AIBU to tell his wife after discovering he lied about being divorced?

[Milksteak82]

I've found out that a man I’d been seeing is actually married. He told me a very detailed story about being divorced, shared custody, ex-wife remarried etc which now appears to have been completely fabricated. He also said he was too busy for a relationship (same here) and that he’d recently come out of a long-term FWB situation.
Based on that, I opened up about my own divorce and we met a few times (coffee, hotels and at my house). I feel really guilty writing this, I saw him at mine just last week.
I only found his Facebook because he popped up in a shared hobby group I’m in. His profile is otherwise very locked down, but his profile/cover photos show what looks like a very happy, definitely not divorced couple.
I sent him a screenshot and told him to delete my number. He knows where I live, which is also making me pause.
I’ve blocked him but I’ve found his wife on Facebook.
It seems obvious to me that she should know. My own marriage ended due to my ex's constant cheating and I’m still picking up the pieces emotionally. But I also live alone with my children and he knows where I live, which makes me hesitate.
I feel strongly she should know, especially given the level of deception and the fact this doesn’t seem like a one-off.
If you were in her position, would you want to know? I've got screenshots, dates, etc. Is it better to say something or just walk away and leave it?

Unfortunately the partner made it someone else’s business the moment he started cheating.

The OW who has been lied to and deceived by the man she didn't realise was married. When a married man lies he is single, he makes victims out of two women. Your response is that the OW should have not trusted him and should have got to know him better.
Yet I doubt you'd say the same to the wife who also trusts him. If the woman he shares a life and history with, who has every reason to know his personality well who really couldn't have got to know him any better can be fooled, then why is it somehow a failing in the OW that she didn't get to know him better?

Forget about it. It sounds like a mess that is none of your business. Drive on.

Never interfere in someone else's marriage - it's nothing to do with you, and will just cause you more pain.
Walk away from this guy and get on with your life.

Ooh tricky. I get why you want to tell but you have your kids safety and your own to think of. You don’t want this to escalate! I got involved in some drama with a divorced man a few years ago and it backfired on me. Men can do dangerous things when they’re betrayed/outed. Luckily I’ve got a detective friend who helped me. So I’d say if you are going to tell her tread very very carefully.

Yes, tell her.

This! A couple of my friends have got FB profiles which state they are married, and have a picture of themselves plus husband. In reality one is separated and the other divorced over 3 years ago.

My son's FB profile says he's single, whereas in fact he's been with his gf for about 7 years. I honestly don't think he's looked at his FB page in all that time.

If you were the wife?

I agree. His wife deserves to know what’s lying cheating POS she’s married to.

I would want to know and I would tell another woman in a heartbeat

Wow- so you’re blaming the OP for not doing enough research into this bloke??

Thanks for the replies everyone, even the one's questioning my motives. I am not after 'drama' or revenge or self importance. Of course I am upset at being lied to, I didnt want an actual relationship but I believed that we had a good friendship and were having fun and a nice time getting to know each other. All totally allowed! I don't feel guilty about believing what a man I felt like I had got to know had told me, he is clearly a very good liar.
I am surprised at the posters saying they wouldn't want to know or that I shouldn't concern myself in their marriage. He is the one who involved me in it!

Or how about he gives you an STD, or spends family money on meals and hotel rooms and condoms so he can have sex with another woman - a woman he has lied to, and lied about you and your children, to get her into bed? Is that really the kind of man you want to spend your life with? One who has made promises to you he is now breaking? That kind of man is scum.

Nah, he wouldn’t not be worth my protection or my silence. No woman (or indeed, person) should be put in that position. I wouldn’t think twice about telling them, and I wouldn’t worry about doing it furtively or anonymously either. At least once someone knows they’re being cheated on they can make decisions about their own lives with full knowledge of the facts, not lies and half truths. I couldn’t give a shit if you think I’m ‘enjoying the drama’. It’s not about that - it’s about giving innocent people the power to make full decisions about their own lives.

I agree with this. Yes, the wife deserves to know but you are clearly understandably anxious about him causing trouble for you if you out him so it’s best to walk away for your own sake.

His posts in the public group are of an event a couple of weeks ago, it is a current Facebook profile.

If you are worried because he knows where you live and that he might try and come round or do something then I wouldn’t tell the wife. Your safety is more important. If that doesn’t concern you, then tell the wife. I’d want to know if it were me, but I’d also put mine and my children’s safety above the wife’s in this situation if I was worried the guy would hassle me.

And if she had, she'd probably say she was a stalker or obsessed!

I think agonising over this is keeping him in your head for longer. The people you are responsible for are your kids and you. Leave them both to it and walk away for your own peace.

This.

It's in your children's best interests to cut contact with this man and walk away.

Leave his domestic situation to him. You will gain nothing from interfering in his marriage. You don't know him or his wife so best to leave them be.

Time and distance will allow your sharp emotions to fade, and you'll be able to move on with your life.

The best revenge is a life well-lived.

He must have had his profile set toriends can see his posts or find him. I don't really know how he managed it but he was in visible when I searched for him. However his posts in the event group were visible. His profile pics are all current. As I said, I recognise the outfit from pics he sent me. Her profile is of both of them. Kids look the right ages.There really is no doubt even with mental gymnastics!

I’d chat to him, if only to see how he tries to squirm his way out of it

Well, the horse has already bolted with regards to your first paragraph. And of course I wouldn't. What in my post where I say 'I'd want to know' makes you think otherwise?
I said I'd want to know, but not from the OW in these circumstances, and explained my reasons. Which have northing to do with protecting the man, and nothing to do with accusing anyone of creating drama.

Can you get a friend to message her? I’d want to know.

Just walk away. If he’s cheating, she’ll find out sooner or later anyway.

Well then I'd have to point out how stupid you were to judge me for having a relationship with a cheating scumbag for a few months, when you actually married him. Maybe you'd be the one who should be thinking very carefully rather than lashing out like an idiot at someone trying to help you.

Put it down to a bad experience and move on. His poor wife. She probably knows and doubt you will be first. Leave well alone and just get on with your life. Not all men are shits ❤️

I was in your shoes 18 or so years ago. I had no idea a wife existed, and thought he and I were so happy. To this day I have no idea how he managed to hide her for a year.

I emailed the wife with evidence. At first she thanked me. Asked me to send her everything (I think what she saw really shocked her - he really did seem very genuine, and I knew all his friends, I saw holiday photos with his mother in them, etc.) - because by the end of that week, when she'd had a chance to have a good look at what I sent, and process it all, I started receiving threats from various members of her family.

Yep. She'd decided he was innocent after all (I'm sure he had his chance to get to her and lie his tits off) and before you know it, I had people threatening to come to my house and do all manner of violent things. I was threatened with broken windows, bodily harm, you name it.

I reported it to the police, and because I had a good friend in IT at work, they were able to trace one of the nasty voice messages I received, and there were arrests.

Nothing happened, but they ended up divorcing because she took him back and he cheated again.

I WOULD NOT recommend this course of action. He knows where you live so there's every chance you could go through what I did. It went on for about two years in my case, because his in-laws became so aggressive. Detectives became involved at one point. So much drama.

You have children, DO NOT do this. You don't know who she knows or how she/they'll react.