to wonder why women get blamed by other women if they don’t get gifts for their DH’s family?

[saynooo]

I see this a lot.

If a woman doesn’t get a birthday card or gift for her DH’s family, it somehow becomes her fault. Women will start saying she should have reminded him, sorted something out, got a gift on his behalf, dropped hints, basically managed the whole thing.

Why though?

They are his family. If he hasn’t bothered, how does that land on her?

You just know someone will come on and say well I would have just sent a card because I wouldn’t want Granny Mabel or MIL getting upset. Or the ones who say I wouldn’t do it myself but I would remind him a million times.

Then there are the ones who say they love doing it because he is so busy.

But that is still the same thing, just dressed up differently. You are still managing it for him. You are still the one carrying the mental load so he does not have to think about it.

All that does is keep the whole cycle going. He forgets, she prompts, and then everyone acts like he has done his bit.

Me and DP both like buying presents for people. Since we got together I've tend be more involved in his mum and sisters gifts as I know what they are into and he's more involved in my brother's gifts as he gets what there into. I'd say it's pretty equally divided

Because your post was a long winded justification of women picking up jobs men can easily do for themselves just because “women”.

No amount of find words or prettying up will make buying your DH’s family cards and gifts anything other than doing his family maintenance for him.

I said to my DH when I backed off from it all - when we got married what admin did you unconsciously agree to take on that's purely related to my family? None, because men aren't expected to.

I genuinely don't understand how taking on admin unconsciously is even possible. Surely it was a conscious choice the first time you went out of your way to do something you hadn't done before. Not taking it on can be unconscious, as it was for me - it simply never crossed my mind to take on DP's family admin. Just why.

You can't control who blames you for whatever stupid, unreasonable thing they've decided is your fault.

All women can control their reaction to it, though (and whether they do the stupid thing at all).

I just don't see why I'd place any importance on what someone like that thought of me? I couldn't take them seriously at all.

Because sometimes it's easier for the spouse to step in than an adult child? Especially if the spouse is retired so has lots more time, lives with the ill person and best placed to assist. It's a kind thing to do and shouldn't be gendered. My grandad did it for my grandma.

I agree that the thread is meant to be about a more general expectation on women which is different to these more exceptional cases where compassion and kindness are important as someone isn't capable of doing something themselves.

No it wasn't. I clearly stated that being the emotional epicentre occurs even when all practical work and childcare etc is split equitably.

It's a role which comes with some responsibility of course but also a lot of power and control in a family unit. In many ways it's a privilege and so important. It's absolutely not the same as being a dogs body and or a domestic/childcare drudge.

Oh come on.

You don't even have to leave the house to order a gift or send a card.

People are quite capable of doing it before retirement.

I don't get 'blamed' but historically, I think there was an expectation that I would do all my H family birthdays & Christmas etc. from his side of the family, anyway I stopped doing it about 8 years ago and told him it's his family, his responsibility....he then goes and gets a card for his mums' birthday; one that me and the kids would all sign, with 'Happy Birthday Mum' on it......I refused to sign it as she's not my mum and she's the kids GM ffs! He'd left it late of course, so had to go off scrabbling around Tesco at 9pm to get another one.
It's on him if he forgets or is late - not my problem.

Coming at it from the other side… I have a sil who has clearly signed up to the MN Rule Book, ie she does not have any involvement, admin or otherwise, with bil’s side of the family. So, ok, bil is to blame, but it is a bit sad that the dcs have never received birthday presents/cards from them - when I know sil is big on things for her side. It just seems rather cold for the sake of a principle.

I never quite understand the arguments about this on here.
DH mows the lawns. I can't actually do it - the lawns are large, sloped and bumpy and the petrol mower very heavy. He fixes the cars - something else I can't do. He sorts the bins - could do that one be would rather not ! I could go on. Are those gendered jobs? Yes probably but for good reasons. He does the jobs he does best and I do others like cards and presents. Do I feel hard done to? Not at all.
I also iron his shirts and cook his meals.😲 That's because I work part time. Again there is a reason the jobs are split the way they are.

You are being harsher on SIL than BIL.

You are saying SIL should do it because she is on big on her side and how the DCs miss out.

BIL gets a short line saying he is to blame.

