To want SD’s room to be multifunctional?

[SamphireSupper]

DP and I have decided to downsize as unfortunately he has medical issues which mean he can’t work full-time anymore. We have DS4 together, and SD13 who visits, at most, every other weekend. I work from home and am the breadwinner (relevant) and I currently work from the dining room.

The new house we have found is much smaller, still has three bedrooms, but no dining room. DS would have the box room. I’ve said I will need to have my desk in SD’s room. DP and SD don’t want this. AIBU?

Why does a 13-year-old need a double bed?

Sorry you are having to deal with all of these circumstances. You are being reasonable.

Could you consider getting a desk on wheels? You could just wheel it in and out of her room and she wouldn't even have to know that you are using the room.

Something like this

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Dripex-Computer-Portable-Adjustable-Keyboard/dp/B09TFCFX22?source=ps-sl-shoppingads-lpcontext&th=1

Put a desk in your bedroom, we have done this as we both wfh ft (we didn't when we bought our house) and all bedrooms are in use, one works from the conservatory and the other in our room. You can buy shut away desks so your desk isn't out when you aren't at work. Alternatively have a shutaway desk created in the livingroom. Your bedroom is the best solution though, no one needs to be in there during the day.

It doesn't need to removed though - OP has already said she'll move her laptop out of the room when she's not working, and SD can use it for homework when she needs to.

Sounds like you’re going through a lot. You don’t need to be having an argument about a desk in a room. It should be the least of your worries. If SD is only there weekends then don’t even tell her. Use the room Monday- Friday. Buy her a desk/ dressing table that you can use then just move your laptop and bits before she arrives.

While commendable I don't think it makes sense to downsize your hike just to continue to support her for 6 more months then reassess. If you're not committing to supporting her until SDS is an adult then don't commit and downsize your house creating more issues within the family.

Totally agree.

I know you said further up that you're nervous about explaining too much to dsd when she's anxious.

You can explain to your dh though.

Your job is keeping everyone going. You need to keep your job and keep your sanity. You need to use the 3rd bedroom when your dsd is not there.

Then once he gets his head out of his arse (yes I know he has cancer but still) and sees the situation for what it is you can decide together how to support dsd.

Or you reduce support to his ex, or you get divorced and drop dh and dsd from your equation, or you have a breakdown and then it really falls apart.

Putting a desk in a bedroom seems like a small compromise.

Garden office an option? Can do this relatively cheaply these days.

Not cheap enough - she has considered this.

OP stop justifying yourself, you seem to be keeping two
families afloat here and you arrange the house as you see fit.
Id not be allowing a thirteen year old to dictate what room and that she must have a double bed.
Small room for SD for the inner two nights a month with your desk in there, your DS has the bigger room as he live there 52 wks of the year.
Id be reviewing the £700pm, that’s a huge amount for one child’s maintenance.

Very practical solution could be a Murphy bed which has a hinged desk so when the bed is down for DD she wouldn’t be able to see the desk, monitors etc.

It’s worth her looking into the discretionary housing payment. It’s temporary but it’s for exactly these kinds of situations. It’s also worth her speaking to a benefits advisor to ensure the children are on the right of DLA etc & she’s receiving the correct Universal Credit elements.
I agree with you that SD will have to suck it up for now and your partner needs to be supporting you in this.

She’d disturb her son and partner when she works downstairs if they are home and vice versa - they’d disturb her. Plus many employers want you to have a proper desk - DSE regulations are law. I’m not allowed to work from a dining room table.

It sounds like a really difficult situation for you. I haven’t read all the comments, so apologies if this has already been suggested, but it might help to start by getting your partner on board. He may need to be the one to explain things to his daughter.

There’s a lot of change happening in both your family and his, and most if not all of it negative. They’ll likely need time to process and adjust, especially given his illness.

In times of uncertainty, people often try to regain a sense of control, sometimes over things that seem small but feel significant to them. This situation could be an example of that—perhaps they’re trying to control what happens in her room when she’s not there as a way of coping. (Edited to change husband to partner)

Why are people all insisting on foldable and roll-away desks? Is it really that unusual for kids to have desks in their rooms for homework and things? OP would simply use it when SD is not there.

Can’t you reframe this? It’s her room but you need to borrow it whilst SD not there? You can both choose the table and you take your work stuff out when she’s there at the weekend? As she’s only there at the weekend - can’t see how you need to use the room when she needs it.

Help her decorate it and make is hers in every sense other than you use a desk in the room when she is not there.

I think that's exactly what OP is suggesting isn't it? I agree it makes total sense for everyone in the family.

You can’t warrant a double bed for every other weekend when you wfh and need space and also your son lives there full time. That is ridiculous. He should have the bigger room!

You’re making an awful lot of assumptions here. A cancer diagnosis changes everything, it makes the future uncertain and if OP can make this work so that she can house herself and her child adequately if the worst should happen then it’s the sensible thing to do, instead of clinging on to a larger home you know you won’t be able to afford if the worst o happen. It’s not about being pessimistic - there’s always room for hope until there isnt and you have to be realistic.

OP has already said that she wouldn’t be able to afford their present mortgage if anything happens to DH, but the new house would be manageable. That’s a major factor in ensuring that she and her DS are securely housed should the worst happen.

I love the way that OP is bankrolling literally everyone in this scenario but there is little respect for her or her work. Would her employer be happy about her being in the middle of the kitchen on phone calls and video calls talking about confidential matters with her partner and children roaming around. That’s before you even get to her concentration levels

Yes, the ex had a child but she can’t (literally!) dine off that forever. She needs to be a big girl and stand on her own 2 feet. This whole thing doesn’t sound sustainable, in OP’s shoes l would be cutting the CMS and / or having my own desk set up in the SD bedroom

Critical illness cover generally doesn’t cover all cancer diagnoses - it depends on the small print. They are intended to provide a lump sum if you are diagnosed with a specified, advanced cancer, but policies often exclude early stage, non-invasive, or certain low-grade cancers, such as early-stage prostate cancer. Depends on the circumstances.

You probably shoukd have included a lot more of the info in your opening post @SamphireSupper because from that as a stand alone YABU.

That said, the dripfeed additional info changes things a bit.

For me, everyone needs to compromise.

SD gets the box room and a single bed.

DS gets the bigger room and you partition with kallax units or similar and create an office space in his room. He is 4, he is too young to be playing in his room unsupervised.

You are doing a great thing continuing to support SD and her Mum.

You haven’t explained why you and DSD can’t “share” the box room and she just changes her bed.

I watched a programme on BBC where a single dad did this.

They painted the walls neutrally but wallpapered the the ceiling so it was girly but couldn’t be seen on zoom calls. His desk tucked away.

it was a really good multi purpose space