to wonder why women get blamed by other women if they don’t get gifts for their DH’s family?

[saynooo]

I see this a lot.

If a woman doesn’t get a birthday card or gift for her DH’s family, it somehow becomes her fault. Women will start saying she should have reminded him, sorted something out, got a gift on his behalf, dropped hints, basically managed the whole thing.

Why though?

They are his family. If he hasn’t bothered, how does that land on her?

You just know someone will come on and say well I would have just sent a card because I wouldn’t want Granny Mabel or MIL getting upset. Or the ones who say I wouldn’t do it myself but I would remind him a million times.

Then there are the ones who say they love doing it because he is so busy.

But that is still the same thing, just dressed up differently. You are still managing it for him. You are still the one carrying the mental load so he does not have to think about it.

All that does is keep the whole cycle going. He forgets, she prompts, and then everyone acts like he has done his bit.

This is interesting because I’ve never come across this myself - no way would I be reminding a partner about his own mothers birthday etc and I’ve never been shamed by other women for this either!

Patriarchy
Misogyny
I'm sure there are more words and more eloquent explanations.

Its always the woman's fault, because inherently its the woman's job in many eyes. .

Why should that woman care what the other women think?

I've been married for nearly 30 years and have never once sent a card or bought a gift on behalf of my DH. I have never managed his interactions with his family in any way. If he organised seeing them, we see them. If he doesn't, we don't. Untill mumsnet, I had no idea that a wife would possibly be expected to manage her DHs family relationships. Seems balmy!

No I’ve not really come across this. I take an interest in what we are buying my DH’s parents for birthdays and Christmas because I like them a lot and because they always buy me lovely things. I think it’s rude to accept gifts from someone and not reciprocate so I’d never be happy if we didn’t get them something. I’m lucky that my DH is happy to sort this from both of us though, but will involve me in the choosing unless I’m particularly busy over something.

Because society has successfully socialised women into thinking taking over social tasks is normal.
And not only that, some women have swallowed the following:
That a task that a man is ENTIRELY capable of, just cant be arsed to do, is 'just not his strength, its mine, so i do this and he puts up shelves'
'Its nice to do things for another in a relationship'
And all kinds of other excuses to cover up for the fact that their husband expects to get the benefits of a social relationship without putting any effort in himself
And that he's okay with knowing his mum is upset because he didnt buy her a birthday present
And that he'd rather pretend he is shit at really basic stuff than put the effort in because he's just selfish
And they also pretend that none of this is gendered. Or worse, pretend having a penis means you are incapable of using your phone calendar, going into a shop and buying a card, texting your mother to meet up to give her said card.

Where do you see this a lot? I have honestly never seen it in my life. Not even growing up, despite my parents having very conservative and traditional views. Certainly not in my own life or those of my friends.

I have read about it on MN so I'm aware some women do this. I can't fathom why. I can't imagine DP or anyone in his family expecting this of me. The one time I've ever bought gifts for his nieces was when he was literally in hospital and he still sent me a list of options to choose from.

I also feel impatient with women who complain about this supposed societal pressure to do ridiculous things like this, yet do it anyway. Resisting societal pressure isn't something anyone's going to do for you. At some point you have to stop being a wet lettuce and do the resisting yourself.

There are no women in my life who put this pressure on me but if there were I would say some sort of variant on "hahahaha no?!" and then just not do it anyway. If they are unhappy about that, it's their problem.

Same here. I have always let my Dh deal with it himself and he always does

I can go one 'better' (worse, really). When my DP finally decided to contact his estranged half-sister (who I vaguely knew about), he was talking to her on Zoom, called me in and the first thing she said to me was why didn't I make him contact her sooner?? Erm what, excuse me??? I didn't say anything, I was so shocked. What did it have to do with me, it's is family, he's an adult and is certainly capable of making his own decisions!🤐

I know what you mean. And also the assumption that if the house is messy, or badly decorated it’s on me, and not on the other person who lives here???

My sil cheerfully gave me a list of birthdays and anniversaries when we got engaged, that she had been buying gifts and cards for from her db for years. Oddly she takes feminist offence to me being the default cook in our house so different standards.

And also the assumption that if the house is messy, or badly decorated it’s on me, and not on the other person who lives here???

Who though? Who assumes this?!

The kind of person who assumes or judges anything about my messy house is not the kind of person who gets invited to it.

(The mess is all my fault though, they'd be right - DP is a neat freak and I'm the slattern.)

Patriarchy. Misogyny. Because women are supposed to take over all that kind of kin-keeping activities and make sure their husband is not bothered by such trivial stuff. Trivial, but very clearly expected and she (not he) will be judged as a lacking wife, if she doesn't perform her wifework well enough.

I would never judge another woman myself, but I do not believe claims that this is not a thing and people have not encountered such expectations. When we got married, MIL gave me a calendar with all their massive extended family's birthdays and other events. I handed it to DH, but the expectation was definitely there.

I'm torn.

On the one hand, of course you're not responsible for sending your partner's relatives gifts or cards. That's crazy! They are his family.

I would say though that women tend to be the emotional epicentre of family units and I'm not sure that's bad thing. Realistically if you're child had a problem, who would they come to first? I was talking about this with my friends and almost all of us agreed it would be the mother even when there is a super equitable split of domestic tasks and childcare. It's complicated but not necessarily all bad. There is a lot of impact and influence in that role too. I wouldn't encourage women to drop it in favour of behaving like men so they can drop the associated responsibilities.

All of this ⬆️. Heaven forbid men do their fair share of the mental load and thinking about other people

It’s an infuriating mindset. A colleague of mine was getting shitty about her DIL not doing all of the presents and cards for her sons family. I said l admired her stance and do the same with my husband. Colleague said her ex husband (sons father), found it “difficult” so she did it all and “didn't see why her DIL wouldnt do the same”. I resisted the urge to say because your DIL isn’t a mug

You regularly see replies here along the lines of 'tell his mum' - when a poster is complaining about her dp/dh.

No one has ever tried this one on me, but if they did so what? why are people so afraid of being judged? If people want to judge me that is their problem not mine

Is emotional epicenter another phrase for dogs body?

No, it isn't. Why would you think it is?

men are not doing all that kinkeeping work because there has traditionally always been a woman to do it for them. Mother, wife, daughter - even sister, as noted on this thread.

YANBU. I do see this on MN from time to time but it is decreasing.

I maintain good relationships with my in laws. I’m there for birthdays, Christmas, funerals, visits but DH manages all present buying and card giving and arranging the visits.

If I see something nice that my MIL would like, I pick it up but it’s not expected and is always met with appreciation by MIL.

Wow, I’ve never heard of ‘kinkeeping’ before. What a great word.

I used to do all the reminding for my ex 😀 I still have all her friends and family birthdays in my Google calendar 😂

can't claim credit for the term but I do like it as well. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kinkeeping

I buy most of the family cards . But I now refuse to buy ones for the people who don't bother buying ones for us now so they go without lol

Every time this subject is discussed on Mumsnet, you'll get people coming on to 'blame society'.

Yes, society can be blamed for the way things were in the past, but only one person can make the change and that's the woman doing all this work 'because society'.

Take some personal responsibility and stop doing it.

Set a better example for your sons and daughters going forward.

We are not helpless and society is not the boss.

I only remind my husband of his grandkids birthdays as he suffers with short term memory loss and serious stress. If I didn't it would cause a fall out with his sons and hurt the kids