To want SD’s room to be multifunctional?

[SamphireSupper]

DP and I have decided to downsize as unfortunately he has medical issues which mean he can’t work full-time anymore. We have DS4 together, and SD13 who visits, at most, every other weekend. I work from home and am the breadwinner (relevant) and I currently work from the dining room.

The new house we have found is much smaller, still has three bedrooms, but no dining room. DS would have the box room. I’ve said I will need to have my desk in SD’s room. DP and SD don’t want this. AIBU?

I think it’s more that DSD and DH think their needs should come first, to be honest, despite OP doing her best for all concerned. The plain fact is that DSD only spends four days a month in the room. When space is at a premium and OP needs a comfortable and suitable workspace, her needs should be the priority. DSD is not going to be harmed by OP working at a laptop in her room while she’s not there.

But language and words can be important in how we see things. Don’t call it a « multifunctional » room or even that say that you’re sharing it with SD. Its simply her room that you use the desk in when she’s not there.

Ok that clarifies it thanks. In that case SDD using the part room sort office when she is around is a reasonable solution. It doesn't make sense for DS to be stuck in the part room/part office everyday including summer holidays while the other room is empty except when SDD is working every other weekend.

Asking OP to work in the living room makes no sense especially given her job is now critical for the family.

Are kallax units now sound proof?

DS is not too young to play unsupervised. Plenty of 4 year olds play in their rooms.

goodluck with that

I wouldn't tell SD, I'd just use room when she is not there 95% of the time and relocate to my bedroom when she is.

OP, exactly how much is your DH digging his heels in over this and has it caused rows? Is he likely to see your view point or is he being really stubborn?

I would make sure there’s a desk in SD’s room and then just go ahead and use it when she isn’t there.
You don’t have to poke through her stuff.

It is a perfectly reasonable suggestion I don’t understand why people are giving you grief over it

You are being unreasonable to move into a property that is not big enough for your needs. And deciding that this means that your step daughter can’t have her own space

Money no issue for you then

Would you not use your child’s room for something when they are not in it?
I would think absolutely nothing of sitting at my daughter’s desk if she wasn’t home.
does that mean she doesn’t have her own space?

Op please please use the room when not being used, it is what every other family does and please do not feel bad about it just due to the label of step, you are amazing just even thinking about it X the SD won't know or care, and it's your home.

On top of you not wanting to be in your bedroom 18 hours a day, your husband is going to need space to rest. It's completely unfeasible that he can do so in your bedroom while you're working.

If it’s not up to SD and it’s not up to DP then it can’t either be up to OP either…so who is not up to?

Have you read all of her posts?

I hope you don’t shower or go to the toilet at home without your 4yo, and sleep with them too. They are not too young to be in their bedroom unsupervised, my 4yo is at the wonderful stage of being happy to play without waking me in the morning.

All the ones up to your post, which was one. Scanned more of the rest. Plenty of compromises all round to be made.

I wouldn’t dream of invading my son’s privacy like that

Then you are lucky to not need to use all the spaces in your home. Many of us have to have multipurpose designed rooms in every room of the house.

The key is to have good communication and household discussions so that everyone can agree to do the best for each other with what you have available.

You think entering a room is invading privacy?

she’s going to be sitting at a desk, not settling down with a cuppa to read her diary.

You're right

I wonder why they don't just buy a ten bedroom house... 😕

I probably would have put a desk in the room , as surely she’ll need one for homework, and not tell her that it’s my workspace during the week

This is absolutely bloody ridiculous what I'm reading on here. Mumsnet at its best, slating stepmums.
@SamphireSupper - you are bending over backwards here in an attempt to please everyone but yourself. This is your job - you are the breadwinner and everyone's well-being depends on that, including somehow, your dh's ex.
Since when did children's wants, biological or steps, take precedence over everyone else? This is getting out of hand, in my view. Your sd will have "her" room when she stays over but would I chuff be working in the fucking kitchen with a perfectly fine room upstairs sitting like some sort of shrine the rest of the time.
It can be furnished/decorated to please her, sure. But you canNOT be expected to not use a room in YOUR house, that YOU pay for (not to mention the fact that you're also facilitating the house she lives in with her mother) because she's being a princess about it (and her father is enabling that).

Stand firm.

Life isn't ideal and sometimes throws shit circumstances our way. We just have to make do and do our best. It sounds like you have the following options:

SD in box room, but she has to have a single bed. You use son's bedroom as an office.

S in box room, SD has to have your desk in her room and you use it during the large percentage of time she isn't there. It's just how it has to be.

You stay where you are so your DH and SD get their way, but you stop paying more than required to the mother of SD.

DH finds a way to bring in some extra money in spite of his health issues, if at all possible.

No option is good here. You'll have to choose the best of a range of bad options. Hopefully your DH recovers and things can get better again. Stressful all round OP and no perfect solution, though it seems just having a desk in SD's mostly unused room is the simplest.