AIBU to refuse a friend £4k without knowing what it is for?

[rainershine22]

My friend asked me to borrow a large sum of money. (£4k).

He wouldn't say what it is for, but claimed he can't get help anywhere else (such as banks/loans etc...) which is obviously already a red flag.

I asked if everything was ok in his life and what was going on... but he didn't want to divulge too much and was just said he had 'cashflow issues'. I know his two children and he alluded to it being something related to them - but not much more...?!

I declined to give him anything/said no - but he's messaged again today AM asking me to reconsider. He clearly sounds desperate, but AIBU in still saying no?

I have 2 occasions lent large sums to two different "best" friends, on both occasions I had to ask for the money back after waiting for years !, No mention of interest !! I will never do it again

I would struggle to trust him with that amount of money, if he couldn't trust me with the reason he needed it.

OP, he’s trying it on, and trying subtly to guilt you into it, by implying it’s something to do with his DC, but in such a way he can absolutely deny later that he intimated any such thing. Unless you have £4,000 to throw away, don’t even think it.

Interested to know why he thinks you have the money? Have you been too relaxed and open about your finances (in which case, lesson learned - never mention you have any money or savings to anyone again)? Can you not just say you tied it all up in a high interest account with 90 days notice to remove the temptation to spend it as you need it for a new boiler/car/roof repair next year?

I think you need to reply once that no, you cannot lend him the money and if he calls or messages it again you will consider it harassment and report him.

Sadly I don’t think your friendship can survive this now, and it likely wouldn’t have once he failed to pay you back anyway. So sorry if this was a friendship you valued

Do stick to your guns. Because even if he told you what it was for, I don't know that ypu should lend him the money.
I lent a good friend a large sum of money in several chunks. She's never paid it back. She's paid bits back but there's a lot owing. I don't think I'll ever see it again. She's terrible with money and often needs to borrow money to see her to pay day; but now I decline every time she asks

Definitely no. Never a lender or borrower be!

No No No
you will lose 4k and a ‘friend’

My late MIL used to say if you want to get rid of someone, lend them money, and she was right.

“It’s a no. It’ll always be a no. Don’t ask me again”.

Never lend friends money unless you don’t expect it back . I learnt my lesson years ago by lending a lifelong friend a couple of thousand to get a qualification and never saw it back . I was naive thinking a friendship meant being honourable

Having read the updates I now think it's just a hard no. I actually think it's quite worrying that he is effectively demanding money from you without a reason and he's now bombarding you with calls even though you've said no. Keep ignoring his calls.

I wouldn't lend a friend £4000 full stop,whether they told me what it was for or not. I once lent a friend £70 at a time when I had very little money and I never got it back. It was very stressful and caused issues with my friendship group. To me the reason doesn't matter, because who is to judge whether it is important or not. Are you happy to lend the money to this person? If yes, do. If not, don't. The reason is neither here nor there.

No. I don't live a flashy lifestyle at all. I'm not even on ANY social media. Even my LinkedIn is in 'incognito mode' and was only last turned on when I was job hunting...! It's likely because I live in London and have no children, so I think he thinks I have more disposable income. I have a good job in tech - so maybe because of all this AI hype, he's thinking I'm on the same salary as my CEO - which I'm obviously not! Far from it!

To be frank, I think it is largely because I don't have children, school fees etc... to pay for.

Dear God OP I'm so sorry to hear this. Assuming your income, and then assuming that makes it his.....eurgh.

I think you need to be firm. Tell him to stop asking, you are not able to give him money and you are feeling harassed now.

I've known him about 18 years. We used to see each other a lot since we lived 15 mins from each other. But he moved out of London 12 years ago (to the countryside), so we rarely see each other now. Last time I saw him was in Summer 2024 at a mutual friend's wedding. So it's not like it's someone I see once a month or something.

@Holtome Pressed 'post' too quickly! To answer your question - yes, definitely out of the blue.

School fees...so his kids go to private school?

Well, why wouldn't a child free woman want to fund that luxury for a friend?!

Goodness. So you haven't seen him for 2 years yet he thinks you're his go to for a loan?

Well done for saying no OP. He's not your responsibility.

So he's not living on the breadline then, has quite a nice lifestyle of his own? Who's paying schools fees without savings of £4k behind them? It sounds like he's either done something stupid or has been living beyond his means for a long time.

My guess is he doesn't want to tell you what happened becayse it's the school fees and there's an obvious, if unpalatable, answer to a luxury you can't afford.

If he's coming after someone he's not seen for a couple of years that means he's gone through all his friends.

I would imagine he wants to speak to you to either try to bully you into giving him the money or manipulate you.

Bonkers. No way would I give him money. Why would you give someone that much money with no explanation?
I'd need a good reason to give my husband that kind of money and we share a house and kids (but have separate finances!), never mind some random friend you barely see.
Not a hope and I'd actually be quite insulted that they keep asking, doesn't look like they have much pride in themselves and if they are that desperate how in the name of god are they going to pay you back. Not that I'd be asking that. I'd just not be interested in taking that risk so it would just be a no from me.

Hi Friend

Please stop asking me for money. I'm not going to change my mind and it's making me really uncomfortable.

I can't afford the loan (I'm not sure what you imagine my financial circumstances are!) and I definitely can't afford to lose it (and our friendship) if something goes wrong.

If you are having problems and I can help in any other way, I'm here.

This will almost certainly be related to an addiction of some kind. You would be a fool to do this. You can kiss the £4K goodbye if you do. It is not a loan. If he cannot get the money from a bank, then is a reason. I don’t think you are helping his children in the long run either. The longer he strings this out, the longer to rock bottom and the point when he can actually start to turn things around.

My guess is he gambles. Its a massive problem with (some) men