I’m an affair baby

[wildgreyseas]

I don’t know how to process this information.

My parents had always, always maintained that their marriages had ended long before my mum got pregnant.

Anthony this is technically true, it’s come to light that they were both still married when they started seeing each other. Both in very unhappy marriages that were all but over, but still legally married and not separated. My mum was in an abusive marriage, so I kind of view that a little less harshly, but I feel sick to my stomach to think of it. It’s awful. The hurt they caused, and I’m a physical representation of it. I can’t even look at them.

Yeah some people justify anything when they want to.

OP, you are in a shitty place right now. Cheating is awful. Your ex may remarry and live an amazing life and the relationship with his new partner and any children would be very different to yours of course. It would be perfectly normal to still think of your ex as a scumbag in 30 years time. Even if he is a brilliant partner to his new wife and any children. (Maybe this would make it even harder to swallow) But it wouldn't be normal to still be seething in 30 years time and drag any of your children down with you for 30 years.
Fwiw, my parents were brilliant parents. Couldn't have wished for better. But they were terrible spouses.

My mum was with my step dad, then got with his best mate and married him and had a baby (me). She then had an affair with the original guy, and left my dad (eventually). The original boyfriend was with her for a bit, then left her to get married to someone else after an accidental pregnancy. They started raising the kid together as teenagers. They eventually split up, my mum got back with the original guy. My dad , in the intervening years, had a 'thing' with original guy's ex wife (essentially swapping partners). Anyway, fast forward nearly 40 years and here is me and my sister. Her mum and my dad have died, her dad and my mum are still together. My point being, life is messy!! It's never occurred to me to be bothered about it.

You aren't responsible for what your parents did before you were born. I imagine a huge chunk of the world's population wasn't born as the long planned result of a loving marriage as the fairy tales would have us believe

You've realised your parents are just humans, that makes mistakes just like you. I think the attitude that people are 'good' and 'bad' is juvenile. We all make mistakes, we cause hurt and offence (often without even knowing we've done it), we all sre products of our environment. The way we act, both as spouses and as partners is all part of a huge picture. Life doesn't fit into neat black and white boxes. Judge them on the relationship you have with them and how much effort they have put into parenting you.

Errrmmm yes well I was a bit harsh 🫣😬 but something tells me OP has been mollycoddled a bit!

Got to be cruel to be kind, etc

I think you may need therapy as this is a huge over reaction.

Your parents are human. Technically they both cheated on their partners.
They were both desperately unhappy and found each other.
You seem to be overthinking this.
You werent there to witness your mums/dad's unhappiness so perhaps be slightly less judgemental?

You’re lashing at in the depths of your own pain. It doesn’t have to be fair or rational.

I know of cases where the child born of an affair has paid the price for the sins of the parents, as it were, by being rejected and treated badly by half siblings and extended family. It’s not unusual for children in those circumstances to feel resentment towards their parents for the circumstances of their birth. If that is what happened to you then it’s more nuanced than ‘they’re your parents that love you, it doesn’t matter’.

I would hate to be that judgemental towards my parents. Life is never that black and white. They are together still. I am happy for them.

Shouldn't you be happy that your parents conceived you in a loving relationship?
You are blowing this out proportion. I also don't really think it's any of your business. Your father was unhappy and your mother in an abusive relationship. They grabbed their chance of happiness. Good on them. Stop being so judgemental and dramatic.

This is their life shit happens, and it happened before you was born.
Sorry op but tbh its nothing to do with you, what your parents have done in the past.

I assume it was decades ago now, and im sure they have felt crap about it.
But life gose on.

Im an orphan at least you have some family.

Parents are imperfect people as you will certainly learn. You are making way to much out of this. I'm sure the other people involved have long made peace with it.

How is it not her business if she’s a direct representation of the affair? Her parents made it her business.

Of course it’s all long past now, but it’s still very much her business.

Sorry OP but you really need to get over yourself. People have affairs for all kinds of reasons. Who are you to judge?

You need to stop making this about you. Look at it from a different perspective. If your Mum never met your Dad she may have been stuck with her abuser forever. And what kind of life is that! And re your Dad, people don’t leave happy marriages, and he technically saved your Mum and they are happy together, even after all these years, so don’t judge them. Just be grateful they made the right decision for them, you came out of love and that’s the end of it. No further responsibility lies on you. You need to get over it and stop making such a big deal about something that ultimately resulted in your Mums safety and happiness and their joint love and happiness.

Do you not think that you are defining 'marriage ended ' as being over through death/divorce but your parents are thinking 'marriage ended' as dead in the water. In other words the relationship was rubbish, no point in carrying on but not ended by divorce. The marriage was over.

I listen to a podcast called DNA Surprises after realising that my sister was born of an affair (with an unknown man who my mum decided to sleep with). It’s an amazing podcast and many people on it find it easier to know if they were born out of love than just a fling or worse. Also makes a difference whether one or both dads are nice etc. Most people born of an affair are the last to find out and it’s a taboo topic in the family, so I find it heartwarming that your parents love each other and told you about it.

Sorry about the affair your partner had and sorry if you see yourself more like your dad’s ex-wife right now. It’s awful to be cheated on and makes you question everything.

I think they should’ve separated.

I am also an affair baby. I found out when I was about 19. I will be honest, it genuinely doesn’t bother me at all. My parents have always been good to me and life is never black and white.

Is it religion- based?

This is quite a dramatic take on the whole thing. I'm hoping your ex cheating is colouring your view temporarily. If so, please do the best you can to not become the person still angry and bitter 30 years on. Life is too precious to waste decades on a man that left.

Ideally they should have, but things often aren't ideal and in the case of two dead marriages including one abusive one, I am not sure it really makes any difference overall. They were obviously both on the way out one way or another and both marriages were ending, the abusive one absolutely needed to. What difference does it make that they consummated their relationship shortly before they made the existing situation official and went through the inevitable process, as opposed to a few weeks later or whatever? They'd still be divorced, married to each other and have you now.

It sounds like your dad was a good father to you and your sibling. Divorce isn't always the quickest things to achieve.

If the marriage was over and they were in the process of it all I don't see the issue.

My father had an affair. He left without saying a word. He brought his pregnant new partner to the divorce court. I didn't see him again for 25 years. He is a d*

Your horse is very high. Be careful not to fall...

My dad raised his eyebrows and laughed, and then they explained.

That must have hurt & I bet you felt very foolish.

It sounds as if the marriage wasn't "dead in the water" as far as your dad's ex was concerned yet he seems to being patted on the back for your mum's sake!

I'd be pretty disgusted at the lies for so long too.