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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wonder why women get blamed by other women if they don’t get gifts for their DH’s family?

159 replies

saynooo · 21/04/2026 12:10

I see this a lot.

If a woman doesn’t get a birthday card or gift for her DH’s family, it somehow becomes her fault. Women will start saying she should have reminded him, sorted something out, got a gift on his behalf, dropped hints, basically managed the whole thing.

Why though?

They are his family. If he hasn’t bothered, how does that land on her?

You just know someone will come on and say well I would have just sent a card because I wouldn’t want Granny Mabel or MIL getting upset. Or the ones who say I wouldn’t do it myself but I would remind him a million times.

Then there are the ones who say they love doing it because he is so busy.

But that is still the same thing, just dressed up differently. You are still managing it for him. You are still the one carrying the mental load so he does not have to think about it.

All that does is keep the whole cycle going. He forgets, she prompts, and then everyone acts like he has done his bit.

OP posts:
JHound · 21/04/2026 16:01

Itchthescratch · 21/04/2026 13:12

Because it the fault of other women?
What? The analogy was the sometimes there is an obvious best person to assist someone that can't do something for themselves. In the case of mothers day the obvious person to assist the children sending a gift to their mum would be the dad in most cases. If a married partner becomes too ill to sort out a gift for their grandchildren then their spouse is often the one that's best placed to help from a practical perspective. They can facilitate the writing of the card with them because they live with them and guide them in choosing a gift.

Sometimes for whatever reason it's the obvious nice and kind thing to do when your partner literally can't do it for others or themselves
Because the gift is for yourself I.e. a child's gift for your birthday or mother's day or you are too sick or disabled.

Can't the men be nice and kind? Are they allergic?
Again what are you on about? Obviously they can and should do the nice and kind thing. That's my point. We mustn't lose that just because gift giving is gendered and there are undoubtedly unreasonable expectations placed on women. That doesn't mean that poster was wrong to help her ill husband.

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The sons are adults. Your analogy does not work.

JHound · 21/04/2026 16:05

MaturingCheeseball · 21/04/2026 14:01

Coming at it from the other side… I have a sil who has clearly signed up to the MN Rule Book, ie she does not have any involvement, admin or otherwise, with bil’s side of the family. So, ok, bil is to blame, but it is a bit sad that the dcs have never received birthday presents/cards from them - when I know sil is big on things for her side. It just seems rather cold for the sake of a principle.

Blame BIL.

Hadalifeonce · 21/04/2026 16:06

I stopped doing it several years ago, but still reminded DH, last year I didn't remind him, when SiL asked if we had sent her DD something for her birthday, I asked DH in front of SiL, if he sent something for DN birthday, he hadn't, but sent a transfer there and then, and an apology to his Dsis.

JHound · 21/04/2026 16:09

YummyPieCrust · 21/04/2026 14:33

Except goes on to ask why men aren't blamed.

Clue: read passed the title. Did you get this far on this response? lol

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Yes. It’s asking why women blame other women for men not performing emotional labour for their families. You can knock the chip off your shoulder. It’s not a thread criticising men but rather women’s behaviour.

JHound · 21/04/2026 16:11

MaturingCheeseball · 21/04/2026 15:00

I do think some people’s aim is to make their partners into flatmates, rather than, you know partners . All this “Who knows and who cares when mil’s birthday is?” is unfriendly at best and verging on hostile at worst.

fwiw dh does all the present buying and wrapping, and I do (or did - really cut back now) cards. So I got the better half of the bargain!

You have strange relationships if you think not knowing your partner parents birthday makes you flatmates.

MovingBird123 · 21/04/2026 16:12

Oh dear, I must be really hated then. Dh doesn't even know when his parents' birthdays are, but when a sibling warns him one is coming up, it's wholly on him. I'd never even considered that it was my responsibility! Why on Earth would it be? I can't understand why I'd be better placed. And it's so surprising to me that he doesn't know the exact date of their birthdays that I sort of assume they have a weird birthday culture in their family. It does cause me some embarrassment that he doesn't know, but that's on him, not me.

Denim4ever · 21/04/2026 16:14

With family birthdays I don't think it's a his and hers thing. You both need to remember and if it's forgotten you've both forgotten to give a family member a card/gift/text

Luckyingame · 21/04/2026 16:15

audhdandme · 21/04/2026 12:19

Same here. I have always let my Dh deal with it himself and he always does

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This.
Like hell would I sort out cards for his family. It was never suggested, neither was it expected.
Boundaries.

MovingBird123 · 21/04/2026 16:16

Denim4ever · 21/04/2026 16:14

With family birthdays I don't think it's a his and hers thing. You both need to remember and if it's forgotten you've both forgotten to give a family member a card/gift/text

I like this attitude, perhaps I should try to move towards this...

Shmee1988 · 21/04/2026 16:17

I do tend to be the one to do it, but I see them as my family too.

Luckyingame · 21/04/2026 16:18

G5000 · 21/04/2026 12:23

Patriarchy. Misogyny. Because women are supposed to take over all that kind of kin-keeping activities and make sure their husband is not bothered by such trivial stuff. Trivial, but very clearly expected and she (not he) will be judged as a lacking wife, if she doesn't perform her wifework well enough.

I would never judge another woman myself, but I do not believe claims that this is not a thing and people have not encountered such expectations. When we got married, MIL gave me a calendar with all their massive extended family's birthdays and other events. I handed it to DH, but the expectation was definitely there.

