AIBU to wonder whether to tell my adult children about abuse?

[Nightingale222]

Sitting having dinner with DS (23) and DD (21). Talking about a holiday we had when they were little. DS recalls myself and H arguing on the plane. (Not my finest moment).

However they were unaware of the few days before holiday. We had an argument where H pinned me down, kicked me and screamed that he hated me.
I don't know why I didn't leave there and then. I think I was in shock. But also FIL had paid for us to go on this once in a lifetime holiday with him and MIL and I didn't want the children to be upset .

When my H saw the bruises all over me the next day and I said look what you have done, he replied "I didn't do that!"

Mil said "I hope my son didn't do that?" When she saw.

The whole holiday I was on edge. We had to dance to FIL tune and I was upset. I managed not to let the children know and they did have a good time.

Obviously, lots more to this and I am still here but working with women's aid to get out.

But should I tell my children about this or keep quite to protect them?

DS doesn't really get on with H but DD is quite close.

Don't understand why you posted this but yes.

He took a gap year and then repeated a year due to poor mental health. Leaving this year.

She can and would in a heartbeat. I would find it hard living with her, she is also a very negative person so not great to be around.

He has a girlfriend / boyfriend? Friends? Would he not want a flat share? Does he have an idea how he’s going to earn once graduated?

Have you inherited anything from your father that might help with finances?

Exactly. Plus it was a very different situation for women in years gone by and they didn’t have the rights that they have now. Our generation (I’m late 50’s) are so lucky to have more awareness and support. Even so, it’s been relatively late coming. Marital rape was still legal until 1991 and I can remember calling police when my so was a baby, so early 90’s and they ‘don’t get involved in domestics’. I vividly remember the change of tone when I called them again 10 years later. Total support, they came straight out. I was given a contact number for the local law centre etc. couldn’t have been more different.

sadly it seems that a lot of the resources that were available then have been decimated now.

I suspect this isn’t about the mother’s OCD, but more about the excuses you make for yourself in this situation. And I don’t mean that in a bad way - it’s just that you get so worn down that you self sabotage. I did it for years in two different relationships.

It has to get bad enough for some (and that threshold is very individual) that they feel they have no choice or the choice is made for them. It’s like being a slowly boiled frog. We don’t see any of this until we can get clear of the abuser.
She will get there, or she won’t. One thing I’ve learnt is you can’t convince someone to leave abuse. All you can do is light the path and keep the flame going.

No not at all, she is very hard to live with. I can do a few days but it's far too much.

Im going to tell H tomorrow that I want a divorce. Either he can get his family to help with a rental or the house will have to be sold.

I'm still looking for a job.

Did you receive any money from your father?

Have you told your H that you want a divorce yet?

OP I really hope that very soon you can reflect on this from elsewhere.

Your son has taken a gap year due to mental health. You have two adult children at home.

put them first and show them how to parent and teach them how to value themselves.

If you can’t do it for you do it for them. It’s been decades. And I get that’s harsh. but look at what he is doing to you all.

You ok @Nightingale222 ? How did he respond to you telling him that you are divorcing him?

I agree. 100%

In that case I would tell them. You’ve covered for him for too long, although they may never understand what that has cost you.

Sorry I haven't been back on. No I haven't said anything yet.

My children have been around.

I spent the day yesterday hanging on for advice from the National Domestic Abuse helpline. They gave me some details of a drop in service where I can speak to someone in person. I spoke to them via their chat service as everyone at home.

My DS is going back to uni next week for his finals. He took a gap year after A levels and then repeated a year. He started uni when I was admitted to hospital. I feel so guilty that he has had to deal with all this.

Once I tell H my life is going to implode. He won't get physical.

Yes I know I am weak, I'm not trying to put things off but I'm struggling mentally.

Thanks for all the kind advice, going to the drop in centre next week and will speak to my H after.

You speak about your children like they are primary aged. These children are in their early and mid twenties, and they have lived under this roof and will be aware / endured the poisonous atmosphere between their parents all their lives. Their mother telling their father that she wants to end this very dark situation will no doubt give them huge relief. I suspect your DS mental health issues will exponentially improve

Well they will always be my babies, even in their 40s.😊

It hasn't all been doom and gloom I have shielded them from a lot.

DS has ADHD as do I.

I'm not saying it does. My DS was struggling and was then diagnosed.

I know it's not a mental illness but it does bring it's challenges

There is a lot odd about this entire situation. But essentially two very unhappily married people, and growing up within this environment has resulted in two very unhappy adult children.

What do you find odd?

My children aren't unhappy. My DD is very well rounded, excelling at university, works hard and has a great relationship.

Yes, my DS has had a few problems. But he is also doing very well at uni, has an amazing work ethic and a great social life.

How can they be happy when they live at home when not at uni - and their parents don’t communicate, awful atmosphere, loveless and a very unhappy mother who doesn’t even have the distraction of work?

It would be a blessed relief for them if you split.

They are it 100% happy but who is?

It's not all doom and gloom here. We get on very well and have lots of happy times.

They are very well rounded, don't drink, smoke, take drugs and have a large group of friends each.

Yes it would be a relief when we split because they want me to be happy.

Again I will ask you, what's odd about my posts?

are not

Who gets on well? You and your children, yes, but family dinners? Holidays? Christmases? Just living together -must be awful.

Has your mental health issues have forced you to give up work improved? Or are you still suffering to the extent that finding working is going to be hard?

If they have a large group of friends… won’t they be wanting to move out and maybe share a flat with them?