I’m an affair baby

[wildgreyseas]

I don’t know how to process this information.

My parents had always, always maintained that their marriages had ended long before my mum got pregnant.

Anthony this is technically true, it’s come to light that they were both still married when they started seeing each other. Both in very unhappy marriages that were all but over, but still legally married and not separated. My mum was in an abusive marriage, so I kind of view that a little less harshly, but I feel sick to my stomach to think of it. It’s awful. The hurt they caused, and I’m a physical representation of it. I can’t even look at them.

Half siblings. It really fucked their childhoods up. Their mum completely checked out after the affair.

I think it’s something that only you and those who have discovered similar would understand. Tbh I think you’re being a little harsh on your mum, but it’s come as a shock to you so I understand.

It’s hard to find out your parents have done something awful (your dad cheating on his wife). I think it will just take you a little time.

My dad got up to a great deal more mischief than yours. I’ve got to a place where I just understand him for who he is, with all his flaws, and ultimately I feel a lot of compassion for him.

Christ on a bike, I can’t imagine being so bent out of shape over this. Yes, affairs are horrible OP. But to carry on about it so many years later is pointless and over dramatic.

So he cheated? He’s now presumably in a happy relationship with a woman he loves.

Some things aren’t ment to be. People get over it and move on.

I think you’ve misunderstood who OPs dad is a bit, her dad is with her mum and him cheating is the point of the thread.

Grow up OP! Whilst I don't condone affairs I really think this is quite ridiculous from you OP. How your parents got together has no baring on you. Have you been brought up loved, happy, safe and secure? If so get a grip and move on!

You’re just virtue signalling , OP. Nothing more.

Newsflash, parents are human too. Have they been good parents to you? That's what matters surely, not mistakes made before you were even born.

You are not a physical representation of their actions. You are an individual human being and not responsible or representative of them. You are a person and innocent of anything they may have done.

Their marriages were already all but over, in your words. The cheating didn’t cause the marriages to end. Is it even ‘cheating’ when both of the other partners are about to divorce them too?! It’s a very black and white thinking, this idea of ‘legally married’ but it’s not taking into consideration that there was no marriage of hearts and minds at that point because everyone wanted out. think you are judging them both way too harshly here without showing much understanding.

You're being ridiculously judgemental. Would you rather your mum stayed with an abusive man and you had him for a father. Good people do things that can be frowned upon, but it really is nothing to do with you. Are they good people, have they been good and loving parents? Maybe take off your judgy pants, and just be glad you have two happy parents. If you hadn't have been cheated on would you be so horrified? I'm guessing not so stop letting your past situation ruin your relationship with them, and just be glad they found their person.

Why are you only horrified with your dad? Your mum also cheated on her then husband.. I don't understand the difference.....

Her mum was in an abusive relationship - harder to leave

You sound hideously judgmental about something that, frankly, isn’t your business

That seems a bit dramatic, my dad was “an affair baby” unfortunately for him his dad wanted nothing to do with him so he obviously has issues with him, but never his mum. She raised and loved her child, at a time it was socially more challenging to be a single parent. She was a wonderful woman. I’ve never considered her otherwise, one discretion doesn’t define someone.

I think it becomes my business when they tell me and talk about it! I just feel horrific to know that this happened.

I'd look at it this way.

How old are you? Let's say you're 25. Are you the same person as you were 24 years ago? Have you changed since you were 1? What about in the last 10 years? The last 5?

What I'm saying is, you're judging people who don't exist any more. The people, your parents who had the affair, regardless of the circumstances, have grown and changed. Yeah, your dad behaved badly, but it's done now. The person he was then has gone, long ago. You help no one by getting stressed and upset about something you can no more change and really impacts you no more than terrible actions your great grandparents might have done.

Affairs aren't nice for anyone but I think you're totally overreacting here

So much so that you’ve only just found out about the affair?
Sorry but I think you’re sweeping yourself up in your own drama here.

Horribly judgemental. It makes no sense to be so disgusted by the long ago actions of people you purportedly love and love you unless those actions are murder or something. I’m assuming you are a positive outcome of trying times and love. It’s a terrible shame to be horrid about it. An affair is not great but likewise it’s not building WMDs!

it sounds as tho you didn’t know your parents were unfaithful to their previous partners but you did know that your Dad’s marriage breakdown had impacted his kids and that he wasn’t the most involved Dad to them. This latter point would bother me more than the fact he was unfaithful. You don’t know that the affair caused his ex-wife to check out. It could be that her behaviour was a factor in the marriage breaking down already. Not being a good Dad to his kids is a huge deal but something you already knew about him. This would be something I would want to talk to him about to better understand.

Cheating is shit in some situations - in others, like your Mum’s, it is a way out. But the fact that they are still together does show it wasn’t something they took lightly.

In my view life is too short to waste holding grudges against (otherwise decent) family members.

I hope you've not told your poor parents that you feel this way. I can't imagine judging a woman for using an "exit affair" to help ease her exit from an abusive marriage.

The fact that your parents have been happy together for, presumably, many years now, suggests that they're far more compatible than they were with their first spouses. All's well that ends well.

Gently, OP, I suspect you're projecting your feelings about being cheated on yourself onto your parents' situation. It might be worth getting some therapy or support to work through that.

He was an incredibly involved father.

You can't help your feelings and it is a poor reflection on your dad. I wonder how ( or why) they ever let you find out. Couldn't they have been economical with the dates they told you they met? Saying they split from their exes much earlier. Sorry if I'm not thinking clearly here .

I hope it doesn't sour your relationship with your parents.