to wonder why women get blamed by other women if they don’t get gifts for their DH’s family?

[saynooo]

I see this a lot.

If a woman doesn’t get a birthday card or gift for her DH’s family, it somehow becomes her fault. Women will start saying she should have reminded him, sorted something out, got a gift on his behalf, dropped hints, basically managed the whole thing.

Why though?

They are his family. If he hasn’t bothered, how does that land on her?

You just know someone will come on and say well I would have just sent a card because I wouldn’t want Granny Mabel or MIL getting upset. Or the ones who say I wouldn’t do it myself but I would remind him a million times.

Then there are the ones who say they love doing it because he is so busy.

But that is still the same thing, just dressed up differently. You are still managing it for him. You are still the one carrying the mental load so he does not have to think about it.

All that does is keep the whole cycle going. He forgets, she prompts, and then everyone acts like he has done his bit.

Fuck that! I say to my in-laws - in front of my DP during Christmas gift giving "Dave was doing his side of the family again this year..."

the sons don't know he suffers from memory loss and serious stress? If they do, you would think they could cut him some slack.

Setting better examples with sons and daughters doesn't stop the women being blamed for lack of gifts.

Why wouldn't the sons remind him then?

After all, we're talking about their kids.

When my dad became elderly his short term memory suffered, so he used to ask me to please remind him at least a week before my kids birthdays.

DH does all his side of the family. Which means they don't really get done. Not my problem, and no-one in his family (or, as far as I know) in the entire world give a shit that I'm not doing it and/or that he is not doing it well / consistently / at all.

I am shit at presents and cards and all that. With friends, they know, and I don't send. I do give them gifts and treat them to stuff, but as and when rather than at birthdays and Christmas. However, my family set a lot of store by Christmas and birthdays and so I make the effort to mark them.

There's only one way to change everyone's expectations of what you will or won't do.

H deals with his adult kids cards, gifts etc and arranges meet ups. I never do this anymore than he would make arrangements to see my adult kids on my behalf.
As for other women judging me? Couldn't care less what some random thinks of me man or woman. If they are judging, talking or looking at me I'm taking up space in their heads and that means nothing in my world.

This is crazy! Wouldn't you facilitate a child to send a card or gift to a relative? The joy and happiness that can bring can be so worth it even if the recipient wouldn't expect anything and can appreciate that a child couldn't send the gift or card themselves. It's the same idea really. Why shouldn't this poster assist her husband and spread a little joy.

that's exactly what we are talking about on this thread.
Of course the poster can help her husband, no problem. But she says she does it because the sons expect her to do it and there would be a fall out if she didn't.

If a woman doesn’t get a birthday card or gift for her DH’s family, it somehow becomes her fault. Women will start saying she should have reminded him, sorted something out, got a gift on his behalf, dropped hints, basically managed the whole thing

Anyone who thinks this is wrong so can be ignored.

Setting better examples with sons and daughters doesn't stop the women being blamed for lack of gifts.

It will do eventually, as all old fashioned things eventually die and get forgotten.

Women have to just stop doing it though and if they don't, that's not 'society's' fault.

Aren't his adult DC more understanding of his serious stress and short term memory loss?

Societal conditioning. Hopefully it's changing

Because they know that she could have easily assisted him and chose not to so have upset the grandchildren. If the roles were reversed then I think the expectation would be the same.

It's like on Mother's Day when frankly crappy partners and husbands don't sort out gifts for the mother from the children. I always think the mums are right to get annoyed.

Sometimes for whatever reason it's the obvious nice and kind thing to do when your partner literally can't do it for others or themselves. My grandad always wrote the cards and sent presents from both of them when my grandma got ill. He didn't just stop

Why can't her husbands children do the reminders or even do the cards and gifts themselves and spread a little joy?

She's facilitating her husband to send cards/gifts to his grandchildren for their birthdays.

When really it should be her sons doing this as they are the parents.

I do not get involved in my husbands family cards and he doesn’t get involved in mine. If god forbid something happened I’d obviously start sending his mum cards/gifts but not further

It's like on Mother's Day when frankly crappy partners and husbands don't sort out gifts for the mother from the children. I always think the mums are right to get annoyed.

Because it the fault of other women?

Sometimes for whatever reason it's the obvious nice and kind thing to do when your partner literally can't do it for others or themselves

Why can't they?

obvious nice and kind thing to do

Can't the men be nice and kind? Are they allergic?

Kinkeeping (of which gifting is a part) falls to women 90% of the time. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kinkeeping

I suppose other women who have had to take on the role may resent anyone (other than men) opting out.

