AIBU to wonder whether to tell my adult children about abuse?

[Nightingale222]

Sitting having dinner with DS (23) and DD (21). Talking about a holiday we had when they were little. DS recalls myself and H arguing on the plane. (Not my finest moment).

However they were unaware of the few days before holiday. We had an argument where H pinned me down, kicked me and screamed that he hated me.
I don't know why I didn't leave there and then. I think I was in shock. But also FIL had paid for us to go on this once in a lifetime holiday with him and MIL and I didn't want the children to be upset .

When my H saw the bruises all over me the next day and I said look what you have done, he replied "I didn't do that!"

Mil said "I hope my son didn't do that?" When she saw.

The whole holiday I was on edge. We had to dance to FIL tune and I was upset. I managed not to let the children know and they did have a good time.

Obviously, lots more to this and I am still here but working with women's aid to get out.

But should I tell my children about this or keep quite to protect them?

DS doesn't really get on with H but DD is quite close.

I last worked 4 years ago. I get a monthly allowance from H.

I left because of my breakdown,

Ok so 4 years isn’t so bad. Are you in a fit state now to work? How do you spend your days?

From what he gives you - enough to save a bit?

Both kids at uni… so just you and him most of the time. What’s the atmosphere like? Eat together? Share a bed?

I think when I first posted it came across wrong. My DC are very kind and supportive of me.
My DS in particular doesn't get on with his Dad.
The abuse from H has been subtle around them.

I think it's just that when it came up it jogged my memory about the lead up to it.

Your entire OP was about your kids blaming you for drama. You have since hugely back tracked.

Either way - if you want to leave… you need to start using your time to plan plan plan

Good luck

I don't think now is the right time to tell them. You may be underestimating how hard it would be for them to hear it. Things could really blow up and that's the last thing you need when you're making progress and getting yourself in a position to leave. It could really set you back and it won't be of any benefit to your DC either.

I spend my days cleaning really. Very hard to be motivated about anything.

Finding a job is first on my list.

We have had separate rooms for years. Only eat together if the children are here. He cooks his own food but I do all the cleaning and laundry.

I don't have any kind of social life, he goes out a lot.

I hate being around him. I have brought up divorce before, years ago and he just shrugged and said we can't afford to divorce.

Thats why I need to speak to the financial people to see if I would be entitled to more of a settlement etc.

His family have a lot of money but would not help me. His Brother is in charge of the finances.

Next week I'm going to speak to WA again and also try and find some free IT courses as I'm not up to date.

My DS has basically said that he cannot live with his dad anymore but rents are so expensive.

I think the other thing that holds me back is that they will not have a "family" home to return to if they needed it.

I was in an abusive relationship when I was younger and left it too long to leave as I had nowhere to go...

I think the other thing that holds me back is that they will not have a "family" home to return to if they needed it.

I was in an abusive relationship when I was younger and left it too long to leave as I had nowhere to go...

So you’re holding a safe space for your dc to turn to if they ever need an escape? That’s a lovely thing op.

But demonstrating the courage and wherewithal to leave (and I don’t for a moment underestimate how hard that is), making a new life away from him, is another kind of safe space you can make for your dc. You’ll be a person they’ll know they can turn to in a desperate moment. You’ll be the person that they can trust to understand before they have the courage to leave. You’ll be the person that can guide them to the services that will help even if you can’t physically take them in.

It is understandable to want to give them what you didn’t have. But there are other ways

Leaving will help them see the dysfunction with more clarity. It may help them avoid repeating your mistakes.

Don’t let it overwhelm you. It’s just one step, and another, and another. Don’t think about all you have to do, just do one thing,

You’ve got this @Nightingale222

I wouldn’t tell them until after you have a safe plan to leave and then tell them everything. Leave first though.

your post has helped so much, thank you x

Way too much focus on your adult kids and them having a “family home”. For a start, your kids are categorically not going to have happy memories of this family home. It contained two parents that despised one another and were profoundly unhappy.

Secondly, to stop them laughingly blaming you for causing a scene whilst their abusive father smiles on, you should say to them that given they know their father - this really doesn’t help and to ask them to not do again.

Thirdly, you need an independent income. Not just for the money, but for the confidence and to fill your time. So in the first instance - I’d be applying for jobs. What industry were you in? Or perhaps for speed - you could just apply to a supermarket or similar for a few shifts.

I am shocked that your children didn’t think incredibly hurtful and thoughtless that it would be to laughingly blaming you for an argument when you say they are very aware of how awful things are for you. And in front of the abuser no less. Awful behaviour from them.

They were not aware of what lead up to the argument. They were young, they just remember the argument.

They do not know the extent of the abuse from my H, I have kept a lot from them.

I don't want them to hate their dad, it would only hurt them.

It's very very complicated. I'm going to phone WA tomorrow to see if I can go and speak to someone.

Im sorry if I'm weak, my whole life is due to explode.

So much back and forth. Sometimes you say they are aware. Sometimes you say they’re not.

These are bone fide adults. They live at home. Of course they see the abuse. And have done all their lives. And the way they laughingly blamed you in front of their abusive dad - was cruel and thoughtless.

