AIBU to refuse a friend £4k without knowing what it is for?

[rainershine22]

My friend asked me to borrow a large sum of money. (£4k).

He wouldn't say what it is for, but claimed he can't get help anywhere else (such as banks/loans etc...) which is obviously already a red flag.

I asked if everything was ok in his life and what was going on... but he didn't want to divulge too much and was just said he had 'cashflow issues'. I know his two children and he alluded to it being something related to them - but not much more...?!

I declined to give him anything/said no - but he's messaged again today AM asking me to reconsider. He clearly sounds desperate, but AIBU in still saying no?

I wouldn't ignore him.

Speak to him again and either ask him to explain in detail what he needs the money for, or make it clear that you don't have £4000 spare to lend him, or don't want to lend money.

Is £4k loose change to you?

totally and completely yanbu for so many reasons

I would not lend money to anyone unless I was 100 percent sure that I would be able to manage if they never paid it back. I have lent money to friends and I have always been paid back but my starting point is, can I manage without this money? I would be less fussed about what it was for because realistically somebody could lie about the reason if they wanted to - although if they said it was to go on a cruise I'd be a bit miffed.
However he asked and you have answered several times and the fact that he is still pestering you is completely out of order. It would appear he has probably exhausted all other avenues If he's asking you who he hasn't seen for over a year.

The only time a friend of ours has asked to borrow money it seemed dodgy. He had a lot of close family and hasn’t told his wife. We were basically worried he’d cocked up something within his business and was too ashamed to admit it at home. We said no immediately. Something didn’t ring quite right and either he was not telling family (ergo he’d really fucked up) or he’d already borrowed off them and that line of support had dried up. Either way we weren’t willing to risk our own savings.

It's awful behaviour as a friend to keep pressing you like this after multiple refusals.

From someone who lent a large sum to family no less, who then spent 7 years trying to get it back, just don’t do it. It’s your money and you are not responsible for anyone else’s debt.

So really he's just scamming you. A scammer who you know personally but a scammer nonetheless. If you want to be taken for a mug then chuck some money at him but if you want to retain your dignity then say no.

If he's so desperate I would advise him to take his kids out of private education and send them to state school. That would save more than he's asking for.

Personally, I wouldn't be lending anyone (friend or not) that kind of money, even if I did know the reason. It's funny how these friends can drop off your radar when it comes to paying you back.

Why bother speaking to him to reiterate what he has already communicated - that he cannot lend him the money. I absolutely would ignore. OP has said no. He doesn’t need to understand what it is for to say no again. He doesn’t need to justify why he can’t or won’t lend it. The fact that the friend wasn’t transparent as to why he needed it, is enough data to infer that he is unlikely to repay it.

Ignore. Ignore, ignore.

Wont divulge the reason but wants you to divulge 4K! That's a lot of money. Don't do it.

So he’s not even a close friend anymore, or someone you see regularly. I guess all his other friends have turned him down, but that’s still not a good reason for you to pay. You’re probably right in that he sees you a a single, solvent, rich lady, but even then, you’re under no obligation to donate the money.

Continue to ignore him, and ignore any sob stories.

From bitter experience, I know that lending money to friends means two things - you'll lose some or all of the money, and you'll definitely lose the friend. Banks are the place to go for a loan.

I would assume it's a gambling/drug debt I would only give it to him of you considered it a gift , because he will not be paying this back

I’ve lent friends money before. Sometimes they’ve not paid it back, but I kinda knew they’d probably do that. The others HAVE paid it back. I’ve never regretted any of it. But I’ve always known why they needed it. They know I wouldn’t judge them. You say that he asked over the phone, I would ask him to meet up for a coffee so you can talk about whatever is bothering him. But if you don’t have the money, it’s academic anyway.

Not always.

Well he's the one who wont actually talk about it (other than just asking for cash.)
I'd just ignore him. Its somewhat disrespectful of him to keep bringing it up.

He's being unreasonable asking for money in the first place. And he's no longer a friend.

He can't get a loan so it's unlikely you would be repaid. He won't tell you what it's for so it's probably shady. He's hitting you up for money because he's going down a list and everyone else has said no. When you say no, he'll hit up somebody else.

You'd be foolish to give him any money.

Have you actually met this friend irl? Or online only?

Please, please, please, do NOT lend this person money. I can almost guarantee you will never see it again. The mere fact that you have it to lend makes these people think you can afford to give it away. I know this from bitter experience. Please don't do it.

Because perhaps he is desperate and although the OP doesn't want to lend him money, he could benefit from talking to a friend?!?!

It's not only that you won't see it back, but also that you'll be asked again.

So friend came to someone he has not seen since 2024 to ask for money, not advice or support? You don’t think he hasn’t worked his way through every family member and actual close mate before reaching out to OP?

If they were close, obviously offer a pint and a shoulder to cry on, but after this long and absence with no real deep friendship? No.

Yanbu. If your friendship isn't close enough that he can tell you what it's for then it's not close enough for you to give him that kind of money. The most likely scenario is that he doesn't want to tell you because it would mean you are facilitating him doing something that you wouldn't want to be a party to. If banks won't lend to him it's because he doesn't have a realistic prospect of paying it back so it's more likely to be an unwilling gift rather than a loan.

The reasonable pathway to getting a loan is to be clear what it's for and fully disclose all the financial circumstances for why the loan is needed and how the paying back will be managed, and whether that is realistic.

"I need £4000 to buy a car so I can accept a job offer that's going to put £250 extra in my pocket every month so I can pay you back £200 per month for 22 months" is reasonable. "I lost all my money gambling but if you give me £4000 my luck will turn and I'll win back what I lost and pay you back from the winnings" isn't and the only person with the right to judge is the owner of the money ie you.