AIBU to refuse a friend £4k without knowing what it is for?

[rainershine22]

My friend asked me to borrow a large sum of money. (£4k).

He wouldn't say what it is for, but claimed he can't get help anywhere else (such as banks/loans etc...) which is obviously already a red flag.

I asked if everything was ok in his life and what was going on... but he didn't want to divulge too much and was just said he had 'cashflow issues'. I know his two children and he alluded to it being something related to them - but not much more...?!

I declined to give him anything/said no - but he's messaged again today AM asking me to reconsider. He clearly sounds desperate, but AIBU in still saying no?

Horrible position to be put in. Unless he can provide a very good reason then best to avoid this. Just say you don’t have the money.

Seen a few friendships destroyed over less money than this.

This has so many red flags, if he is choosing people he hasnt spoken to in a while, I would suspect you are not the only one he is trying to get money out of. Id keep it simple with no, that's not possible. I have been in your situation before, and when I tried to be like "oh i couldnt afford that" the amount would change etc, just straight to the point, no i won't be doing that, and don't get bogged down in the reasons why (of which there are many!)

Neither a lender nor a borrower be. You won't see a penny of it back

He is harassing you. I would block in this instance. No true friend would behave like this.

I’m really sorry Jack that life is tough for you right now, but I’m not the answer to your financial problems, whatever they may be, as I simply don’t have money to lend out, or to invest.
Let’s talk again when you are sorted and less stressed about your situation.
All the best.

Each to their own.

Erm, yeah? That’s kind of the point of the thread, though…

It’s not his best mate. It’s someone OP’s not heard from in nearly two years making contact out of the blue and harassing him for a loan. OP is under no obligation here.

The more desperate he is, the more I would say no. One thing for sure, if it was anything legit he would tell you why he needs it.

You will never see it again if you give it.

No, I wouldn’t lend him money either.

I’m inclined to believe that he won’t tell you what it’s for because he knows it would be a hard no, or even a fuck no, if you knew.

Can you afford to lose £4k. Because you won’t be getting it back.

'I simply do not have that kind of money free to lend you. Full stop. Please stop asking me.'

That would make it more likely that I say no.

So he’s not even a friend really. For him to ask like this makes me even more suspicious it’s something like gambling debts. Hard no.

Tell him that you've said no and he needs to stop pushing.

Who asks a friend for a sum of money like £4K? Ever?

Not least, to be told 'no' and then continue pushing is CF'ery of the highest order.

I'm loath to borrow £10, never mind figures running into the thousands. These people must inhabit a very different world from mine.

A person we know did this and it was for gambling. Ripped one of their best friends off saying it was for a business venture!

If (and it's unlikely to be honest) I would be willing to discuss this with a friend at all it would be on the sole condition that they disclosed the reason, and that a repayment plan were set up officially. Anyone who isn't willing to set that up has no intention repaying.

4k isn't realistically going to do much for someone with "cash flow issues" who's clearly got something deeper going on and friends should not be asking this of each other, let alone applying pressure. You don't need to feel guilty about simply saying no OP. "I've sat with this for a while and am sorry but my final answer is no. Am here if you need to talk though"

You’re not being unreasonable. Maybe he’s got himself into something dodgy land he doesn’t want to admit that to you (is likely to be a drug user?), but desperately needs the money. How is he in himself at the moment?

He needs to be honest with you even if it is bad. If it’s not bad then why can’t he just tell you the truth.

Don't lend him the money, it could be for gambling or drugs. It's huge amount to loan anyone.

You’d be bonkers to lend anyone any money without any context. Lending institutions would ask questions, why would you not?

I think it's reasonable to want to know what it's for. I'd lend a friend money if it was a 1 off expense that was essential (care repair, new boiler, rent deposit) but I'd feel uncomfortable if it was for something everyday that they weren't able to budget for (regular car payments etc) or for something for themselves that isn't essential (cosmetic procedures or a holiday). Or even worse if it supports a gambling or drug issue potentially. It's a lot of money and I think it's ok to ask what it's for (the bank asked me when I got a car loan!)

Never lend more than you can afford to lose. You have to work on the assumption you won’t get it back. You’d be surprised how many people don’t get back money they lend. If youre willing to give them that money (obviously you don’t tell them it’s a gift, you hope they will return it as promised) then ok. If not then don’t lend it. It doesn’t sound like you want to lend it, so don’t feel you should. Say no, mean no. If they fall out with you over it they aren’t your friend and probably wouldn’t have returned it anyway.

@rainershine22 I see you have said, No and are ignoring his repeated calls and texts.
I'd be contacting mutual friends asking if they know What's going on with Ted because out of the blue he contacted me asking for £4k and even though I've refused he continues to call and message. It's bizarre as I haven't seen or spoken to him in 2 years.

I've known him about 18 years. We used to see each other a lot since we lived 15 mins from each other. But he moved out of London 12 years ago (to the countryside), so we rarely see each other now. Last time I saw him was in Summer 2024 at a mutual friend's wedding. So it's not like it's someone I see once a month or something.

He will have asked a load of people before you if you haven't seen him for that long. Everyone else has said no (or maybe some people have said yes and he's pissed their money up the wall and needs to find more people to ask because he can't ask them again!)
Sounds like he's desperate if he's asking you when you haven't seen each for two years and rarely in the last 12!

I would lend my brother any money he needed, I trust him 100% and he once loaned me a huge amount of money (>20k) I paid him back, in full, on the day I said I would. Of all my friends, there is only one to whom I would lend more than I could afford to lose, but she would never ask.

This would be a flat no from me, as I could not afford to lose £4k