AIBU to wonder whether to tell my adult children about abuse?

[Nightingale222]

Sitting having dinner with DS (23) and DD (21). Talking about a holiday we had when they were little. DS recalls myself and H arguing on the plane. (Not my finest moment).

However they were unaware of the few days before holiday. We had an argument where H pinned me down, kicked me and screamed that he hated me.
I don't know why I didn't leave there and then. I think I was in shock. But also FIL had paid for us to go on this once in a lifetime holiday with him and MIL and I didn't want the children to be upset .

When my H saw the bruises all over me the next day and I said look what you have done, he replied "I didn't do that!"

Mil said "I hope my son didn't do that?" When she saw.

The whole holiday I was on edge. We had to dance to FIL tune and I was upset. I managed not to let the children know and they did have a good time.

Obviously, lots more to this and I am still here but working with women's aid to get out.

But should I tell my children about this or keep quite to protect them?

DS doesn't really get on with H but DD is quite close.

I really feel for you and totally understand how you have got to where you are. Well done for contacting WA. It’s the first step.

my mother stayed, very similar to you in that my dad only hit her once when I was quite small and after that stuck to financial abuse and emotional manipulation.
Of course I didn’t see it for what it was as it’s all I knew. It deeply affected me in my own relationships though and has impacted on my son in turn. I eventually found a decent partner but still didn’t really get what kind of man my dad is until about 18 months ago when I witnessed him attack my mum - he has had a stroke and some cognitive decline so he has reduced inhibition.

This is when my mother showed me the photos of her bruises from his attempt to strangle her 6 months previously. I knew they argued but always assumed it was 50/50. Im
still amazed that I just didn’t see it. I’m nearly 60! Apparently I’m not that unusual sadly.

Sadly she won’t leave even though I can afford to help her now. Says she is too old after 67 years of marriage. I ache for her but it’s her decision.
I have had to step back because I cannot be around my father (that incidence bought a flood of repressed memory and trauma, equally the same thing happened to my son when he witnessed his dad verbally abusing new wife - we may forget, but not at a cellular level).

i guess what I’m trying to say is focus on doing this for your kids. Even now it’s not too late. They don’t need a family home to come back to. They need you to be happy and in decent MH, and trust me once you are away from this pondscum of a man you will feel the weight lift from you like magic.

Even if you are broke and living on bread and butter and can’t turn the heating on.

is there anyone at all you could stay with while you get your head together, old friends etc?
I wouldn’t worry about the kids. They are old enough to cope with your H and will vote with their feet if he behaves badly with them.

You need to not be in the same house as him. Don’t be like my mum and end up psychologically trapped. I thought my mum would leave after her mother died and she inherited but they are utterly co dependant. Keep going with Women’s Aid. Do everything they suggest. Trust their judgement. They know this situation well and know what works. Best of luck. I hope one day you post here about how fantastic it is to have your own space.

It sounds like it's too late to leave for their sakes, they've grown up with abusive relationships modelled to them and they've become...whatever this is.

You can still grieve for your Dad whilst you look for a job. (Ask me how I know.)
And minimum wage is better than being stuck at home alone all day earning nothing.
Not only will you start being able to save your exit fund, you might even find a friend or two and start building a support system.
You have been with your husband for many years and still stayed even after suddenly realising it was abuse, so yes I do think it’s taking a long time. You will continue to be with him forever unless you take some action.
Ultimately, if someone had come along and told me what I needed to do I may have come up with all sorts of excuses too as it’s scary and takes effort and bucket loads of strength and resilience to leave an awful living situation and the only environment you know.
But currently you’re stuck in catch 22 whereby you say you’re too depressed to take action, yet your husband and living environment is likely the source of your depression.
No one else can do this for you - but once you do, you will wonder why on earth you didn’t take action sooner.
No one else can do this for you OP, and yes it’s shit and unfair but at the end of the day nothing changes until something changes.
I will bow out now but I really hope it gives you food for thought. Best of luck.

You have been out of work for years. I think at this point you need to accept that you’re not remotely going to go back in to the level of work you were in before.

This

since the terrible violent incident , how has the abuse manifest itself since then? What did WA say when you called back, will they see you in person?

You should not still be married to this man. Your children are adults. They need to know the truth. It makes me shudder to think you are still with him.

Why are you still with this man?!?

Did you dad know he was abusive?

Thank you for this. I'm sorry about your mum. That must be very hard for you ❤️

Keeping financial stuff from me, when I would cry and say I was worried about our situation he would say "you really need to see someone".

Little digs all the time, if I said something g funny he would say "that's the funniest thing you have said in 10 years"

Talking down to me and correcting my speech/accent.

Not sticking up for me with his family.

Having to cater for his large family many times with no empathy as to how much work was involved.

Not helping me when I broke my ankle.

Absolutely no help with housework, gardening.

I caught him messaging a mutual friend telling her how kind and beautiful she was and telling me I'm the nastiest person he knows.

