I’m an affair baby

[wildgreyseas]

I don’t know how to process this information.

My parents had always, always maintained that their marriages had ended long before my mum got pregnant.

Anthony this is technically true, it’s come to light that they were both still married when they started seeing each other. Both in very unhappy marriages that were all but over, but still legally married and not separated. My mum was in an abusive marriage, so I kind of view that a little less harshly, but I feel sick to my stomach to think of it. It’s awful. The hurt they caused, and I’m a physical representation of it. I can’t even look at them.

If the marriages were bad/abusive and practically over anyway, then I think I would judge things a little less harshly than if one partner had been completely blindsided by things ending.

I think I'd be more concerned that my mother had been in an abusive marriage, and I'd probably be relieved I wasn't the child of that relationship, in which sex might not have been consensual or in any way pleasurable.

I am, of course, very relieved she got out. But I still feel horrified that my dad cheated.

You can’t look at your mum who, presumably at least 2 decades ago, was being abused and sought love in the arms of your dad? And by the sounds of it have been together since?
I think you’re exaggerating this to yourself.

Your reaction is a little disproportionate. It might be worth speaking to someone if it is affecting you to the point that you can’t even look at your own parents.

I can't really see an issue here. Ok, technically they were in marriages in terminal stages, your mum in particular.

Then life happened and they moved on, obviously in a good way, judging by the outcome.

Perhaps there are other reasons for your feeling this way - was your childhood unhappy?

Anyway, maybe some therapy is in order - to help you see things from others' perspective?

Look OP, lots of us were conceived in far from ideal circumstances, and some of us in horrendous circumstances. My father raped my mother. If I can learn to live with that, you can certainly live with your circumstances.

I just find it disgusting, I’ve been cheated on and the breach of trust is soul destroying. I’m more sympathetic towards my mum than my dad for sure, but I still think it’s awful.

And yet you can't look at 'THEM'?

I don't think you're as sympathetic towards your mother and the abuse dished out to her as you say.

I agree with you that what they did wasn't OK. If you're unhappy in your marriage, you leave, you don't get pregnant by someone else. However, you're now an adult and the choice they made was a long time ago. To be blunt, it's not really any of your business what decisions they made around their relationships however many decades ago.

The hurt they have caused? To whom?

My dad’s ex wife? She was left as a single mum to two, yes he paid a lot but he still really left her in the lurch.

Have they been good parents? If so, let it go. It was a betrayal of other people who have likely long moved on.

Is your reaction the result of knowing your parents’ exes?

You’ve just said their marriages were over? Do you know her? Have you met her? How do you know she was hurt? Or left in the lurch? I’m genuinely confused.

I know my dad’s ex. Not my mum’s (for obvious reasons)

It was a long time ago, this woman doesn’t need you to be mad on her behalf. Your parents made crap choices, but they aren’t criminals. I’m sure it’s a surprise if you’ve just found out, but let yourself feel these feelings and then move on. Life is too short for this level of anger.

This seems a disproportionate reaction to me, but I’ve not been in that position so I don’t really know how I’d feel. Have you only recently found out?

Life isn’t always black and white and if your parents stayed together its not like it was a one night stand and they went back to their partners or your dad had a series of affairs (presumably)

I think you’re being a bit harsh on your parents. Relationships, especially abusive ones, can be difficult to navigate.

I do have compassion for you though, I’ve spent the past five years trying to reconcile the fact that my father cheated on my mother multiple times, had a child with another women, abandoned them and my mother took him back a year before I was born. I feel like my whole childhood has to be recalibrated. Do you feel the same?

While in no way shoving religion down anyone's throat, much in the bible is good, sound advice.

Jesus covered this situation when he said "let him who is without sin cast the first stone".

The American author James Michener also reflected on this when he wrote 'a nation, a marriage or a man can begin with sin but still achieve the perfection to which it aspires'.

Perhaps your own hurt is strongly colouring your viewpoint to the extent that you say you now can't bear to even look at your parents. They're fallible humans not monsters of outrageous evil.

Were you parents kind and loving as you were growing up? If so, I think they deserve more than their daughter turning on them over the circumstances of her conception, which is frankly none of her business.

If they weren’t, then your reaction is more understandable, in that you’re looking for something to punish them for.

So your parents were in miserable marriages and instead of sticking with it, they were imperfect people who found comfort in each other and you are the product. It was a really long time ago. Do you idolise your parents or something? I don't see why this is even a big deal.

And re: your thread title - you’re not ‘an affair baby’. You’re not any sort of baby at all. You’re a grown woman, who must surely know that life is complicated.

Have you got older step siblings from their previous marriages? What’s their take on it?