If you search on Google you should be able to find out who your local domestic abuse organisation is. Sometimes this isn't WA. If it isn't Women's Aid, then refer yourself to them. They will have a section that works with women who are still stuck in the abusive relationship and they will be able to give you support to safely leave.

If you cannot find the information out, speak to your local council and they will be able to signpost you.

@GottaBeStrong thank you.

I know I haven't really been clear with this, I yes I agree that maybe that was cruel from DC.

They know that we are very unhappy, they believe that H isn't nice to me but I don't think they would say he is abusive. Maybe because I have shielded them or maybe because they don't want to believe that of their dad?

I think that in my first post I was incredibly upset, but it also made me realise that I should have left many years ago and I guess I wanted to vent.

There is also stuff they don't know, like my H disgusting porn addiction which I obviously wouldn't tell them.

He has already failed a lot as a dad and to add more of his behaviour would only hurt them.

Thank you for all the kind posts and helpful advice.

I am a bit all over the place at the moment so I apologise if I seem to be going back and forth.

Hopefully I can return to this thread when I'm out of this situation.

Have you called WA again to see if you can see someone?

I wouldn’t tell them about the abuse, no. They are probably aware of it and feel conflicted with their feelings about their dad. But they’re not your confidants and you should find other people to confide in about the abuse rather than them. Obviously if they ask you can be honest with them but don’t use them to offload your emotions.

If you told them… they’d probably twist it and end up joking around with their dad blaming you

As a child my stepdad abused me emotionally and physically but I resented my mother more than him for failing to protect me. She knew he was beating me and emotionally abusing me (name calling, constantly belittling and berating me, accusing me of things I didn’t do, counting biscuits in a packet to make sure I didn’t eat any… that sort of thing) but did nothing to stop him, and wouldn’t leave him. It ruined my relationship with her to be frank because as a child you rely on your mum to keep you safe and she just didn’t.

Anyway last year she took me to a spa for the weekend to celebrate my work promotion. I didn’t really understand why given I’d achieved a lot academically and professionally and she’d never done anything of the sort before but hey ho… She essentially used it as a big venting session, got wasted and explained he abused her too. Turns out when her lungs collapsed, it was because he’d beaten her. I just had no idea whatsoever, she hid it from me and he never did anything in front of me.

I’m grateful she told me because now I understand her psyche a bit more and why she didn’t leave sooner- she was afraid. If your DC already have an inclination something was amiss, you may as well explain. I’d probably wait until something comes up in conversation and it’s relevant, rather than randomly springing it on them though.

Good advice in this post, it’s a shame the OP has ignored it.
This is one of those excruciatingly frustrating threads where the answer to all OPs woes is staring her in the face - but of course she won’t leave him.
You have to stop kidding yourself that by staying with your POS husband you’re somehow providing a good home life for your kids.
You’re going to have to put some real effort in but you can turn your life around and start living rather than feeling like a victim.
Why is your post focussing on whether you should tell your kids that your husband abused you?! I mean come on, your son is miserable living with your husband, and you’re showing your daughter that it’s better to stay with your abuser and keep quiet rather than taking charge and separating.
The victim mindset will keep you a victim OP.
You need to find a job, earn your own money and reclaim independence. Unless you’re happy where you are - in which case, no, telling your kids how shit their Dad treated you isn’t going to help anyone. Maybe doing something about it might.

No ignoring it at all. I have been looking for a job, I'm still grieving my dad.

I know that is the first thing to do but I'm finding hard, I thought get a job then leave but have realised that it's hard whilst I am still here.

I am no way playing the victim. It has only been the last few years that I have realised this is abuse. Even when he attacked me I thought that maybe I deserved it....

I understand your frustration but I have been slowly ground down and it's only now that I realise he will not change and things will get worse.
Im sorry if I'm not moving fast enough for you, I'm trying to look after myself mentally. I don't want to go back to hospital, not that great being in a psychiatric ward.

I used to work in banking and then sales, sorry I don't think working minimum wage at the supermarket will help me mentally at the moment

Absolutely not. These poor kids have been forced to live in an abusive home by their father, and to a lesser and more understandable extent, their mother. They have been raised to think this is normal, into adulthood.

If they are bona fide adults, their parents are doubly so, but you seem fine to think that OP’s reasons for not seeing it are understandable.

Of all the people in this situation, they are the ones who are completely blameless. Understanding abuse, the OP is in the cycle of abuse and it’s also forgivable that she’s not able to leave immediately. But blaming the children for being unable to see and process abuse when they have had nothing but that in their lives is dreadful. Shameful in fact.

Thank you for this, my children are wonderful adults and I think it came across wrong that they were laughing at me.

It was brought up in a joking way, it's hard to explain.
But, I also know that they love their dad and although aware of some of his behaviour they don't see it as abuse....

They have both said that he should seek therapy and I feel they just can't get there head around the fact that he is nasty.

Im not going to say anything, it would only hurt them.

I was very upset on my first post and probably wanted to punish my H for what he had done.

This is all such a lot to take on, but I have started to make steps to leave.

I also have the massive guilt that they haven't been raised in a happy home.

My dear dad was a wonderful man and great father.