messing. And that’s all we need.

Ours aren’t. Private school. They follow a mostly predicament pattern but this was slightly different this year.

no it wasn’t.

Cancel the cheque, etc.

Thankyou! She is having a good tidy up in readiness!

To all those giving the OP such a hard time, GET A LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why are you not slating the ex who sounds like a complete twat instead of going at someone who has moved on from an awful ex and has planned a holiday for her and her DP and has made suitable and legal arrangements for her children to be taken care of by someone they know and trust.

Women deserve to move on with their lives and despite many of us being the sole or primary carer of our children, we deserve short breaks without our children, we deserve nights out without our children, we deserve a new partner and a sex life. WE DESERVE A LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

How much are you paying for 7 nights full time overnight nanny?