to wonder why women get blamed by other women if they don’t get gifts for their DH’s family?

[saynooo]

I see this a lot.

If a woman doesn’t get a birthday card or gift for her DH’s family, it somehow becomes her fault. Women will start saying she should have reminded him, sorted something out, got a gift on his behalf, dropped hints, basically managed the whole thing.

Why though?

They are his family. If he hasn’t bothered, how does that land on her?

You just know someone will come on and say well I would have just sent a card because I wouldn’t want Granny Mabel or MIL getting upset. Or the ones who say I wouldn’t do it myself but I would remind him a million times.

Then there are the ones who say they love doing it because he is so busy.

But that is still the same thing, just dressed up differently. You are still managing it for him. You are still the one carrying the mental load so he does not have to think about it.

All that does is keep the whole cycle going. He forgets, she prompts, and then everyone acts like he has done his bit.

That's bonkers. What are spouses actually for if one behaves like they are the enemy and expects their kids to take on this sort of job instead?
Really odd thing to suggest - If my dh was incapacitated I can't imagine telling my kids to remember obligations on his behalf instead of me! Or is that only okay if it's a step mum?

And if the kid is a daughter? Is that not just perpetuating the patriarchy lol

“what are spouses actually for”

Not any and all in-law related admin.

Tbh, I don’t think women shouldn’t do it any more than I think they should. If a woman genuinely wants to do it, values it, and/or enjoys then she should suit herself and do it.

The issue is when that is projected onto all women as something we are naturally inclined to do, should’ do, or something we signed up for when we got married. It isn’t, and it wasn’t.

They are there to support! If a person is incapacitated then it's not unreasonable to expect a spouse to pick up the slack. Obviously different if it's just a man who cba to make any effort.

If my step mum wouldn't help my unwell dad to buy birthday gifts for his parents and expected me to do it instead, I'd assume she wasn't wanting to inherit from my dad either and I'd be getting all his money! Either you are life partners or not - can't really chrrry pick!

Are the DC not there to support? The husband in question has adult DC who would be better placed than the step mum regarding gifts for the DC.

You could ask the question why it only really seems to be women who get bothered and upset if they don’t get birthday gifts and cards, and why they expect men to understand why performative gestures are so important to them? It seems to me that women are expecting men to think like women and are not wanting to accept that men do not think like women so do not actually find remembering these things worth anyone’s “mental load.”

What that support looks like is going to depend entirely on the individuals within a marriage. They can indeed ‘cherry pick’.

I’m not sure why you’d be assuming anything regarding inheritance.

Since we've been together it's been your family up to you to sort, I don't remind him and don't chose gifts. He doesn't help me with mine. We've been together 20 years, if he's ever forgotten I couldn't tell you. But if he had im sure his mum would have given him an earful 😆

Some women are martyr’s and getting huffy when someone falls short of their standards is just part of the game.

How do you know they're better placed? I wrote upthread about how problematic it can be when relatives look to already overwhelmed parents that are often overloaded already with work, kids and elderly parents etc to source all gifts for their children. Birthdays can be a manic time already, trying to arrange birthday parties and sorting out your own gifts without taking on everyone else's responsibilities too.

It is totally possible that the spouse has more capacity to find a suitable gift and assist their husband/wife writing a card and wrapping the present.

I think so many people are hung up on the gender politics involved that they have forgotten the practical realities of offloading duties to other generations that are already carrying so much.

Sorry for the double post but I just wanted to build upon this.

Imagine a scenario where a grandfather loses his capacity to send a gift and card to his grandchildren so asks his spouse (the children's step grandmother) to help instead of his adult son. This is a problem for many of you and many view the step grandmother as a bit of a mug.

When you reverse the genders though and a grandmother loses capacity and asks her husband for assistance instead of her adult daughter then I think most of us would agree that this is a decent thing to do and is motivated by saving the mother of the children yet another job.

My point is that being kind and considerate should be the default for everyone irrespective of gender. What's good for the goose should be good for the gander. The default shouldn't just be that women act like problematic stereotypes of men but that we challenge everyone to do the right thing.

You just keep painting images of people desperately ill who need help. That is not this thread is about.

My opinion has nothing to do with gender politics, and remains the same when applied to a man.

In the situation that you’ve described, ‘already overwhelmed’ can very likely also be used to describe the spouse of someone desperately ill. That spouse will likely be having to juggle their own ‘normal’ responsibilities AND taking on the share of those ordinarily shouldered by the spouse. They will be the one supporting their spouse emotionally, practically, financially, and even medically on a day to day basis, living with and managing the impact of that illness on pretty much every facet of their lives.

Yeah, I don’t think that they’re also obliged to concern themselves with birthday cards.

This was a specific scenario raised in the thread where the grandad wasn't desperately ill but didn't have the capability to send presents and cards themselves. Other posters pounced on the spouse for doing so on his behalf.

Nobody said anyone was 'desperately ill'. This kind of situation can occur with a disabled partner or someone in the early stages of dementia. If the person was desperately ill then this of course which tip the balance again if the care demands on the other spouse were as high as you suggest. This is why it depends on the specifics of any given scenario but there are cases where it makes sense for the spouse to do it and the fact that so many posters go to great pains to pretend there aren't just makes me think that people are being deliberately obtuse to feed their own agenda that spouses should never send gifts or cards on their partner's behalf when spouses do a lot more than just that if the situation demands it.

It can, sure. Even in early stages I would imagine the spouse has more things on their mind than sorting out fucking cards. It is indeed a minor thing when compared to the other things a spouse in that situation would be doing, which is a perfectly good reason for it not to be given any headspace at all.

If it doesn’t even occur to me to do family admin now, it certainly wouldn’t occur to me to do it in the event of my husband being ill. I’d be concerning myself with actually important things, and I would expect my husband to be exactly the same if I became ill.

Cards and gifts are important. That's the whole point! They can be important to the recipient and the giver. You might not care but I know relatives of mine care hugely about this, including a disabled relative that doesn't have the capacity to manage the gift giving process themselves. They need to be facilitated but take great care in choosing a gift and card for their loved ones. I absolutely don't flinch away from helping them do this even though it's not my job and I have other things you would deem more important to do. Just because you lose capacity to do things yourself or could never do it in the first place, it doesn't mean that your desire to do it doesn't matter. I would expect my husband to help me do this as long as he wasn't overwhelmed by other responsibilities at all.

To you. They are important to you. Presumably because they’re important to you, you make sure to put the work in yourself rather than delegate it to your spouse? Presumably you wouldn’t expect your spouse to be blamed if you didn’t?

That’s the whole point of the thread. If you feel you’ve been let down, then blame the actual person that’s let you down.

In the event of disability or serious illness (which dementia is, even in the early stages), I would not expect it to be in any way a priority for either myself or my spouse.

Honestly though, if you knew your relative and his/her spouse were dealing with illness/a life changing diagnosis, and you thought it appropriate to whine about not getting a card from them, they would be in no way unreasonable to suggest you go fuck yourself.