I’m genuinely interested to know - those of you who have decided not to buy for PILs etc and know your husbands are rubbish at remembering - do you get presents FROM your PILs? As in, do they buy you a birthday gift even though you know they aren’t receiving one from you and DH? If you do, don’t you feel a bit embarrassed??

Many years ago I was very busy at work when a woman I was friendly with phoned me in a state . She was unwell and unable to go out to buy a birthday gift for her MIL . Could I go out at lunchtime and buy a gift , card and wrapping paper .
I asked why her DH couldn’t do it and she was shocked at the suggestion . Apparently he liked to relax during his lunch break !
I refused .

Never experienced this!

I remember being taken to task by ex mil
because her son forgot to send her a birthday card. Now DH looks after all this for his family, rightly so.

I wonder if the men get embarrassed?

Completely agree. I frequently see women judging other women if birthdays have been forgotten. Example- my brother forgot my birthday. My mother commented to me that my brothers wife should have reminded him!!! You can imagine my response to that 🙄

No its not a privilege to be the dogsbody maintaining someone else’s family relationships. Its their responsibility.

Dressing it up and pretending it brings “power” doesn’t change that. I never wanted to procure “power” to manipulate those family relationships by dogsbodying - that sounds remarkably unhealthy as a family dynamic.

It's utterly ridiculous and frustrating, and I say that as someone with a fairly switched on DH!

Case in point, it was his mother's birthday last month, it was a milestone birthday, I'd said to him after Christmas to think about getting things organised for his mum, to get him and his brother to figure out a plan between them on what to do.

Time marches on, I mention it again mid January, he replies yes, yes, I'm getting presents sorted etc, I'll do it. Ok then. I say again, it's a milestone birthday so you'll need to sort something like a meal out, arrange that, he says yes, yes, I'll sort out.

Gets to the Feb break, we are away for a few days with his mum and my dad, I mention to her casually when it's just her and I if she is looking forward to her birthday and what she'd like to do? She absolutely hammers into me, what do you mean, I thought you were arranging it?!!! I say, uhm, no it's up to your son's (DH and his brother). She then goes quiet and I think, oh FFS.

So I reiterate AGAIN to DH when we are alone, you really need to get your shit together, your mum's expecting a big thing, you've not even bought presents yet FFS, you need to book a restaurant, invite wider family, friends she wants etc, you need to do it now. DH panics and goes, oh she wants something?! YES!!!!!

He then messages his brother who predictably has also given it zero thought (his brother being single and living with his mum btw, so it's not like he doesn't have spare time or inclination).

With my help, they get a restaurant booked, they invite all the main friends/extended family and everything is sorted and MIL is happy, gets a nice meal out, lovely presents and is delighted. DH is apologetic to me and I think, well if I hadn't said anything, what would you have done? It's basic. It's so fucking basic. And he is, generally, a good man and agrees and is understanding of all the bullshit to do with patriarchy and social expectations of women. Yet he still dropped the ball. I honestly despair.

If it's that easy and so effortless then what is this thread about? It obviously isn't. I spent a good 15 minutes choosing a thoughtful card for a friend and have spent hours researching gifts.

As a parent of children, I am sick of relatives coming to me asking me to source their gifts for my children under the guise that I know what they want better. It all takes effort and mental space and to add it to the mental load of a parent that's got a job and childcare to manage on top of all the other birthday presents and parties etc that come with children's parties is pretty thoughtless if you're sat there with loads more time on your hands and in a great position to facilitate it for your spouse.

I will quote my initial post as you obviously haven't read it properly:

On the one hand, of course you're not responsible for sending your partner's relatives gifts or cards. That's crazy! They are his family

So, ok, bil is to blame, but it is a bit sad that the dcs have never received birthday presents/cards from them

Your dc? Do you buy for their dc?

Because men are disgusting, thoughtless, selfish, evil pricks sent here to destroy everything they touch including our mental health, self esteem, individuality and independence.

Here's your "I hate men for every reason and no reason at all" MN badge.

Except the title of the thread is 'why women get blamed by other women'.

Clue is in the name.

Except goes on to ask why men aren't blamed.

Clue: read passed the title. Did you get this far on this response? lol