I'd probably stare at the calendar, not knowing wtf is going on 😁

InterIgnis · 21/04/2026 16:21

I have zero interest in being the ‘emotional epicenter’’ and taking on emotional labor, by virtue of being a woman. I’m not naturally inclined to it anyway, so it’s just not like I’m going against my nature by refusing to do something I’d otherwise do.

I do think some women get pissed off at other women not performing womanhood in the way they deem correct. If they do it and like it then other women should to. If they do it despite not liking it, then other women should suck it up, stop shirking their duty, and do it too.

Original poster
saynooo · 21/04/2026 16:22

Shmee1988 · 21/04/2026 16:17

I do tend to be the one to do it, but I see them as my family too.

Funny how many men do not seem to think this way and take over the card and gift giving.....

OP posts:
MaturingCheeseball · 21/04/2026 16:25

I think mil would have been most peeved to have received a card written by me. I don’t think I ever bought her a present, either…. Oh yes, I did. She mentioned a book she’d loved as a child, so I tracked it down - right edition and all. But on Christmas Day she said in a stage whisper to fil, “Why has MaturingCheeseball got me a book from a charity shop ?” ☹️

If your in-laws are nice would posters on here still refuse to lend a hand with presents/cards? I suspect that those who do have decent kind relatives-in-law are not on here!

YummyPieCrust · 21/04/2026 16:26

JHound · 21/04/2026 16:09

Yes. It’s asking why women blame other women for men not performing emotional labour for their families. You can knock the chip off your shoulder. It’s not a thread criticising men but rather women’s behaviour.

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Take your own advice, buttercup. I don't need you for reading comprehension but thanks for the volunteer work. Now move along.

Motheranddaughter · 21/04/2026 16:26

I never get involved in presents for my DH’s family and if anyone is annoyed about it that information has not reached me
Not that I would care !

ohyesohyesoh · 21/04/2026 16:31

I’ve never done this for my partner. I may suggest things that might be appropriate but I won’t go and buy them ( or cards). Partners family is small, mine is bloody huge.it annoys me when SIL sorts out a present to MIL and just gets DH to pay towards it. Makes him lazy

Pinkflowers19 · 21/04/2026 16:32

I don't understand if a gift isn't sorted then blame isn't split equally. Assuming the in laws also buy a personal gift for dil birthday and Christmas then why shouldn't dil participate in returning the thought if she accepted a gift for her birthday. Should be a shared thought/task imo.

If someone bought be a gift I would want to recipicrate regardless of who's family or friends they were.

Just to add both dhs parents sadly passed away before we met and did is still only young so I'm not talking from personal experiences.

Swissmeringue · 21/04/2026 16:32

I nipped this shit in the bud as soon as we got married. DH is 100% responsible for gifts for his family, it his mum doesn't get flowers on mother's day that's on him, not me. We have a shared spreadsheet for Christmas but other than that he sorts his family and I sort mine.

G5000 · 21/04/2026 17:07

Denim4ever · 21/04/2026 16:14

With family birthdays I don't think it's a his and hers thing. You both need to remember and if it's forgotten you've both forgotten to give a family member a card/gift/text

Except that nobody has ever asked a man why he didn't remind his wife it's her mother's birthday,.and why didn't he buy a gift and card for his MIL and sign for both of them...

Denim4ever · 21/04/2026 17:09

G5000 · 21/04/2026 17:07

Except that nobody has ever asked a man why he didn't remind his wife it's her mother's birthday,.and why didn't he buy a gift and card for his MIL and sign for both of them...

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Granted this is often the way things are, but they aren't always

LadyTable · 21/04/2026 17:13

Itchthescratch · 21/04/2026 14:24

If it's that easy and so effortless then what is this thread about? It obviously isn't. I spent a good 15 minutes choosing a thoughtful card for a friend and have spent hours researching gifts.

As a parent of children, I am sick of relatives coming to me asking me to source their gifts for my children under the guise that I know what they want better. It all takes effort and mental space and to add it to the mental load of a parent that's got a job and childcare to manage on top of all the other birthday presents and parties etc that come with children's parties is pretty thoughtless if you're sat there with loads more time on your hands and in a great position to facilitate it for your spouse.

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If it's that easy and so effortless then what is this thread about?

This thread is about women refusing to break the cycle.

Refusing to tell their partners that this is not their remit, and quite frankly setting a poor example to their sons and daughters.

muggart · 21/04/2026 17:28

I sat through an excruciating Christmas once when my in-laws flew over from abroad to be with us. I had actually prompted DH a few days before “hey, do you think theyre going to want to exchange presents?” but aside from that left it with him.

he did nothing, not even say to his parents “lets not do presents this year” which would have been the easiest way out but heyho.

christmas day came and they grandly gifted us something and heaps of stuff for our DC, which we duly opened. dh still said nothing. then, when it was our turn to give them our non-existent present, there was the awkwardest of silences before DH blurted out “well we didn’t get anything for you, but it was my fault not muggart’s!”

alls well that ends well though because now nobody does gifts or cards and it’s much easier this way.

Shmee1988 · 21/04/2026 17:36

saynooo · 21/04/2026 16:22

Funny how many men do not seem to think this way and take over the card and gift giving.....

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You're not wrong. But my dp works 6 days a week and on the 1 day he has offered he has the dc all day. I work 3 days a week and have much more spare time to get these things organised. Its just the way we do things.

BashfulClam · 21/04/2026 17:42

Never had this. His family are his business and mine are my business.

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