to wonder why women get blamed by other women if they don’t get gifts for their DH’s family?

[saynooo]

I see this a lot.

If a woman doesn’t get a birthday card or gift for her DH’s family, it somehow becomes her fault. Women will start saying she should have reminded him, sorted something out, got a gift on his behalf, dropped hints, basically managed the whole thing.

Why though?

They are his family. If he hasn’t bothered, how does that land on her?

You just know someone will come on and say well I would have just sent a card because I wouldn’t want Granny Mabel or MIL getting upset. Or the ones who say I wouldn’t do it myself but I would remind him a million times.

Then there are the ones who say they love doing it because he is so busy.

But that is still the same thing, just dressed up differently. You are still managing it for him. You are still the one carrying the mental load so he does not have to think about it.

All that does is keep the whole cycle going. He forgets, she prompts, and then everyone acts like he has done his bit.

Thread is about why women are blamed by other women.

It's women's perspective that the OP is interested in.

That's my perspective. Are you bored today?

I have never taken on this ‘role’ why would I? I would like to hope that my partner loved and respected his family enough to do it, I don’t know when their birthdays are and didn’t/dont know them like he does. In my case he never bothered, that’s on him. Why I would I be embarrassed, embarrassed for him maybe, that he’s so crap but not for myself.

I’m always amazed how other women expect women to do this stuff as if it’s in some job description somewhere. The poor menz can’t be expected to actually think of other people and remember these things, they’re too busy doing their big important jobs, organising cycling/golf weekends and looking after themselves. They always expect a big fuss on their birthdays though!

Your perspective is to make it all about NAMALT. Yawn.

I do think some people’s aim is to make their partners into flatmates, rather than, you know partners . All this “Who knows and who cares when mil’s birthday is?” is unfriendly at best and verging on hostile at worst.

fwiw dh does all the present buying and wrapping, and I do (or did - really cut back now) cards. So I got the better half of the bargain!

I didnt do this my husband was a grown up. We don't really buy presents for adults at christmas, just partners. My PIL didnt like me much I didnt like them all very polite had them christmas easter kept it civilised. So much drama now. If your husband expects you to carry him, bin him and marry grown up.

He can afford to drop the ball because a woman reminded him and then helped.

Here is your 'exaggeration of the year' MN badge.

Well done 🏆

Even this is just bonkers to me. All that effort in reminding, reminding, reminding and then helping, helping, helping.

I think if I wasn't arranging anything for someone's birthday, and didn't want all that stress, asking them about their birthday was an unwise move.

Awesome! thanks!

A woman still had to step in with the constant reminders to help the menz get it together.

The DH is still called a 'good' man.

I have never made such an assumption. Who are you basing this on? People you know IRL? They sound a bit dim.

Because sexism, misogyny, patriarchy…need I go on! 🤦‍♀️

When I was married I did all of the gift buying for everyone in both of our families. My husband had other responsibilities and things that I didn't do and that's just how we arranged it. I enjoy buying gifts so it wasn't really a problem for me.

Having said that, I can't imagine caring how other families choose to do things. I'm sure that there are some families that do things the same way that my husband and I did. I'm sure that there are some families that one partner buys for their own family members and the other partner buys for their own family members. There's really no right or wrong.

She didn't "have to" do anything. That's the bit I find bonkers.

My mother did this, so when I married back in the dark ages (1980) I did the same because that's how I was brought up, so I didn't question it then. I always thought it was an age thing, but reading some of the comments on here, I realise that it wasn't, must just have been our family.

He would ring to ask what they would like - but always after I prompted him and pointed out that the date was imminent. He would even go shopping to buy the present (he liked shopping, and of course it meant he got to go round town while I did the housework). I would usually buy the card - unless I hadn't had chance in which case I would tell him to. I think he really thought he was doing it himself. Then one year we left a present for his aunt at his parents' house and I don't know why, but they didn't pass it on and she wrote such an awful letter to him, saying that Vexed always sent a present but this time hadn't bothered, so she wasn't going to buy presents for us or the children in future. Vexed had forgotten!! It didn't even strike him as wrong until he saw my face and I said - she isn't even my aunt, how would you feel if my aunt blamed you?

It was only after we divorced that his family realised they weren't getting cards or presents any more - well I did send some to the children at Christmas for a while because they were children and I was fond of them, but I stopped as soon as they were 18.

It is in our family!

MIL expected me to do it. DH forgot their wedding anniversary one year and she raised it with ME!! I passed the phone to DH.

I remind DS when it’s family birthdays. I just cannot imagine telling his GF! And my DB looks after all our side. I stopped doing DH’s side except for the DC a while ago. Each year I wonder when he’ll remember his DM’s, but usually PIL say something so it’s only got to the emergency present buying point a couple of times.

I don't exactly disagree with you, but... I am the one who is shit at birthdays in my family. DH is the one who knows when they are and reminds me to do cards etc. Buys everything for his side of the family.

So speaking as someone who's rubbish at it (but who is excellent at practical tasks that help people, like decorating houses, cooking etc), I don't think that there's a one size fits all explanation.

Women can be sexist too. And it’s easier to blame a woman than to hold a man accountable.

I will say - I mainly come across this attitude from older women say my mom’s age (in her sixties). She absolutely blamed one of my SILs when my brother neglected to get her a birthday card. But then her husband doesn’t know how to use the washing machine so they have a fairly traditional set-up.

Me choosing not to do my partner’s emotional labour is not me “behaving like a man”.

My now ex mil brings cards for exh to sign, addressed and with a stamp, then takes them away to post. Fucking ridiculous imo.

So why would they be angry at her and not themselves? Her sons can also remind their father can they not?

Why be angry at somebody for doing exactly what you yourself are not doing?

Because once upon a time men worked hard in their important jobs while women had babies and tended to the home. But women wanted to work too and
fought hard for equality and independence. Men accepted women in the workplace (obviously with some misogyny, sexual harassment and sexism mixed in) but rejected the idea that men should pick up any of the wifey jobs

My ex mother in law. I still don’t send her a thing. He was always responsible for gifts and cards. She thinks due to separation I should be doing this now. Nope dad can collect his children and sort his mother out himself. She rarely received a thing. He didn’t do anything for my family not that I expected him to. Why do I become responsible for his family?