AIBU to wonder whether to tell my adult children about abuse?

[Nightingale222]

Sitting having dinner with DS (23) and DD (21). Talking about a holiday we had when they were little. DS recalls myself and H arguing on the plane. (Not my finest moment).

However they were unaware of the few days before holiday. We had an argument where H pinned me down, kicked me and screamed that he hated me.
I don't know why I didn't leave there and then. I think I was in shock. But also FIL had paid for us to go on this once in a lifetime holiday with him and MIL and I didn't want the children to be upset .

When my H saw the bruises all over me the next day and I said look what you have done, he replied "I didn't do that!"

Mil said "I hope my son didn't do that?" When she saw.

The whole holiday I was on edge. We had to dance to FIL tune and I was upset. I managed not to let the children know and they did have a good time.

Obviously, lots more to this and I am still here but working with women's aid to get out.

But should I tell my children about this or keep quite to protect them?

DS doesn't really get on with H but DD is quite close.

I am very sorry this happened to you but I can’t see what your gain by telling them now. What I see as possibilities is they will either tell your husband and things will get worse or they won’t believe you and you’ll spend too much time and energy trying to convince them. You need to get out, if your goal was staying until the kids grew up they’ve done that now and it’s time. It sounds like there’s plenty they won’t miss from their childhood as your husband and his father sound awful.

I would tell your adult children. They need yo know what kind of man their father is and what he did to you so they can understand why you want to leave.

Also they might have kids one day and deserve to know that their father can't control his anger and can be physically violent. they need to be aware of this because they might not want their own kids to be left alone with a man like this in the future...

Them knowing also mean they can support you with the practicalities if leaving him.

Do NOT say anything while you are still living with him.

I'm glad you are working with Women's Aid but they will tell you the most dangerous time for an abused woman is during the time they are leaving. You would be stupid to add another layer to the danger. You've kept quiet for twenty years, another one won't hurt you (and might actually save you).

Perhaps you could turn the question over to your husband, see what he has to say about why the argument started. Of course he'll deny being the reason for the argument so you could just let it hang without a response.

This.

Focus your energy on getting out. There will be plenty opportunities in the future to explain. Bide your time.

Are you close with your adult children?

You’ve had 15/20 years to leave, your kids are adults, do this for you, stop delaying and wasting the one life you have.
Many many women have left with the shirt on their back rather than wait on ‘economic people getting back to them’ whatever that means.

Please do not tell your kids about this while you are still there, firstly for your safety and secondly because it will put them in the middle of it all if you are all still living there and that is really, really unfair on them.

Just concentrate on getting out.

It means that they will help me with my finances. What I am entitled to etc.

My H deals with all our finances, I have no idea how much money his company makes, what debt he is in, even what our outgoings are.

I am very close to my children, as they have got older the put downs from my H has stopped. My DS pulled him up on it.

I will tell them once I am out.

Thank you for all the kind comments. I have very poor mental health and have had a 3 month hospital stay after a complete breakdown and suicide attempt.

Its only after recently losing my Dad that has given me the strength to contact women's Aid.

It’s a shame that you say you are very close to your children but your kids blame you for making a scene in this argument.

I wouldn't say they were blaming me. They were laughing when they brought it up, kind of in a teasing way "when you lost it with dad".

it just hit a very raw nerve as they have no idea about the events beforehand.

I think speaking to WA has reminded me of all his bad behaviour and I was feeling fragile.

I bet they are already aware or won’t be shocked. Would your DH throw them out? Surely you can get a place suitable for you, and continue to see them regularly. When I read your first post, I assumed you’d left him.

Oh sorry. I read They were basically blaming me for making a scene.

that they were blaming you

Given that you are close to your children and they weren't being mean to you during that conversation I would probably leave it.

Otherwise I would have said "kids there was a lot more to that argument than me going nuts. H, would you like me to explain to them exactly what happened or should we agree that this isn't something to blame me for and definitely not something to be laughing about?"

It is entirely possible that your children have raised this long-ago fight because they suspect a lot of stuff that they haven't been told and want to hear from you about it.

They are 21 and 23. Any damage from your marriage has already happened to them. I would say it is important to be honest when possible now. Also you don't want to go along pretending everything is la la la happy and then it come as a shock to them that you leave their dad.

Yes, sorry it does read like that. But it was more in a joking way.

No my H wouldn't throw them out. I can't get a place as I have no money and don't work at the moment. The house would have to be sold but there isn't a lot of equity so would only be able to rent a small flat. Basically I would be making my kids homeless.

If you are close to the kids
and presuming they haven’t had their head in the sand given the still live with you
then they will be acutely aware of the situation. So perhaps they wouldn’t even be surprised by why you tell them

But surely at these ages they have plans to move out in the nearish future? They work?

Both at uni, DS leaves this year, DD living at home. They couldn't possibly afford to rent themselves

Yes now they couldn’t

but by the time this all went through - your son could have secured decent employment and want to move out.

Added to which they can stay with their dad too

i wouldn’t prolong this, especially as I doubt even the kids feel particularly happy at home, when you have kids in their early twenties

Why aren’t you working? I think that needs to be a priority

I’m sorry to hear what you’re going through.

I think, anything you do, try to think how your children will react (you know them best) and how best you can keep a good relationship with them whilst the whole family dynamics change.

If it was me, I’d make my plans, leave whilst they are at uni and visit them at uni (plan a day out) to tell them. No need to share the abuse in detail, nor put your husband in a bad light as that encourages taking sides which you don’t want; just state that things have not been good for a long time and that as they are now adults, it is time to focus on your life. More details can/should come later once things have settled.

Hopefully this way they’ll have time then to take it in before going home to find you’re not there. Plus uni life will keep them preoccupied too. It’s Important for them to know you’re not abandoning them and where you will be and what to expect going forward. Mum and Dad are still there for them but just not at the same place.

Best of luck op ❤️

Definitely my top priority. It's just been hard with my anxiety and depression.

But I think being away from H will help with that. It just feels overwhelming at the moment.

I agree with this. It’s really sad that you’re keeping quiet and allowing a one sided picture to be portrayed.

How long have you been out of work?

makes sense to start looking now. Having your own income will be a big boost to your self confidence. Does your DD work?

Your kids are adults

They still live with you both

Of course they will be aware of what’s going on