To want SD’s room to be multifunctional?

[SamphireSupper]

DP and I have decided to downsize as unfortunately he has medical issues which mean he can’t work full-time anymore. We have DS4 together, and SD13 who visits, at most, every other weekend. I work from home and am the breadwinner (relevant) and I currently work from the dining room.

The new house we have found is much smaller, still has three bedrooms, but no dining room. DS would have the box room. I’ve said I will need to have my desk in SD’s room. DP and SD don’t want this. AIBU?

Absolutely this. I agree with previous posters that DSD has had a bad time recently and needs support and understanding, but OP is providing that now to an extent that most step parents wouldn’t even consider, so DSD needs to appreciate that in order for that to continue, a smaller house is necessary, and that there is no scope for having a room standing empty most of the time. She can’t have it both ways.

Lots of posters clearly have no clue as to employer requirements when it comes to WFH - you can’t be sat at a kitchen table with household stuff going on in the background. OP is keeping everyone afloat so the rest of the family needs to give her whatever space is needed if they want that to continue.

This thread is proof positive that MN hates step parents and opinion prevails that they should bend over backwards to accommodate a step child, and in this case it’s a teachable moment for the child that life doesn’t always go as planned and you can’t always have what you want. You have to learn to adapt and consider others otherwise you’re going to have a very hard time.

The property does meet their needs. And DSD has her own space, when she’s there. Why do you think it’s reasonable that in OP’s situation she needs to have DSD’s room standing empty apart from four days a month, when space is at a premium ? How do you think DSD is going to be harmed by OP using a desk and a laptop in there when DSD isn’t even there ? OP is keeping everyone afloat and downsizing to make hers and her sons’ housing situation secure if worst happens and she loses her DH to cancer. That is the priority. The wants of a little girl, enabled by a father who is benefitting from OP’s generosity are way down the pecking order.

Clearly not, as OP has already said the house they’re living in now has a large mortgage which she wouldn’t be able to maintain alone.

This clearly isn’t that type of cancer given the circumstances

Step daughter didn’t ask to have to split her time between two homes. Each home is of equal value to her. Put DSin the big room and put dd in the box room. Put your home office in ds room.

Could you get a collapsible desk to use in her room when she's not there? I had one that i used when we lived in a flat and space was a bit of a premium, i used to fold it away and slide it under the bed at the end of the day, just wondered if that would be more acceptable if its not a permanent fixture in her room. I do think she's being unreasonable by the way, when my DH and I both work together from home on a friday i have to use the desk in my DDs room.

This. Your life is hard enough don't be made to compromise and make it harder. And she doesn't need a double bed.

I'd say as long as you tidy everything away before she arrives to stay, it makes sense. I will also say that we have a desk in our own bedroom (have had for years), so I'd have that as the fallback option.

Make sure you have your husband sufficiently on side and be understanding and sympathetic delivering the news to SD. Reassure her that if it becomes an issue for any reason, it can be reviewed; that she won't even know you've been in there; and that you won't ever touch her things.

I haven't read the whole thread, so don't know if this has been suggested.

Can you afford to put a hinged desk in your stepdaughter's room? That way it would fold flat against the wall when she's using the room, so it would be hardly any inconvenience for her.

OP is the only earner and she is supporting her DH and her family plus his ex-wife and her family (which she has no legal requirement to do). She can't afford a house big enough for everyone's needs to be met without any compromises.

If OP loses her job due to not having a suitable, private working space, they are all absolutely fucked.

It’s not unreasonable OP . it’s the best and only viable solution. End of.

Can someone enlighten me, I've wondered a few times - why should OP get a hinged/foldable/movable etc desk? I've always had a desk in my room, my DC have desks - is that unusual? It is not unheard of that children also use desks for homework, drawing, crafts etc, no? I can understand if no space, but OP says it's a big room so why can't they just have a desk for SD that OP can use when she's not there.

I suggested it because it means the OP doesn’t have to touch/move/disturb/tidy a single on of dsd’s things so when she comes back home on Friday her room is exactly as she left it. Everyone is losing their minds about privacy - it just removes a potential area of conflict.
I’ve used ds’s desk occasionally when I’ve done online courses for work and his is the most sensible space - big monitor, big desk, he’s out at school all day. Ds is pretty tidy but there is “stuff” on his desk that I’ll push to the side. There are drawers full of his stuff. I end up using his pens etc because they are just there. OPs dsd is already antsy about the situation and when she gets back the first thing she will see is that someone has moved her stuff and the when she leaves again on Sunday it will be in her head that her dsm is going to be in that space all week. “Make sure that desk is tidy! You know we use your room 24/7 as soon as you are out the door!”. If she wanted to create about it she could claim important things had gone missing, she could leave it a mess, strop about not even being allowed to use the desk. She might actually lose stuff and think her dsm must have shifted it somewhere. Removing everything the OP uses and not ever having to move dsds things eliminates this. She may even forget the room gets used during the week.

