AIBU to tell his wife after discovering he lied about being divorced?

[Milksteak82]

I've found out that a man I’d been seeing is actually married. He told me a very detailed story about being divorced, shared custody, ex-wife remarried etc which now appears to have been completely fabricated. He also said he was too busy for a relationship (same here) and that he’d recently come out of a long-term FWB situation.
Based on that, I opened up about my own divorce and we met a few times (coffee, hotels and at my house). I feel really guilty writing this, I saw him at mine just last week.
I only found his Facebook because he popped up in a shared hobby group I’m in. His profile is otherwise very locked down, but his profile/cover photos show what looks like a very happy, definitely not divorced couple.
I sent him a screenshot and told him to delete my number. He knows where I live, which is also making me pause.
I’ve blocked him but I’ve found his wife on Facebook.
It seems obvious to me that she should know. My own marriage ended due to my ex's constant cheating and I’m still picking up the pieces emotionally. But I also live alone with my children and he knows where I live, which makes me hesitate.
I feel strongly she should know, especially given the level of deception and the fact this doesn’t seem like a one-off.
If you were in her position, would you want to know? I've got screenshots, dates, etc. Is it better to say something or just walk away and leave it?

That poster always blames women for literally everything.

In a highly unlikely scenario - it could be that the ‘couple’ are putting on a united front for the children in certain photos for support.

I would leave it for 6 months then tell her for your own sanity. Six months is enough time to pass that it might come out or that he may have moved on to someone else. The immediate threat to yourself is over.

You and your children's safety is far more important than this man's wife knowing she is married to a cheater. She is not your concern your children are. You said yourself you don't know this man, he could turn nasty. Leave well alone is my advice. You really do need to be very careful dating as a single parent.
It's likely posters encouraging you to tell her may have been cheated on and are projecting but you will invite drama and possibly worse into your life if you heed that advice.

I was contacted by a random online many many years ago, to tell me that my then partner had been seeing her. I confronted my partner and he denied knowing this woman. In my defence I was young and inexperienced with men, and him being my partner, I believed him.

Yes, by all means tell her, but make sure you have evidence to back it up. In my situation, no evidence was provided, and therefore I didn't have any definitive proof. I know people say, you don't need proof, the fact someone has contacted you, is enough. Honestly, it's not, when you're in this situation, you need proof, for your own peace of mind.

If there's a single chance that this man could turn nasty (bearing in mind, you don't really know him), then it's better to walk away. Your priority is your children and your safety.

If he's psycho enough to lie about being married for 6 whole months, you don't know what else he'd be capable of. Put your kids and your peace first and leave well alone. Telling could start up a whole load of ongoing trouble and drama and stress that you don't want. Be glad you dodged a bullet

Yes. Same here. I think it might have been sensible to verify first.

If you can't answer that for yourself what on earth are you doing on a forum for women? Do you lack any sort of ability to make an emotional investment in a developing relationship yourself?

She’s not a random woman, she’s the woman your husband fucked. And she’s not trying to absolve her guilt, she’s trying to put you in possession of the facts.

Basically your answer boils down to “I wouldn’t want to know if my husband was cheating unless he wanted to admit it to me”.

I think you should tell her. With appropriate evidence such as some of the times you met.

Him knowing where you live, just have a plan for a response if he is nasty.

I've noticed that, too.

She’s not nervous in some abstract sense, she’s worried about repercussions from him, and he would know who those screenshots had come from.

How will she find out if the advice is always not to tell her?

no I wouldn't get involved.
Be thankful you've dodged a bullet and move on.
Why would you want to get involved in their marriage problems and is it safe for you?

it's not ops problem
Just move on.
Why do people suggest to a woman to go possibly put herself into a stressful, nasty situation like that. Isn't life hard enough?

Yanbu as if I was in the wife's position I'd want to know but also remember you didn't know and don't allow anyone to make you feel responsibile for this not even the wife. This happened to a friend of mine, she found out her ex partner was not seperated from his wife and in divorce proceedings. His wife and her daughter verbally ripped her to shreds and blamed her, she's blamed herself since even though all she did was take him at his word.

I feel sorry for the wife and daughter in this case, not because they were given information, but because they are deluded.

Yeah fair enough, don't let anyone guilt you into compromising your children's safety and security. Ultimately he's the only one who's done wrong here and while it would be maybe better if you could let the wife know, you don't actually have any sort of moral obligation to do so. Choosing not to, to protect your peace and your children's wellbeing, is totally valid. I'd probably feel and do the same in your shoes, although I'd feel scummy and complicit about it, so can understand why it's playing on your mind.

I think you are right to walk away.

Also, if it helps, I think there's a chance he isn't currently married to his current partner. I think he could be one of those "I never technically lied" type of liars.

So he has been divorced, recently ended a friends with benefits situation, too busy for a relationship (no shit!)... all those things could be perfectly true, with him failing to mention he has someone else in his life now.

I only mention in case the married bit is particularly distressing to you. Maybe doesn't matter, he's still a liar after all.

I’m not going to say anything, for now at least. It’s what’s best for me and my children. But I feel awful for his wife, and angry that he’ll likely get away with it. Just remembered there’s a fitness competition coming up that we were both meant to be at… not sure how he’d even have the nerve to show up.

If your husband travels a bit for work and is big into Hyrox competitions… it might be worth asking a few more questions.

Yes. Cos he’s really going to tell her, isn’t he?

What about him being a lying, cheating scumbag who would lie to save his skin do you not get?

OP he doesn’t sound like a dangerous man, just a pathetic selfish, entitled one. He hasn’t threatened you. It’s not drama to tell his wife. You haven’t created this scenario. I doubt she’d end the marriage over it but it might make her think about the occasions where what he told her didn’t add up. It might make her stop feeling she’s going mad when he gaslights her. It might make him more cautious about repeating this scenario.

I did try and find someone who my husband told me was having an affair while working away but he had locked everything down and didn’t even have any SM even linked in. I think I’d have to tell her because I’d feel better about how he’d been using me if it were me. Also I think if more of them get caught they’re less likely to merrily continue. I’m recently divorced and wouldn’t want a relationship either but I’d be raging if someone I was in a situationship with lied about being married.

It sounds like he’s a serial offender given that he’s obviously been married and divorced before. How do they keep up the deceit for so long. It’s just unbelievable. Why do they even bother to get married if they don’t want to be tied down. These days you can be single and have lots of situationships. It’s despicable to keep doing this and hurting so many people.

Me too.

It’s almost as if they are setting out to make women feel bad about themselves and disempowered.