AIBU to wonder whether to tell my adult children about abuse?

[Nightingale222]

Sitting having dinner with DS (23) and DD (21). Talking about a holiday we had when they were little. DS recalls myself and H arguing on the plane. (Not my finest moment).

However they were unaware of the few days before holiday. We had an argument where H pinned me down, kicked me and screamed that he hated me.
I don't know why I didn't leave there and then. I think I was in shock. But also FIL had paid for us to go on this once in a lifetime holiday with him and MIL and I didn't want the children to be upset .

When my H saw the bruises all over me the next day and I said look what you have done, he replied "I didn't do that!"

Mil said "I hope my son didn't do that?" When she saw.

The whole holiday I was on edge. We had to dance to FIL tune and I was upset. I managed not to let the children know and they did have a good time.

Obviously, lots more to this and I am still here but working with women's aid to get out.

But should I tell my children about this or keep quite to protect them?

DS doesn't really get on with H but DD is quite close.

Your posts are very frustrating to read, OP.

Personally, I have never told my DC about abusive issues with their father. It's unhelpful. They need to make their own decisions and choices. All I can do is model better ones.

By staying you are modelling that it is okay to live like this. If this isn't the life you want for them, don't leave it any longer before you start the next part of your life. They can stay with their father if he is the one to stay in the family home.

Of your adult kids aren’t painfully aware of their parents utterly dire marriage (and have been for many many years) then I’ll eat my hat.

Or maybe they would think

shit, my mums amazing. She’s finally done it. Let’s club together and work this out. She’s a hero.

we have lived with this for years. We can help.

or maybe they will project this to their own relationships.

you can still shape that.

Ignore people saying you should have left sooner. It is not always easy to leave. Be kind to yourself and take one day at a time.

They are aware, they have been for a long time. They would not blame me at all when I do leave.

They do not know that he has assaulted me though. I have never asked them to take sides and I never will. I could walk out tomorrow and they wouldnt be shocked.

Logistically though, where do I go? Or do I force a sale and share a 1 bed flat with them?

My DS does not have a great relationship with his dad. But he does love him.

It's not a case of if mum and dad divorce but when.

I was going to get a job, get my eggs in a row etc but he is dragging me down so much that I don't think I can whilst I am living with him.

Thank you ❤️

You could speak to The National Domestic Abuse Helpline about a place in a refuge. Your children can stay at the property with your H. The space away from him would help you to get on your feet and find employment etc. The number is: 0808 200 0247

Otherwise, speak to your local council. They may be able to offer emergency accommodation as you are trying to escape domestic abuse. Your MH struggles make you vulnerable and increase the likelihood the council would have a duty of care towards you.

Pretty insensitive and, well off, of your adult children then, to be supposedly acutely aware of the abuse that you endure, but then also be “blaming” you for this aeroplane argument. Weird

You are years away from 'forcing a sale' if you haven't even told your husband you want to divorce him. By which time, your adult children will be well into their mid-late twenties.

Being very brutal here, but you sound as though you are actually sort of comfortable in this situation. I think you need to be honest with yourself about that, because you only have these days, and you need to decide whether this is how you want to live, or whether you want something else.

No it's not how I want to live. Its the first time I have contacted WA though and I'm finding out what my rights are.

@GottaBeStrong thank you for that. I have contacted them and they are going to get their economic team to get back to me.

The last few years he hasn't been that bad. It's just through therapy and the way he has treated me I cannot forgive or continue with

I wouldn't say they know I've been abused. They are aware of some of the comments my H has made to me. They know he keeps financial stuff from me, but feel sorry that their dad is struggling.

WA said that I am being financially and emotionally abused. So did my therapist, there is also a pattern of behaviour in how FIL and BIL's treat/ have treated their partners.

It's only just recently that I realised that the way he treats me is abuse.

Although it's been going on for years I have firmly had my head in the sand. Apart from that one time he kicked me, but even then I questioned myself and wondered if I'd asked for it.

Your adult kids are “aware” “have been for a long time” and “wouldn’t blame” you if you left…

and yet They were basically blaming me for making a scene. H was sat there too with a grin on his face.

wtf? Your kids were bloody insensitive.

How long have you been out of work for? Are you on receipt of any benefits? I’m genuinely struggling why your adults children in their, by that time, early / mid 20s would not be able to afford a house share with friends at least. Surely they will want to move out!

No you don’t tell them! Not when you are still in the house, and married to him.
What do you expect them to do with that information when you haven’t valued yourself enough to go?
Get yourself sorted, then at some point you may consider telling them. Now is not the time

Read this back, as if your daughter wrote it. Or your sons wife.

Then read it again, and again.

the pattern of family behaviour. the wording of the “one time her kicked me “ missing out and held me down,

read it again.

then think about your children. If you cannot break this cycle for you, keep reading that until you can see it as them.

Couple of questions op.

Any possibility at least your eldest who is due to graduate soon can look for a job further away in a cheaper location and do a houseshare? People don’t always have to stay in their home town.

Have you considered contacting the police? Do you have evidence of the financial abuse?

I'm so sorry about this. How can we help with you getting out? I'm sure it seems overwhelming when you also have your children's accomodation to consider - do you want to dump all your thoughts here? The women here will help you with pragmatic suggestions.

Fwiw I would hang fire for now, do all the necessary things and then tell them when you're in a place (physically and mentally) where you can answer their questions and support them.

Sending love and fortitude x

You have to leave him and then you can be honest as to why.

I actually had a chat with my DS last night and discussed this.

There maybe a possibility that we could share. He hates living with his dad. My H hygiene is awful and he is very messy.

The financial abuse is more about H keeping stuff from me. I've been incredibly stupid and put my head in the sand for many years.

There is so much more to this, but I'm not going to say anything to the children. I am going to leave, I just need to work out how.

I know I'm coming across as flakey and stupid but I'm so ashamed of the situation I am in. I hate the fact that my children have been around this environment and I'm also aware that they have been damaged by it.

I also have to be really careful about my mental health. It was awful what I went through before and I really thought I was better off dead.

While your still with him, it will be hard for you to tell the children what he has done. After you leave you can tell them everything.

If you tell them now they are going to be upset / bewildered / shocked as to why you are still with him. Do you have an answer for them if they ask why your still with him ? Also once they know, they may start to feel uncomfortable around him.

Been thru simular situation with my parents when I was a child.

you don’t sound stupid. I know you where you are coming from. Don’t listen to women who think it’s easy to just leave or navigate abuse like this as if you enjoy living like this! Some of the comments are dreadful, hopefully they don’t work with women who are suffering long term abuse, especially when it’s not outright obvious abuse at times or to anyone in the outside.. It’s like a Drip drip drip type of abuse and it does affect you mentally.Womens aid are always the best bet. Nothing you say will sound stupid and they understand all types of abuse and the long term effects of the abuse.

Thank you so much. X

When was the last time you worked? Do you have any income for yourself or disability benefit?

I can’t believe that knowing you are abused and have been do many years - your adult DC blamed you for a causing a scene whilst their abuser dad grinned on the background. That seems so thoughtless of them. Cruel actually. Even if it was “laughingly” blamed you.