to wonder why women get blamed by other women if they don’t get gifts for their DH’s family?

[saynooo]

I see this a lot.

If a woman doesn’t get a birthday card or gift for her DH’s family, it somehow becomes her fault. Women will start saying she should have reminded him, sorted something out, got a gift on his behalf, dropped hints, basically managed the whole thing.

Why though?

They are his family. If he hasn’t bothered, how does that land on her?

You just know someone will come on and say well I would have just sent a card because I wouldn’t want Granny Mabel or MIL getting upset. Or the ones who say I wouldn’t do it myself but I would remind him a million times.

Then there are the ones who say they love doing it because he is so busy.

But that is still the same thing, just dressed up differently. You are still managing it for him. You are still the one carrying the mental load so he does not have to think about it.

All that does is keep the whole cycle going. He forgets, she prompts, and then everyone acts like he has done his bit.

This is it. It depends on circumstances and who has more time to think about that sort of thing. I always bought cards and gifts for my late DH's family and I didn't mind because I loved them. But then he did things for me that I couldn't or didn't want to do. We've all got weaknesses and hopefully we find a partner who helps us with ours.

Yep!!! Exactly!!! I told him how ridiculous it was that I'd been "reminding" him since bloody Christmas and he left it to the last minute, which may never have happened had I not kept on at him.

Edited to add: he would have got her all the presents, but the restaurant with wider family and friends would have been either vastly scaled back or much less than what she was expecting as that would have been left to a week before (when availability for 22 people would have not been as readily bookable) rather than just less than a month before so he was able to secure a nice place.

This is it. It depends on circumstances and who has more time to think about that sort of thing.

But other people won't know your personal circumstances, who works more or what one does for the other. For general society, kinkeeping is still wifework and women are blamed and judged if birthdays are forgotten, restraurants not booked, gifts not sent to husband's relatives.
Just look at the examples on this thread. It would never occur to me to complain that BIL didn't send my children presents and DH would not feel responsible for reminding I need to book something for my mother's birthday. And nobody would expect them to either.

100% identify with this. I do this for him because I feel it smoothes things socially for the whole family and u guess id feel embarrassed by association

I had to buy my waste of space XH's presents for his family, and pay for them (including for myself), and wrap them, and send them.

I now have the most wonderful husband who used to stress hugely when it came to buying presents and hence used to leave it to the last minute or just put it off completely. It's not that he didn't want to do it, he was worried about getting it wrong. So I started reminding him quite a long time beforehand and suggesting that he asks what people want etc. and he now does it nearly all himself. I usually wrap things because I like doing it, he is rubbish at it and he is really appreciative. And I occasionally have to remind him actually to send something so it arrives on time, but that is mainly because the post is taking so much longer nowadays. He sent his grandson's birthday card first class on Tuesday, for example, and it hadn't arrived by his birthday on Saturday.

So although I used to help my DH with his family's presents a little, I now have very little input. I think there is a big difference between helping somebody to do something themselves, and doing the thing for them.

YANBU. I have historically always bought all our in laws Xmas/bday presents -his parents, siblings, nieces and nephews. I’ve been too busy in the last couple of years to remember for the adults and he hasn’t picked up the slack. Slowly I’ve found any cards or gifts for me have dried up in response. His keep on coming though.

Do you really think that because mums would facilitate/help their children to send a card or gift to a relative, they should also do the same for their husbands/partners?

That is just infantalising and cosseting an adult male who has the same capacity and capability to remember his own family's birthdays and other special occasions but expects to be babied and supported to do these simple tasks by his female relations, normally wives and partners.

I’ve come across women doing it for their husbands, but not come across other women reacting that way to women who don’t.

I let my MIL and his three sisters know that I always wish them well on their birthdays/events etc, but I wouldn’t be helping their son/brother in cards or gift giving, and if they weren’t receiving anything then to take it up with him. They said fair enough!

Does that work the other way round though? How many men do you know who solely organise cards and gifts for their wife’s relatives just because they get gifts from them?

Zero for me.

