I’m an affair baby

[wildgreyseas]

I don’t know how to process this information.

My parents had always, always maintained that their marriages had ended long before my mum got pregnant.

Anthony this is technically true, it’s come to light that they were both still married when they started seeing each other. Both in very unhappy marriages that were all but over, but still legally married and not separated. My mum was in an abusive marriage, so I kind of view that a little less harshly, but I feel sick to my stomach to think of it. It’s awful. The hurt they caused, and I’m a physical representation of it. I can’t even look at them.

Your parents got together yeah? Then you were born out of love.
While I don't condone affairs, sometimes it's more complicated. For one I'd be thankful I wasn't born to an abuser father.

I think you may be overly harsh on your parents. Any chance you're blaming them for the hurt you have suffered by cheaters?

Being a drama queen is far, far, FAR worse than being an "affair baby" OP. Grow up!

In fact I actually applaud your mum for having the affair and not sticking round in a marriage that is frankly shit and not allowing an abusive man to ruin her whole life. And not also letting society dictate to her what she can and can’t do with her own life. And I’m happy at your dad too for actually having the guts to leave his ex wife and not leave her for more years in a miserable marriage, giving her more options to start again with someone new also.

i disagree. People can't help feeling what they feel. What they absolutely can and shoukd control is their words and actions.

If this is the worst thing your parents have done in your eyes I’d say you’ve had a pretty good time of it.

This is only a big deal because you're making it one OP. What went on in the romantic relationships of two adults many years ago isn't your business, being related to them or being involved in conversations about it doesn't make that any more true. I would sit with it a while as new information and then distance myself from it, there isn't any reason this needs to affect your relationships. It isn't for you to morally police the historical actions of others when they're realistically quite minimal in terms of negative effects. Language like 'disgusting' is very extreme for the circumstances you're describing and you need to be careful how you word things if you speak to them about it or you're likely to create a real issue between yourselves.

It seems like this has more to do with your own trauma around being cheated on, which is understandable but is for you to deal with separately. Unfortunately these things happen in life, all kinds of relationships end and that will work out for the better for some than others and that too is a part of life. it sounds as though the decision your parents made was the right one for them both.

Are they still together and happy?
Frankly- they don't need your judgement.
Your mum was in a abusive relationship and she found happiness with someone else who clearly also wasn't happy in their marriage.
Life is messy. I do hope you're perfect.

Much as cheating isn't great and causes a lot of hurt, if a marriage is over, separated in every way other than a bit of paper I can't see that as fully cheating. There's no 'relationship' there, just some red tape.

I haven't ever questioned if I am an affair baby. I don't think I am, but my Mother cheated on her first husband (an abusive arsehole, which I think also lets someone off the hook if they cheat!) with my Dad.

I might ask. But I might just forget to ask because I don't care, it really isn't a big deal.

But ok to sleep with someone else?

Judgy, virtue signalling and making it about you.
Wow.

You feel like your dad laughed at your pain, OP. That's why you're reacting as strongly as you are.

Your dad was your role model for how men should behave, and you've found out he doesn't have the integrity you always thought he did. That hurts. I get it. But if I can say . . . I think you might've had your head in the sand a little. In the circumstances you describe - particularly the reaction of his ex-wife - I would have doubted their story long ago. Your dad may have laughed because he assumed you had figured that out as you got older. Or he assumed ex-wife had told you.

The thing is, your dad still left his ex-wife and ruined the childhoods of your step-siblings, as you say he did. It doesn't really make a difference if he left them before the ink was dry on the divorce papers or not. The hurt he caused was the same either way, particularly for the kids. I'm not really sure why it bothers you more now than it did before?

How were you coping with their unhappiness before? How had you squared it all away in your head?

@wildgreyseas I too am an affair baby (only came to light when I was around 16/18 years old). My mum was married to a mean man (father to my older sibling), and she and my conceived me (they had been in a relationship years earlier and they were actual soulmates). Conceiving me meant my mum had the courage to leave that marriage and make it official with my dad (they married a week before I was born!). There is no shame, trust me.

No, it’s not ok. But that’s why OP feels differently

Sure. If hooking up with someone else helps give them the impetus/drive/courage to leave an abusive marriage, I have no issue with that.

I mean… I was going to basically say the same thing but perhaps a bit more gently.

OP- you could be the child of a sexual assault, a one night stand, you could have no idea who your father is, you could’ve been born to a toxic and miserable couple who treated you terribly.

Can we reframe this a second. You were born to two loving parents in a stable home and are one of the decreasing number of people whose parents are actually still together out of love.

Don’t you think you’re being a tad “extra” about something that literally happened to other people before you were even born.

If your parents brought you up well then what went before is not your place to judge.
You may well find yourself in an unhappy marriage with difficult decisions to make about your future happiness. Hopefully people will not judge you.
You are not the embodiment of anything except yourself.
It sounds as though your dad has played fair financially with his first family.
I think you should let this lie and get on with living your life.

I really don't understand why you are being so dramatic to be honest. I also don't see why your dad is getting all of the blame when presumably your mum he was in a relationship so it was both of them.

There are different kinds of affairs OP.

Sometimes people in unhappy, abusive marriages don’t see how bad it is for a long, long time. You see it all the time on here - women putting up with all kinds of awful behaviour from their husbands who don’t seem to have the strength even to realise how bad it is, let alone leave.

Then they meet someone by chance who reminds them that they are alive. Yes of course ideally they should get out of the marriage before taking it further, but you’re looking at this through a normal lens, not through the eyes of someone who has been gradually worn down to a shadow. And surely you can’t think they owe anything at all to the abuser?

I'm with you OP: cheating is an awful thing to do. Selfish, entitled and unrestrained, and I do think less of people who indulge in affairs.

BUT it was them, not you. It isn't your fault.

It seems that your parents are still together. Has it been a loving and happy marriage for them? I imagine they were absolutely delighted to have you as a sign of their love together.

I think you’re projecting your own experience onto your parents’ actions decades ago. And please don’t end up bitter over this for the rest of your life, as your half siblings’ mother has done.

Think of it like this - you are the product of a loving, happy and enduring relationship.

You weren't theere at the time the affair was conducted. You don't know the ins and outs of either of your parents previous marriages, because you weren't part of it (or born!). You only know what you've been told by your parents and various relatives.

Of course cheating is awful. If you talk to most people, they will say they've been cheated on at least once. My ex decided the best course of action whilst I lay fighting for my life in ICU, was to cheat...and he ended up cheating numerous times.

Presumably your parents raised you in a loving, stable home? If that's the case, then that is what you need to focus on. The fact your Dad left his ex wife, and his children, isn't your guilt to carry. He made a choice, and he has to live with that.

Our parents are human, and like all humans, make mistakes.

Thing is, isn't that the line that so many cheating men use? "My ex is crazy/abusive", when they're getting in the pants of someone new? Whether it's so that the new partner feels sorry for them and so doesn't count it as cheating, rather they believe they are saving him from the abuser/crazy woman. Or maybe by claiming that his ex is abusive or nuts, he feels that he's justified in his cheating. When in reality, the woman is nothing of the sort.

In an abusive relationship, who cares. Abuse is worse.

Oh hang on... <checks username>

When one party has already broken several marriage vows the other party can’t reasonably be held to theirs, surely?

There are plenty of people still married in paper dating and living with other people.
If the issue is that they were not divorced that shouldn't be a drama.
If they issue is that they were cheaters that is up to them not up to you.
You are a grown up, let this go. It doesn't matter much now in the present.
You are only the representation of yourself.
I wouldn't give it a second thought if I were you.
Recover from the shock and enjoy your life.