Another reason I use ds1s desk and not one of my other dc is that theirs are so disgusting that they are almost unusable. Dd1 always worked on the floor or in bed - the desk was just a surface to pile stuff up on. Ds2 is doing a-levels right now and his isn’t disgusting but it is a busy space.

I can’t believe a lot of what I’m reading or what people are suggesting. Of course you should use the room as your office when she’s not there. Why is this even a thing?

OP im so sorry you’re dealing with so much right now. I hope
your DP makes a full recovery. Just finished treatment myself and it’s the most stressful thing to go through when you have young kids, the mental side of it all is really tough. I know it sounds ridiculous, but try to find something for yourself in all of this. Shine do a course for partners and it might be a real help xx

Bit late but did you have to even tell her? Could have just put a desk in the room for 'her' and used it when she's not there if you work from a laptop 🤷.
YANBU in the slightest though. I sometimes use my teens desk as he actually has a much better set up than me! He doesn't get a choice in this since I pay for the house!
Needs must as the saying goes. You need somewhere to work to support the entire family, that trumps everything else.

Could have just put a desk in the room for 'her' and used it when she's not there if you work from a laptop

This basically, there's too much discussion around the topic. A desk will be a part of SD room furniture, no need to go into further details.

No you are not being unreasonable. If she is only there every second weekend just use the room and don't tell her! It's just a laptop for Christ's sake. Your DP needs to get on your side about this asap.

I have read all your posts, and you are stuck between a rock and a hard place here OP.
Can I ask, if and when the ex gets a council house, will you then drop the £700pcm cms payment?
This all sounds very stressful as the burden of all of this is essentially on your shoulders.
Does the ex get any money from her partner who just cheated and left (the stepdad?) As she has 2 younger DC with him? 😔
It cannot be that all the responsibility falls on you to keep everyone's head above water.

Would this lady do the same for you if the roles were reversed?
Another poster said could you find a happy medium to pay, instead of £700? 🤔

Your job is the priority at the moment, as it's keeping a roof over everyones head.
I would indeed pit the desk in SD bedroom, just for the short term (until they get a council house), then when cash is freed up, would you then use the spare cash for maybe a garden pod or extension or conversion?

Thinking of you OP, I hope you are looking after yourself, as this sounds extremely difficult to manage and you are going above and beyond with all the responsibility here. 💕 @SamphireSupper

And OP didn’t ask for DP to have to reduce his working hours due to illness, leaving her to pay his CMS to make sure DSD’s home circumstances aren’t reduced. DS lives there full time and wouldnt have access to his own room while OPis working. This makes absolutely no sense when DSD’s room is empty except for four days a month. No way would l be pandering to the whims of a thirteen year old like this and DP needs to be read the riot act for trying to enable it. This is a teaching moment for DSD. Circumstances change, life sometimes isn’t fair, and you can’t have what you want at the expense of everyone else.

What this amounts to is OP using a laptop in DSD’s room to WFH when DSD isn’t there. What on earth is the problem ? How on earth does it impact DSD when the room is available and as she left it, each time she comes to stay. The house is smaller yes, but with cooperation there’s enough room for it to work. OP shouldn’t have to justify this to DSD or anyone else. At all.

Depends on when it was diagnosed. Critical illness cover typically restricts cancer diagnoses to advanced or aggressive cancers. If it was diagnosed at an early stage and advanced from there, it may not be covered. The devil is in the details and the small print.

What this amounts to is OP using a laptop in DSD’s room to WFH when DSD isn’t there. What on earth is the problem ? How on earth does it impact DSD when the room is available and as she left it, each time she comes to stay. The house is smaller yes, but with cooperation there’s enough room for it to work. OP shouldn’t have to justify this to DSD or anyone else. At all.

Absolutely. But unfortunately its become somehow mandatory that a step child, no matter how infrequently he/she visits, should be given the best room in the house, and no one else set foot in it. Otherwise irreparable damage could be caused and he/she will feel pushed out.

Its guilt - nothing more. And MN's dislike of step mothers.

I totally agree that the OP, particularly as she bank rolls all of this, should be able to use her laptop anywhere she likes.

You’re very lucky to be in the position not to then. Many are not and OP is clearly in a difficult situation, trying to do her best for everyone while securing affordable housing for herself and her son should she lose her DP to cancer. Why are you trying to make her feel bad about a perfectly reasonable choice ? DSD stays four days a month. She doesn’t store much stuff there. OP is proposing to use a laptop and a desk while DSD is not using the room. It’s not invasion of privacy, it’s making the best use of the space you have for your circumstances.

I suggest you read the updates properly. OP is the only one being asked to compromise here.

I work in insurance
and it is almost always the type of cancer that triggers the CI policy coming into force.

Probably my background that is making me surprised DH seems to have have no income protection and no CI. I mean income protection is pretty basic when you’re a high earner and your family’s living circumstances depends on it