To think being a single parent shouldn’t trump everything

[Unher10]

… when it comes to life being hard.

I have 2 kids under 4 and a husband and general family support. Husband works long hours which means I can stay at home and we do not have financial worries but equally I wouldn’t say we are wealthy in the sense that a cleaner etc would be too much of a luxury.

I am really struggling and feel like my parents don’t give a shit. My sister is a single parent to one child age 2 and is back at work, her daughter is in nursery four days a week and my sister works from home whenever she likes while also having a social life with work stuff.

Even though she has a huge income and hefty CMS payments, time to herself when niece’s dad spends time with her AND she has flexibility at work so can shop and go to the gym in peace during her lunch hour…my parents still feel sorry for her and will be at her beck and call if she needs anything, even though she rarely does!!!!

I have said I am not managing and fed up being with one or two children all day every day and they say sister doesn’t complain and she’s a single parent… literally anything I say the answer is she is a single parent and she copes so why can’t I. How are our situations even comparable?!??

I am close to my sister and wouldn’t say this to her as she’s been through a lot and I love her but the perspective that I have it all great in comparison in the eyes of my family just takes the piss. I don’t know what im asking really. Just want to let out my feelings as I feel so down today.

Poster posts a very controversial thread, replies a couple of times with increasingly goady messages immediately afterwards then disappears. It's almost as if someone/something has deliberately thrown a pebble in to watch the ripples and count the money as it roles in.

So she has a job, a child and no partner? You have no job and a partner? Hour life so I'm nds infinitely easier than hers, if you need a break from the kids get a job and put them in nursery.

Does your husband not live in your home? So you have a second parent there all evening and weekend? That's not parenting non stop the way single parenting is. And I have a husband

Ah yes, 'single mum benefits' all single mums get, regardless of circumstances. So many assumptions, so little critical thinking.....

I feel you. I had my kids 100% of the time with partner working full time. It’s hard when they’re little. I don’t think people who have help and time to themselves can ever fully understand just how exhausting it can be. Go easy on yourself.

Even rhe reference to 'the general scamming' is quite insulting. It implies that you think this is the norm for single parents.

But you seem to think that it is the case for other single parents. You have no evidence for your claim.

Your post is deeply offensive and misogynistic.

How utterly offensive to hard working single parents, not to mind false. I have never claimed a penny in benefits, other than child child benefit, in all the years I have been single. I have never engaged in ‘general scamming’ and don’t know a single single parent who has.

You should be ashamed of your comments.

Find a nursery or child minder with availability, get prices etc then apply for a job. It’s not about the money for you but for having a sense of purpose and not just being a mum. You’ll have adults you can communicate with all day and will appreciate your time with your children more when you are home.

Both my children went to nursery from 9 months because we couldn't afford for me not to work

It's interesting that so many posters think this thread is evidence that 'MN hates SAHMs'. My overwhelming impression of this thread is from the many many posts from single parents, very eloquently articulating the invisible mental load that they carry that the OP may not have considered. Just goes to show that we notice what we pay attention to.

My estranged family are of the opinion my life as a single parent is easier somehow than everyone elses. For context both siblings have husbands/wives and one child each. I am alone, no father around at all with 3. I work full time year round, my siblings partners are stay at home parents but somehow the fact I do it alone every single day from the second I get up to go to work to solely provide for my kids to the second we all go to bed every single thing is left to me, nobody to help out at all in any capacity and nobody to share the emotional or mental load with let alone the financial load but again somehow my life is a bed of roses as far as they are concerned. People will always think they have it harder than others without actually engaging their brains and working out the logistics of things but if your issue is that your sister earns to provide for her kids alone where you have a husband doing this and you chose to stay home then that is something you need to deal with yourself and change the situation instead of comparing your life to someone elses.

I suspect its nothing to do with her marital status and everything to do with mindset.

My sister is seriously whiny and negative about everything. I know it sounds harsh, but there are people who take what's thrown at them and make the best of it. Then there are people who whine about everything, no matter what comes their way.

My sister moans about being overloaded as a single parent. But then resents the "time off" she gets when they're with their dad as "time with the kids 'stolen' from her. She got the house, but moans that it needs so much work, but without showing any personal interest in sorting it out. Even the smallest thing is beyond her. Literally refilling the screenwash on her own car seems too much, and she will expect someone to drop everything to go round and help. It doesn't matter what comes her way, whether for good or bad, she will whine.

Its probably depression. But despite everyone suggesting she go to the GP, trauma counselling, whatever, she reacts angrily like you've personally attacked her resilience.

There is literally nothing we can do or say that helps. Its just a non-stop barrage of negativity and helplessness. Every suggestion is met with an immediate reason why that can't happen.

The point of saying all this is that it's time you looked at getting some help with your mental health, because in all likelihood that is the message your parents might be trying to give you. Its not meant to sound as harsh as it does.

Be kind to yourself, but get some help from dh, the GP, etc. Because resenting your parents and your sister will just lead to alienating them.

Are you sure this is about your sister. You chose to be a SAHM I did it and a lot of the time it was the most boring job but flexible as kids got older. Feeling down and discouraged is allowed, the Daily grind is miserable. If you dc is too young start making a plan for yourself. Being a single parent is harder no one to help on hand. if your husband doesnt engage when he's home then you have 3 children and might as well be single. You cant compare your life to anyone else's.

I don't understand why it is a competition.
I also don't understand how if you are struggling, which is understandable given young children, that you and you partner do not look to problem solve and make changes, even small ones. Your parents don't need to be involved in those conversations... maybe they struggle with your need to offload/moan?

Lots you could do to support yourself and your family. Time to put this energy into that.

You see the positives in your sisters life, your parents see the positives in your life. Nothing wrong with that, sometimes we need to see a different perspective to appreciate what we do have.

I think you might have misinterpreted the original comment.

I think @Cocktailglass was trying to say that the OPs sister (like many others) aren't scrounging or playing the system (just because you don't know someone who is, doesn't mean it doesn't happen... a lot!), and are actually working bloody hard so the OPs generalism of single mums trumping isn't accurate.

OP it’s very unfair of your parents to suggest you shouldn’t complain because your sister doesn’t. Of course being a stay at home parent looking after two under 4s 7 days a week is really hard it’s no wonder you might need a hand or a break sometimes.

But you gain nothing by buying into the narrative it’s a competition for who has it harder. To me it sounds like you both have a lot on and are both going to struggle sometimes. Your sister is the main caregiver for a small child, while juggling a senior job that often requires her to often work on an evening and she has no one at home to share the mental load or any household tasks with.

like others have suggested you need to think what you need and work on that - is it going back to work either full or part time. Does your husband need to step up more on a weekend because it’s not right you do 7 days a week of childcare without any break. Can you get a babysitter or nanny or put the kids into nursery for a day a week to give you a break. Whatever the solution is it’s not trying to convince yourself or your parents that you have it harder than your sister.

OP said they couldn’t even afford a cleaner apparently.

It sounds like the husband needs to get off his arse
and do more.

Stop focusing on how unfair this feels. What are you actually going to do to change it?

If being at home all day is too much, then do something about it. Look into nursery or childcare. Update your CV. Start applying for jobs. Take a course if that helps you get where you want to be.

You can’t keep waiting for your family to treat you differently. That might not happen.