When I told him I was suicidal saying "then you better write your will and sort out your pensions"

Driving me to hospital after an overdose, screaming at me on how "I'd fucked things up" then leaving me at A & E.

Hardly visiting me in hospital.

When hospital arrange marriage counselling arguing with the counsellor.

When I had a horrific accident moaned about visiting me. This left me bedridden for 6 weeks, didn't really show and care. Refused to clean the house. Husky spending a lot of time organising his father's rental properties.

If I ever try to discuss something will just start shouting.

Watching porn during the day on the family computer. Walked in on him one day ( could have been my daughter)

Doesn't wash his hands before preparing food, after using the toilet and then shouts if I pull him up on it.

Final straw was when he wasn't supportive when my dad died. Said he was going to the funeral because "his mum wanted to go"

I banned him from attending.

Yes my dad knew he was abusive, more so when I went to hospital. His begging regret was that "he was too old to do anything about it"

My parents stopped speaking to H a few years ago.

My mum says she was aware very early on but was frightened to intervene because she was scared of losing me.

Honestly, I've only just realised the past few years. And stuff that I have found out in the last few weeks has made me realise what a sham our marriage is.

It was the National Domestic Abuse helpline I phoned. They gave me the details of my local WA and said their Economic team will contact me.

Have emailed WA and waiting for them to get back to me.

Personally I feel differently. It’s never too late. If my mum
had left my dad when I was early 20’s there’s a very good chance that I’d have made the connections I did when younger and consequently avoided a lot of hassle. It’s never too late to model appropriate behaviour to the next generation and better to start learning this in your 20s than getting to 60 and having it hit you like a brick.

They still all live together.

You are very brave! I too was trapped in a very abusive marriage - coercive control, very mean with money, occasional physical abuse (attempted to strangle me when I was eight and a half months pregnant with our second DC). He eventually left after almost ten years. I think adult DC are aware there was abuse, but the divorce paperwork is in my document file, so they may find it at some point after my death. I would certainly mention it if it came up in conversation. H is dead now, so they wouldn't be in a position to ask him about it. I hope you are able to leave soon.

You tell them the truth.

Is your mother still alive?

All you posters going on about “why didn’t you just leave” - honestly you’re giving me the rage right now. None of you (thankfully) seem to have a clue about domestic violence and how hard is it to pull yourself out.

The most vulnerable time in a woman’s life are 1. Pregnancy and childbirth and 2. Leaving an abusive partner - in both situations your chances of being killed are massively increased.

When my mum left my dad after a thirty year abusive marriage we were completely terrified - if she didn’t answer her phone we thought he’d killed her but we were all in different countries so couldn’t always be there physically. She was fucking brave to get out and basically start again sorting out the life she’d always craved, she got a degree and made a whole new rake of friends.

Right until she died she was terrible with any sort of raised voices or conflict and if she remotely thought she was being disrespected she would lose her shit completely. I mean there is no doubt she was fully traumatised. In the year or two before she died she told me a few horrifying stories like when he tried to drown her, the time she got strangled…. I mean he’s a bad bastard my dad. Unfortunately still alive. My mum kept so much from us it’s heartbreaking -
but what else could she do? She knew that mouthy young people are unable to sit on that without saying something inflammatory. And then we go home and then what? Fists. She did want to lay that on us so she didn’t.

I do not see him but when you are raised in that environment you become almost automatically compliant - I find it very hard to stand up for myself - I’ll defend my children automatically but I am simply trained to keep a lid on it and this is what being raised in an eggshell environment does to you. It is INCREDIBLY hard to get out, physically and mentally. It corrodes your sense of self.

OP: you need to get out without any delay now that you’re ready but don’t rock the boat until you’re free. You know what to do, now that you’re strong enough. Good luck

What was your childhood like with your father?

Fucking awful! He’s a mad bully. It’s destroyed my siblings’ self
esteem, me not so much but I am woefully apathetic in an aggressive situation.

I am the only one to have married and I’m really happy. My siblings are constantly in toxic relationships. He’s destroyed so much. Thanks dad!

I am going to put this as gently as I can.

Your mother was your parent and she stood by as this man destroyed her children’s childhood. Yes, she was being abused herself. But ultimately, she was your protector and she didn’t protect you

Completely agree but she herself was brought up in an abusive situation so …. How do you learn the skills, confidence and courage? Thisnis how these cycles are repeated.

Why are you interrogating the OP? She's hear for support, not questioning. There are some very unpleasant responses on this thread.

OP I hope you can leave asap.

Yes she is, I spend quite a bit of time with her.

She does have a spare room but she is very OCD so I would find it incredibly hard living with her. But I could if it gets too bad. Would feel awful leaving my son here.

My DD is very level headed, she will pull my H up on his behaviour. She is also in a very good relationship with someone who adores her. They have a very healthy relationship.

I think that if she can’t put aside her PCD to help her abused and incredibly vulnerable daughter - then that’s, well, crap.

Your son lives away at uni
comes back for holidays
and he’s In his mid twenties!!