Hmm. My mother in law was the only person we bought for on my husband’s side. If I was ordering flowers for Mother’s Day I’d do both mums at the same time as it just made sense to. I’d pick up cards as I saw them and they were signed by the whole family. We’d discuss presents and yes, I’d usually end up ordering them. They were from the whole family by then. She’s sadly no longer here, I really didnt mind. All other household jobs fall to the one who’s best at them, I am the chief painter and decorator for example !

Because it the fault of other women?
What? The analogy was the sometimes there is an obvious best person to assist someone that can't do something for themselves. In the case of mothers day the obvious person to assist the children sending a gift to their mum would be the dad in most cases. If a married partner becomes too ill to sort out a gift for their grandchildren then their spouse is often the one that's best placed to help from a practical perspective. They can facilitate the writing of the card with them because they live with them and guide them in choosing a gift.

Sometimes for whatever reason it's the obvious nice and kind thing to do when your partner literally can't do it for others or themselves
Because the gift is for yourself I.e. a child's gift for your birthday or mother's day or you are too sick or disabled.

Can't the men be nice and kind? Are they allergic?
Again what are you on about? Obviously they can and should do the nice and kind thing. That's my point. We mustn't lose that just because gift giving is gendered and there are undoubtedly unreasonable expectations placed on women. That doesn't mean that poster was wrong to help her ill husband.

I don't think anyone should be expecting women to sort this be this their husbands or others although this isn't something I have come across. My Ex H had been buying gifts for his family before he met me and continued to do so once we were together. However, my MIL and BIL would buy me gifts so I might remind him and sometimes get involved in gifts which by then were from both of us. I didn't take on responsibility as such. Once we were separated, I continued to buy gifts for BIL and his partner as they did the same for me (MIL had passed away by then). We now just send cards (it's been a few years).

I definitely see this OP. I had to have a chat with my MiL a few years ago to explain that I was stepping back from buying gifts for them from DH - his family had grown a lot with babies and partners etc, plus aside from all the mental load of remembering dates and coming up with ideas I was also funding all of it. I'd reached breaking point with it all and needed to stop. She accepted, but was openly a bit confused so I had to really emphasise that this was not a reflection in any way of any ill feelings from me towards them. Consequently since I stopped doing it all my husband forgets both of his siblings and his dad every year, he only remembers his mum's as it's on Boxing Day. And while I feel very uncomfortable with that (and do still give him one verbal reminder a month or so beforehand) I've also learnt that it's not my responsibility to force him to prioritise or initiate.

I said to my DH when I backed off from it all - when we got married what admin did you unconsciously agree to take on that's purely related to my family? None, because men aren't expected to.

I actually stopped buying for husband’s side a few years ago. (Not our nieces and nephews though) my cards and gifts were always done the day before or no thought. I decided that I shouldn’t be the only one suffering his lax attitude. He has actually got a bit better since. Although his mum got her card 3 days late this year.

It is definitely down to misogyny. My MIL is the worst for it. Always frames things on what I “should” do. I always respond that her son could if he wanted to.

What? The analogy was the sometimes there is an obvious best person to assist someone that can't do something for themselves. In the case of mothers day the obvious person to assist the children sending a gift to their mum would be the dad in most cases. If a married partner becomes too ill to sort out a gift for their grandchildren then their spouse is often the one that's best placed to help from a practical perspective. They can facilitate the writing of the card with them because they live with them and guide them in choosing a gift.

Nobody is saying the father shouldn't do it for mother day on behalf of children.

If the married person is very ill, then why are the adult DC not stepping in to help?

Because the gift is for yourself I.e. a child's gift for your birthday or mother's day or you are too sick or disabled.

It is not just about these occasions and illness. It is the general expectation on women rather than on men.

We mustn't lose that just because gift giving is gendered and there are undoubtedly unreasonable expectations placed on women. That doesn't mean that poster was wrong to help her ill husband.

There is something wrong that the adult DC are not more understand of their DF. illness.

DH and I started going out when I was 19. About a year later MIL tried to give me a list of all the birthdays in their family on the assumption that I would start sending cards and gifts. I was gobsmacked that she thought a 20 year old would send a card to her boyfriend's aunt Mary - why on earth would I ever do that? She did me a favour though because it gave me an opportunity to state very clearly to (future) DH that I would buy as many presents for his family as he bought for mine - i.e. zero. He likes buying presents and actually does most of the present buying for our kids so he wasn't bothered.