to wonder why women get blamed by other women if they don’t get gifts for their DH’s family?

[saynooo]

I see this a lot.

If a woman doesn’t get a birthday card or gift for her DH’s family, it somehow becomes her fault. Women will start saying she should have reminded him, sorted something out, got a gift on his behalf, dropped hints, basically managed the whole thing.

Why though?

They are his family. If he hasn’t bothered, how does that land on her?

You just know someone will come on and say well I would have just sent a card because I wouldn’t want Granny Mabel or MIL getting upset. Or the ones who say I wouldn’t do it myself but I would remind him a million times.

Then there are the ones who say they love doing it because he is so busy.

But that is still the same thing, just dressed up differently. You are still managing it for him. You are still the one carrying the mental load so he does not have to think about it.

All that does is keep the whole cycle going. He forgets, she prompts, and then everyone acts like he has done his bit.

That's bonkers. What are spouses actually for if one behaves like they are the enemy and expects their kids to take on this sort of job instead?
Really odd thing to suggest - If my dh was incapacitated I can't imagine telling my kids to remember obligations on his behalf instead of me! Or is that only okay if it's a step mum?

And if the kid is a daughter? Is that not just perpetuating the patriarchy lol

“what are spouses actually for”

Not any and all in-law related admin.

Tbh, I don’t think women shouldn’t do it any more than I think they should. If a woman genuinely wants to do it, values it, and/or enjoys then she should suit herself and do it.

The issue is when that is projected onto all women as something we are naturally inclined to do, should’ do, or something we signed up for when we got married. It isn’t, and it wasn’t.

They are there to support! If a person is incapacitated then it's not unreasonable to expect a spouse to pick up the slack. Obviously different if it's just a man who cba to make any effort.

If my step mum wouldn't help my unwell dad to buy birthday gifts for his parents and expected me to do it instead, I'd assume she wasn't wanting to inherit from my dad either and I'd be getting all his money! Either you are life partners or not - can't really chrrry pick!

Are the DC not there to support? The husband in question has adult DC who would be better placed than the step mum regarding gifts for the DC.

You could ask the question why it only really seems to be women who get bothered and upset if they don’t get birthday gifts and cards, and why they expect men to understand why performative gestures are so important to them? It seems to me that women are expecting men to think like women and are not wanting to accept that men do not think like women so do not actually find remembering these things worth anyone’s “mental load.”

What that support looks like is going to depend entirely on the individuals within a marriage. They can indeed ‘cherry pick’.

I’m not sure why you’d be assuming anything regarding inheritance.

Since we've been together it's been your family up to you to sort, I don't remind him and don't chose gifts. He doesn't help me with mine. We've been together 20 years, if he's ever forgotten I couldn't tell you. But if he had im sure his mum would have given him an earful 😆