To feel humiliated by my fiancé's stag do video?

[Aquadream]

I am not sure what I’m hoping for from posting this..probably some reassurance that I’m not being over the top in feeling so humiliated.

DP returned from his abroad stag do yesterday (we get married later in the summer). A big group went and I know a few of the other partners really well.

One of my friends who is married to one of my DP’s best mates messaged me whilst they were still away to say it sounded mental and she’d had a few photos/videos through from her other half, sent with a drunken message in the early hours of the morning.

She sent me one of the videos which was basically my DP on a sort of podium with a barely dressed woman/dancer wearing a really skimpy sort of bondage outfit. It’s about 2 minutes long and she pulls his shorts down and starts using a whip on him. She then gets him to lie down and she lowers herself above his face.

This is all egged on to cheers and shouting from the group.

I’ve confronted him about it - he says he was pushed into it and had no choice. He also said it was not a strip club and was a normal bar which happened to have the woman on the podium. I have googled the place and it is not a strip club. But the whole resort seems so sleazy. He said they’d been drinking in the sun all day and he barely remembers it, but that was happening to’all the others stags too’.

I find it so so embarrassing all the other partners have probably seen this video too, as it was in the group chat and people would have sent stuff on like happened with my friend.

Thanks to anyone still reading. Am I wrong to have reacted like this?

I'm fine, thanks for asking.

OPs fiancé did something hideous, which turns my stomach, but given her reaction he won't do anything like it again. Ever. She clearly feels able to move on, after a couple of hideous days where she doubted her future with him.

If we left behind everyone who makes a mistake in life we'd be travelling on our own.

Well, the lesson he’s learnt is that a fancy dinner cancels out this behaviour. He now knows that he’ll probably have to factor in the cost of an appeasement mini-break when he “unwillingly” sleeps with someone on this friendship group’s next stag do.

Nonsense. Of course he will do it again. He just won't tell her next time

Yes it did prompt me to ask my husband whether he has ever consumed a ribbon directly from any part of a woman. He gave me a "look" and refused to answer so clearly he is off in Benidorm every night when he says he's just going out to work on his motorbike in the garage.

I did also enjoy the suggestion that the OP reveal a ribbon in her mouth during the wedding ceremony. Ideally cut a fork into one end of it and open mouth and hiss in a rattlesnake style during the lawful impediments bit.

He learned that he can cheat and if he goes to his mom's for a night or two and buys her a nice dinner, it's all cool. And this is before they're married.

Ooooh op you should have clams as a starter at your wedding!! it would be such a cool in joke between you and The Lads 😍

gosh I’m really surprised by the reactions to this! Sounds like standard stag doo silliness that means nothing. Have a conversation with him! Unless he was all over her I don’t think it’s worth worrying about at all!

A mistake is forgetting to lock the back door. Not nuzzling your face into sex workers' fannies.

I think it depends what you consider standard. If you mean standard for the sort of stags who get bladdered and indulge in dodgy sexual activities then yes but among my friends, family and wider acquaintances stags and hens are more a few close friends, a few drinks and sometimes an experience/activity like paintballing, escape room, spa, etc.
Any bloke who allows a sex worker's fanny that close to his face doesn't get close enough to me to be intimate.

How is being complicit in the demeaning and abuse of a woman silliness? We all must do better and adults condoning this behaviour and laughing it off need to examine their principles.

I’m astonished that anyone old enough to to use the internet and functional enough to be able to read and write, can dismiss being complicit in the use of a sex worker as ‘silliness’.

It wasn’t a sex worker though was it? It was a dancer in a bar. She was clothed and dancing in a provocative way. He didn’t engage in any physical way. The guy chose the style/ destination/ type of stage doo and by all accounts controlled himself. To throw away an entire relationship on a dance seems ludicrous to me. That is my opinion before you insinuate other nonsense about my intelligence 🙄

This is starting to feel like a massive pile on towards the OP, who posted here for help and support - not judgement. She hasn't done anything wrong here.

I hope he's learned a valuable lesson here OP, and your wedding goes well. The only thing I'd maybe do here is say to him how let down you feel by his behaviour and that any future stag do's especially with this group of friends are off the table.

Make a dumb decision, get hostile responses.

I mean, it’s not that complicated.

I mean, apparently in the second video he uses his mouth to eat a flag out of a naked woman's vulva.....

What do you mean he didn’t engage in a physical way? He allowed his shorts to be taken off, to be whipped, to have a nearly naked woman gyrate on his face, then he willingly used his mouth to remove a ribbon from another naked woman’s vulva. Are you reading the same thread?

This is how he chose to celebrate his marriage to OP. And you seriously think she doesn’t deserve better?

It’s posters like you, with your sickening ‘boys will be boys’ attitude that are doing OP a disservice by not encouraging her to question if this is actually the type of man she wants to tie herself to for the rest of her life.

This! And no amount of fancy dinners will stop this being true. Good luck Op as I think you’ll need it.

Agree 100%

Some people throw litter out of car windows and still find someone to marry them

Some people spit on pavements, kick animals, push ahead in queues, steal money from their employers, refuse to pay for dinners, play music loudly on trains, walk around shirtless in shops belching and swearing

We can only assume those who marry them are no better than they are

Burying your nose between a strippers labia two nights in a row is not how the majority of people behave, but the loud minority of louts that think its acceptable but I suppose its the women who behave just as embarrassingly that happily marry them

I hope it all works out for you, OP. ATEOTD we all have our own take on what's a dealbreaker and what isn't.

I will say, be careful. He's already shown you what he's capable of, and you're not even married yet!

Words of wisdom from Karen Green, "Once a cheater, always a cheater."

You're right. Depressing, but entirely right.

Who are you, the people who think this is normal behaviour, and do it, or marry those who do?

whats the needs in deliberately trying to stir things up for OP
typical keyboard warrior mentality

Well, you pays your money and you takes your choice. I wish you the best going forward and hope it works out as you'd like.

To be honest, the clincher for me was the fancy restaurant

Had he been genuinely contrite, well ... I dunno, maybe I could have understood OP looking past a one-off. I couldn't personally.

But the idea that a fancy meal would put it right is so trivialising it is unreal.

She's right though.

I mean we could all just say "ah well, never mind eh."