AIBU to refuse a friend £4k without knowing what it is for?

[rainershine22]

My friend asked me to borrow a large sum of money. (£4k).

He wouldn't say what it is for, but claimed he can't get help anywhere else (such as banks/loans etc...) which is obviously already a red flag.

I asked if everything was ok in his life and what was going on... but he didn't want to divulge too much and was just said he had 'cashflow issues'. I know his two children and he alluded to it being something related to them - but not much more...?!

I declined to give him anything/said no - but he's messaged again today AM asking me to reconsider. He clearly sounds desperate, but AIBU in still saying no?

He could lie about the reason anyway. You haven't seen him for two years. I'd block him if he persists.

It's £4K you can kiss goodbye to, you'll never get it back.

what a grifter.

I suspect he's going through his contacts list and has asked others for money as well...

Stand firm, OP. Block him if you have to.

I'm suspecting he has an addiction.
We have a close friend that has been doing this to old friends - calling them up for loans and never paying them back.

No, I wouldn't lend it. I'm still waiting for £5K from a 'friend' due to be paid back 6 years ago. Similarly the reasons were vague and then had additional wow is me bullshit layered on top. Had the brass neck to ask me for another £1k earlier this year 😂

I have lent money to another friend in the past. None of the smoke and mirrors. Clear request, with a clear reason and a date to pay back which was adhered to. Never borrowed off me again.

Embrace your Spidey senses. If it looks like shit and sounds like shit. It's obviously a crock of shit.

Does HE have private school fees to pay?

Like all the others posters say, you are doing the right thing. Never loan money you are not willing to loose.

Never loan money. Either give as a gift or not at all. Only you can make a judgement about whether you think a gift of that sum is worthwhile and how you would feel later if you'd found out it was used for drugs / gambling or just to pay the mortgage to keep a roof over his head. I think the fact he can't even explain why he needs it would make if a no from me. There are some people in my life who I would give a large sum of money to but not many.

Don't lend money to friends.

I would simply end this by saying ‘Sorry I don’t have much by way of savings, with living in London …..’. That way there’s no ongoing challenge, whatever you decide do not lend the money.

He's not a friend now. He's an aquaintance you haven't even seen for 2 years who called out of the blue harassing you for thousands of £££s and isn't taking no for an answer. He feels entitled to your money. That's an asshole.

He's used up his closer friends and family. If he's calling you multiple times or gets huffy or angry, it might be time to tell him if he contacts you again for money you'll report him for harassment. This friend is no loss, sorry.

100% this. Probably already in debt with close friends and family so he’s trying his luck.

Message him saying you won’t be lending him money and please stop asking as this could be considered harassment,

Do not lend this money you will regret it.

I agree with everyone else who feels the his secrecy and lack of options from bank etc suggest he is in no position to repay you.

Last time I saw him was in Summer 2024 at a mutual friend's wedding.

This makes me think he has already borrowed from or asked loads of other friends and is now working his way through people he sees less frequently. In other words, owes a lot already.

There is reason there is a saying 'Never a borrower or a lender be' . It rarely ends well.

He is behaving very strangely then - to the point that I would be very concerned about him.

1. asking for money from someone he isn’t super close with
2. asking for an objectively fairly large sum of money
3. not being able to tell you what it’s for
4. continuing to hassle you about it after you have said no

This is way beyond CF territory. If anyone I knew was acting this way I’d be thinking some sort of addiction or criminal issue and getting in touch with their partner or close mutual friends - not to tattle tale, but to safeguard them.

absolutely not! Don’t lend him. It’s it’s for something genuine they’d tell you. Chances are it’s gambling or something similar.

Not sure if you’re still reading replies and/or whether someone has already said this, but a (long term but not especially close) friend of my dad’s asked him for money out of the blue and it turned out she was the victim of a romance scam. She had already sent her family’s life savings to the scammer and was getting increasingly desperate, hence why she started asking people outside of her immediate circle of family and friends.

Nothing to say here except for NO.

You really should just block him. He is going to pressure you endlessly if he thinks you are likely to give in.
Might turn up with flowers and chocolates to persuade you ( and two tickets to the cinema).
Anything he does will be with a view to getting money off you.
He's seeing you as an easy target.
Single.
No kids.
Money in the bank . ... He cant wait to get his hands on it.
He will wrangle you for less and then double it.
Maybe even take things from your home to sell.
Maybe he's a secret crack addict on the slippery slope to hell.
Suggest rehab! Or better still stop replying to his calls and texts.

Honestly if he keeps harassing you I’d block him. Awful behaviour from him.

Wouldn’t matter if you have the money or not @rainershine22 just keep saying ‘no’.

Yes, this. You do not need to justify yourself. But honestly I’d just block him.

He's not asking for a loan, he's asking for a bailout. Up to you though isn't it? I've given away money before (no don't ask 🤣) because I am terrible at saying no to people and feel sorry for them no matter what trouble they're in.

Out of the blue request = exhausted all other channels due to not paying back = lifestyle choice poor imo

She has already told him no repeatedly.

Being terrible at saying no isn’t funny.