AIBU to wonder whether to tell my adult children about abuse?

[Nightingale222]

Sitting having dinner with DS (23) and DD (21). Talking about a holiday we had when they were little. DS recalls myself and H arguing on the plane. (Not my finest moment).

However they were unaware of the few days before holiday. We had an argument where H pinned me down, kicked me and screamed that he hated me.
I don't know why I didn't leave there and then. I think I was in shock. But also FIL had paid for us to go on this once in a lifetime holiday with him and MIL and I didn't want the children to be upset .

When my H saw the bruises all over me the next day and I said look what you have done, he replied "I didn't do that!"

Mil said "I hope my son didn't do that?" When she saw.

The whole holiday I was on edge. We had to dance to FIL tune and I was upset. I managed not to let the children know and they did have a good time.

Obviously, lots more to this and I am still here but working with women's aid to get out.

But should I tell my children about this or keep quite to protect them?

DS doesn't really get on with H but DD is quite close.

My mental health issues were improving but then I lost my Dad. I am actively looking for work.

Maybe they will want to move out, I know my DS would but rents are so expensive.

Birthdays, holidays and Christmas are all fine.

@Nightingale222 Birthdays, holidays and Christmas are all fine.

Genuine question, what does 'fine' look like to you? I suspect that someone so used to an abusive relationship will have a pretty skewed view of fine.

I think maybe this could be the wake up call OP. That you have minimised and washed over some horrible things and even a violent attack in order to protect others peace, but actually you're the one who is remembered as the problem and blamed because they didn't see what their father did to you and so his narrative is the one that wins.

It's not an easy situation at all. In many ways I wish I didn't know about my dad's violence towards my mum, but also he told everyone including me that it was because my mum cheated and took everything away from him etc and properly painted himself as the victim.

I think that id be seriously thinking about this now. What do you want the rest of your life to look like?

You matter.

Well, we haven't been on holiday for a few years. DC go with their friends.

Always make an effort on birthdays, have a family meal etc.

Christmas has always been ok, we normally host.

The DC know we will eventually split, but there is no screaming and shouting.

It's not great, I know but not awful.

What does “fine” look like? Because you and your husband despise one another, don’t talk and there’s decades long abusive behaviour?

You are trying to convince yourself this is no big deal now. Reread your own op.

I'm not trying to convince myself of anything.

Im just stating that my DC are not unhappy!

Of course they would like mum and dad to be in a loving relationship. But as adults they know life isn't like this.

I am going to leave, but that takes time. But my children are very well rounded and amazing.

l

@Nightingale222 But as adults they know life isn't like this

I don't think you understand that this isn't normal. As adults who grew up in an abusive household this is their 'normal', which is really, really sad. Your relationship has conditioned them to think it's all ok.

Yeah you're right, I should have left years ago.

They know this is not normal, but yes you're right it is very sad.

Im just trying to point out that they are not unhappy. I know of plenty of families that have loving, healthy relationships and their children still have problems.

I also stated previously that I didn't even realise my relationship was abusive until a few years ago.

I have only despised my H in the last few years and I have kept that to myself.

I know we have possibly damaged them but at the moment they are both doing very well. My DD in particular is very level headed and has a healthy relationship with a wonderful partner.

I spend a lot of time with my DC, they constantly ask me to go for walks, coffee, dinner with them.

These constant remarks about how unhappy and damaged they must be is really not fair.

I can't change the past so these comments are really unhelpful!

Fair point about those type of comments not being helpful, @Nightingale222 - I agree it's not fair to make you feel bad when, like you say, you've spent so long not realising the position you and they were in.

It's great that your kids are doing OK.

I'm confused as to why there are so many deleted posts on this thread?

@Backonthestudy why did your posts get deleted?

The finance team have emailed me and are going to contact me next week. They have also given me details of drop in centres that I can go to which I will.

DD is here permanently, she goes to a uni that is commutable, she didn't want to leave home.

DS comes back for holidays, but is finishing this year.
He will really struggle staying here after having his own place.

omg another deletion, what is going on?