AIBU to refuse a friend £4k without knowing what it is for?

[rainershine22]

My friend asked me to borrow a large sum of money. (£4k).

He wouldn't say what it is for, but claimed he can't get help anywhere else (such as banks/loans etc...) which is obviously already a red flag.

I asked if everything was ok in his life and what was going on... but he didn't want to divulge too much and was just said he had 'cashflow issues'. I know his two children and he alluded to it being something related to them - but not much more...?!

I declined to give him anything/said no - but he's messaged again today AM asking me to reconsider. He clearly sounds desperate, but AIBU in still saying no?

If he’s asking you after not seeing him for quite a while, he’s probably asked many people before you.
It is a pressing debt he’s clearly very anxious about so it will be something be wants to hide and can’t borrow for legitimately eg gambling debt, drugs debt.
Sounds a bit melodramatic but there is clearly a reason he’s pressing you and why he won’t tell you what it’s for - it’s not for an unpaid gas bill. Any debts of that nature you can work with the provider.
Debts of another nature are an entirely different beast.
Don’t get involved. As he’s not near you sadly I’d block him for a while because what he is doing is intimidating now.

Dont send this @rainershine22
You have said No
Thats it
Continuing to ask is manipulative and ignoring boundaries
No and then block if he continues
If you offer to help he would wheedle back in

If a friend asked me for that amount of money, but wouldn’t say what it was for (which is a reasonable thing to ask) I’d think it was gambling related.

Me too.

I'd simply send-

I have told you no, more than once. Please don't ask me again.

No reasons, no excuses or explanations. And continue to ignore.

Do you know his wife?

I might be tempted to make an "I'm really worried about..." call. Call, not text.

My rule is that I never lend money I can’t afford to lose.

This bloke sounds like a cheeky fucker.

From what you’ve said about him and the fact that he’s mentioned it relates to the children, my guess is that he can’t pay private school fees. Little Quentin and Jemima will just have to leave St Bastard’s prep if he can’t pay for it. None of this is your responsibility.

You might need to block his number on your phone if he asks again.

I don’t think you need to know what it’s for. You only need to know it will be paid back.

However I’d expect someone wanting to borrow such a large sum to volunteer that information. The fact that they haven’t is good enough reason to say no.

That makes it all a bit stranger - surely he's got someone he's closer to these days that he could ask in person? You haven't seen him for nearly two years and he's asking you for a loan? Either he doesn't want to lose face around people he sees regularly, or he's already milked that cash cow dry and is going through his contacts list.

Cashflow (unless you are running a business) generally means no money, no savings and poor credit. Put these three things together and the likelihood is that he will not be able to repay you. Are you willing to lose the money? If not, then say no and tell him not to ask you again. Doesn't he have other friends or family that he can ask? Sounds like he views you as a soft touch and is going to keep pushing until you give in.

He has asked everyone closer and they have either said no or he has already used up their generosity. I would say no anyway, but he has a cheek thinking he doesn't even have to explain to you what it is for. He must think you are incredibly stupid and/or naive to hand over 4k for some unknown purpose and reason.

A friend would not ask.

Some people! After the repeated calls when you've said you won't loan him this money, I'd no longer consider him a friend. The least he could do is tell you what it's for, but even then... No.

What a CF!

Firstly, what’s his water tight plan he has in place to pay you back? I bet he doesn’t have one. Are you prepared to take him to court if he doesn’t?

What if he disappears and you never see the money again.

Harassing you when you’ve said no is not ok! Clearly he just assumed you’d say yes. Why would you assume one of the answers wouldn’t be no?

You don’t have to, in any way, justify not lending the money to him, where your money is or why. Stick to your guns!

Absolutely not!!

I foolishly lent a large amount of money as a short term bridging loan to someone I thought was a completely trustworthy friend. I had known him for many years, he had a very plausible reason, and although I did get it back (eventually), it turned out he was lying to me about what he needed it for, and I didn't get it back for a long time after he said he'd repay it. I had so many sleepless nights worrying about it! I'd persuaded my DH that we could trust him (he was reluctant to lend such a lot) and I spent ages planning how I'd save up enough to replenish our joint savings - it would have taken literally years.

As I say, we got it back and I tried to overlook it for the sake of our friendship but I still can't quite forgive him and our friendship has more or less fizzled out anyway. I will never lend anyone money I can't afford to give them ever again. It still makes me feel sick to think about it and it was years ago now. I don't think my ex-friend has the slightest idea of the impact it had on me, he's certainly never really apologised for it, and weirdly seemed pissed off with me about the whole thing.

Of course he's pissed off, you were supposed to be beset with worry at his woes and reclassify the loan as a gift. This is what OP's friend will be expecting too.

No, I’d not lend him the money. If he refuses to tell you what it’s for, then he trusts you enough to take your cash but not to tell you why? Not a good look.
I might say look, I’m not lending you anything, but if you tell me what the problem is, maybe I can help you work out a solution

However …
I have never asked friends for money, I would be waaaaaaay too embarrassed. The fact that your friend is now badgering you for a loan clearly demonstrates that you were absolutely right to say no first time round. I don’t believe a true friend would behave in the way he has.

Keep strong saying no, you haven't seen him for a while and he is almost harassing you.
Big red flags, don't do it.

Then I think for the foreseeable, you need to simply block him on everything. Social media, email. Phone number. You can unblock him at a later date if you wish, but this will continue while communication lines remain open.

You’ve said no. He has no idea what your finances are like and yes, he may be desperate, for one of many valid reasons. That he isn’t being transparent [eg. lost his job, IVF costs, car was wrecked in a crash and insurance cover wasn’t enough and I need it get to work etc] is a red flag to me, tbh. It could be for gambling or drug debts, for all you know. However, if he needs help for whatever reason the mortgage company can give a repayment holiday, citizens advice can help with working out if there are benefits he can claim and also with debt resolution processes (or voluntary bankruptcy). There will be help for the children available too.

It’s not your problem to solve and with this level of desperation - I suspect he has tried all his closer friends and family and come up empty already, so you are person 23 on the list - it seems that he needs to get professional financial support not badger someone he’s not seen for 2 years into giving a HUGE sum of money for a lot of people.

I know it will feel awful for you, he has deliberately mentioned his kids to ensure you feel guilty, but you need to shut this down.

Couldn’t give a shit what it was for (with perhaps the exception of a life saving operation) he’s not having it.

He is asking you to give him money not loan money. He will not pay this back and you know this. What it is for is pretty much irrelevant. It is not your problem to fix. Stay strong and keep saying no.

Never lend money to a friend if you still want to be friends in the future. Learnt that the hard way. It just doesn't work out, even if you really feel like you can trust them. You usually become the last person they're willing to pay, and it'll wear on you to the point that the relationship completely deteriorates

He's not a friend, he's run out of people to ask. Check with the rest of your mutual - bet he's done this to loads of people.