I’m an affair baby

[wildgreyseas]

I don’t know how to process this information.

My parents had always, always maintained that their marriages had ended long before my mum got pregnant.

Anthony this is technically true, it’s come to light that they were both still married when they started seeing each other. Both in very unhappy marriages that were all but over, but still legally married and not separated. My mum was in an abusive marriage, so I kind of view that a little less harshly, but I feel sick to my stomach to think of it. It’s awful. The hurt they caused, and I’m a physical representation of it. I can’t even look at them.

“Incredibly angry 30 years on”
“Completely fucked up their childhoods”

Why such drama?

I get it. We all have views of our parents as adults.

You had one view your whole life that has now been shattered. As we can see from this thread people have very varied views on infidelity. With plenty of rationalising of it as a means to an end.

There was infidelity in my parents marriage. They stayed together. As is their right as adults to chose what is best for them. I however hold my own opinions about it and while you can still love a parent based on your relationship with them, personally respecting them as a person is a different matter all together.

There is also a large amount of disgust if I think about it to deeply. So I don't because I respect the right of the person who opted to stay. Even if I would make a different decision in their shoes.

Your Dad laughed as he explained your Mum was pregnant with you as a result of their affair, while still living with their other partners?
All this while you explained why you split with your partner? No surprise you feel hurt. You are trying to get over the betrayal and your Dad responds as he did. We don't have the details of how things were with his other family but it reads like you are now processing things that may have happened or being said through the years.
💐

What an overreaction.

Meh. So am I. I’m also adopted because of it and have several half siblings who (so far as I know) don’t know I exist.

It’s really not the big deal you’re making it out I be. You are yourself and your parents conduct is no reflection on you.

I wish I’d not posted. I didn’t realise I was such an awful person

I think you’re being hugely hyperbolic here. It was an affair, not murder.

What?

Are you feeling very down in general or suffering from depression?

If not, this makes you come across as a bit manipulative.

This is really manipulative. No one said you were an awful person.

This has clearly triggered you over what happened to you, get some therapy to help deal with it.

I'm not talking about lines that liars use, I'm talking about realities. If someone is in an abusive marriage and having an affair helps them in some way to leave, I have in theory no issue with that.

Of course you are correct that no-one can ever really know someone else's situations outside of that person themselves.

This does seem like a huge over reaction…

Not awful. Just naive and somewhat judgmental.

Get some therapy op. You’re overthinking this.

Loads of us are 'affair babies' OP. Many never even married, it was a temporary affair and parents remained married to someone else after.

Doesn't make us better or worse than anyone else, for most people we just keep quiet about it. Move on with your life

Your parents sex lives are absolutely none of your business

Oh stop it. No-one thinks you're 'awful' - just overreacting to news about events a long time ago.
Quit the dramatics.

You're not an awful person. You're a person who's been cheated on, you're feeling really raw, and on top of that you're being confronted with the fact that cheating is incredibly common and consequently a large number of people think it's no big deal.Including your parents.

Give yourself some grace. It is OK to be hurt by what your ex did. It is OK to be hurt by your parents's casual attitude towards it. It is OK to be hurt that none of these people you love are the people you thought they were.It is also OK to be disappointed that a bunch of random people on an internet forum have engaged in the same behaviour and think you're the unreasonable one for daring to question their choices. But at the end of the day all of this says much more about them than it does about you.

Excuse me? Daring to question our choices? If you mean responses, well it's a point of view. But the implication that anyone who thinks OP is being overdramatic must themselves have been unfaithful is really offensive.

You are projecting. It seems you were cheated on whilst the relationship was in full flow.

I’ve been cheated on at the end of a horrible marriage-it was a relief to be honest, and took it as the impetus to get out of there.

Fundamentally of course, it’s also none of your business, and raking up decades old stuff is bad form.

I hit Not being unreasonable by mistake. You are being unreasonable. This happened a long time again. Quite frankly it's none of your business.

@wildgreyseas I completely understanding why you feel as you do. You perhaps feel like your childhood isn’t as you thought it was based on how you were conceived.
I don’t think I’m wording this very well but I think you feel you have been lied to by omission and if you add to that your strong feelings about people who cheat, you’re viewing your parents differently which has really unsettled you.
You aren’t overreacting- your feelings are what you feel and that makes them valid.
Having said that, it’s in the past and can’t be changed so it’s how you deal with it now that’s important.
It might be worth telling them how you feel if that would help.
I hope you feel better soon.

Yeah I agree with this. I have been divorced for the best part of 15yrs and do not feel that my daughters life was fucked up and I'm not incredibly angry either.

My ex admitted being in love with someone else while we were married and then promptly moved on with a different person two weeks after we seperated which was awful at the time. These days he's married to someone else, we talk every couple of weeks and occasionally we all turn up at the same events together like proms, were all friends on facebook, instagram including his wife etc....

I would think she probably needs some help if her anger is getting in her way of being happy.

@bimms

you have done remarkably well to come to terms with that. I hope you are as 'ok' as you sound 🌷💕

@wildgreyseas

I think this puts it into perspective does it not?

your parents were in relationships that weren't good, they met, they fell in love & you're a product of their love, which has endured all these years.

you mum owed her first husband nothing & hopefully your Dads first wife went on to meet someone better suited & had a great life.

Yes, that confused me too. She supposedly has a relationship with her half sisters, & knows their mother, so how devasting & traumatic can their childhoods have been that she's only finding that out now?