I have never come across this. During the early years of our relationship I used to buy cards and presents for DHs family. One year my mum asked me why I was buying for his family and it suddenly occurred to me, why the hell was I? So I told DH to buy his own stuff for his family and he has ever since (he will still say occasionally have you brought something for my mum/sister but I just give him the look).
If anyone did say anything I'd ask why they didn't marry an adult. Is it older women who say this?; The ones who were raised with the idea that men just went to work and didn't do anything at home?

Isn't there a point at which the relationship with in-laws is your own, independent of your spouse to some extent? If they are decent people who are good to you, why wouldn't you want to buy them a birthday present, as you might do for a good colleague at work or a friend? I think doing this or not, might hinge on the relationship. Agree it's not the woman's default job and any man who doesn't acknowledge his nice mum and dad's birthday is a shit human.

I also feel impatient with women who complain about this supposed societal pressure to do ridiculous things like this, yet do it anyway. Resisting societal pressure isn't something anyone's going to do for you. At some point you have to stop being a wet lettuce and do the resisting yourself.

This. So many times, this. Women are their own worst enemy with this. It drives me bonkers.

Luckily we don't give gifts to anyone so that's a massive problem solved! Only dh's gc and he is responsible for those.

This is crazy! Wouldn't you facilitate a child to send a card or gift to a relative?

My husband is not my child. But he is also responsible for organising his family's contacts with our children, and I do my side.

Nope, not my problem. DH has always sorted his side of the family, or forgotten at times. My Mil assumed I would do it all but soon realised I didn't have that attitude.

The nearest I might get is if I'm doing an online card order. If DH is nearby I might ask if he wants to add any to the list.

and this is a lot wider topic, but I have always thought that the 'blue jobs' and 'pink jobs' are a total con. So you both have your roles, he does the bins and you do..everything else? Oh no wait, he also put a shelf up 5 years ago and once a year may take car for servicing? While you do 1000 things all day every single day?

They are his family. If he hasn’t bothered, how does that land on her?

You're absolutely right, it's just the the society believes that once the woman is married her parter's family becomes her family as well so she needs to step up there as well. Somehow that doesn't apply to men and no one really expects them to step up and help with wife's family matters. This is wrong on so many levels but many people really do have this mentality and would look at you funny if you ever mention how unfair these expectations (or lack of them) are.

I'd say pick your battles. Fully grown adults don't need personal managers to remind them of things that are important to them and that's what I stick to. I don't take care of gifts for DH's family, I can throw a quick smartshow 3d birthday video together at most if it's a big birthday but the main gifts are always on him and the gifts for my family are always on me. It's only logical imo as we know our relatives' likes and dislikes better anyway.

How much would this work the other way round? For the man to start taking over his wife's family's birthdays etc because they are important to him?

The value of occasional jobs is higher than the boring jobs that need to be done everyday to keep a household ticking along.

Why would you feel embarrassed by association? He is the one who does not care about his DM or DF's birthday etc.

@saynoootbf my dh does a lot for my family. He might not choose birthday presents but he'll drive them to and from the airport (a few hours each way), has taken my dad to hospital appts and to A&E in the middle of the night and waited with him for hours.
We didn't do 'his' and 'mine' when it came to this kind of thing.

Completely my experience too. I see a lot about this type of thing on social media but never in real life

Nope. The analogy has been taken out of context. The husband in this scenario that was being discussed has health issues which meant he couldn't remember his family's birthday. So actually he doesn't have the same capacity or capability. This is hugely significant. Many spouses of disabled or sick partners do an awful lot for their partners that an able bodied, completely well adult would be expected to do themselves. They do it out of compassion and kindness. We are getting to a really dark place as a society when we can't acknowledge this and instead seek to shame the spouse for doing this in case it somehow exacerbates some larger gender issue.

Been there,done that. My ex-husbands family always held me responsible for card and gift buying at Christmas and birthdays. Now I'm witnessing the same thing happening with my DD and her MIL.

The husband had adult DC who could easily do the task for him rather than the step mum.