To think being a single parent shouldn’t trump everything

[Unher10]

… when it comes to life being hard.

I have 2 kids under 4 and a husband and general family support. Husband works long hours which means I can stay at home and we do not have financial worries but equally I wouldn’t say we are wealthy in the sense that a cleaner etc would be too much of a luxury.

I am really struggling and feel like my parents don’t give a shit. My sister is a single parent to one child age 2 and is back at work, her daughter is in nursery four days a week and my sister works from home whenever she likes while also having a social life with work stuff.

Even though she has a huge income and hefty CMS payments, time to herself when niece’s dad spends time with her AND she has flexibility at work so can shop and go to the gym in peace during her lunch hour…my parents still feel sorry for her and will be at her beck and call if she needs anything, even though she rarely does!!!!

I have said I am not managing and fed up being with one or two children all day every day and they say sister doesn’t complain and she’s a single parent… literally anything I say the answer is she is a single parent and she copes so why can’t I. How are our situations even comparable?!??

I am close to my sister and wouldn’t say this to her as she’s been through a lot and I love her but the perspective that I have it all great in comparison in the eyes of my family just takes the piss. I don’t know what im asking really. Just want to let out my feelings as I feel so down today.

You come across as a right whinger! A jealous whinger at that. Give your head a wobble and count your blessings. How many other women would give their right arm to be in your position!

Good on your sister for getting out there & building a life that suits her. Your posts strongly suggest envy re what she has achieved, you need to stop the excuses, work around perceived difficulties and do the same.

Why can’t the husband/dad ‘look after’ his own kids?!

Are you sure this isn’t a case of the grass being greener? Coupled with the fact that you’re struggling? I think it’s okay to struggle when you have from what an outsider would say is ‘everything’. I think mums who be work sometimes wish to be a SAHM and vice versa. You can’t have everything OP. No one can. You’ll have to think what exactly the help is that you need - two hours childcare on a Thursday afternoon so you can go for a run? Or ask your husband to take them one morning so you can have a lie in and a bubble bath? SAHMs don’t ever have down time really so you need to seriously schedule some in.

So go to work! Mine were both in nursery from 8 months, as was almost everyone’s kids 20 years ago.

No, that’s being a lone parent in my mind.

I’m single, and I’m a parent, I’m a single parent.

I think this is what it comes down to: parenting is hard and different arrangements just have different stresses.

But I do think that in turning this into a "how dare you say your life is harder" thread, pp are missing the point. As I read it, what the OP said is that she is struggling and wishes her parents could provide a bit of extra support for her too, given it is forthcoming for her DSis.

I don't think that is an unreasonable feeling to express - even if she does have it "easier" from some theoretical objective standpoint. One of my dc finds academic work exceedingly easy. That doesn't mean I only never give support to them because they don't "need it." If I spend time or give input to one dc, I give something equal - maybe not identical in kind - to the others. It is a reasonable expectation that, nc or damaged relationship issues aside, parents share their input. It may be in some families that one needs financial support, another may need practical support like childcare. But I don't think feeling aggrieved because one gets it all is such an outlandish position - especially when what OP is saying is that she could really do with it. She didn't say her own needs should "trump", simply that she felt she could also do with some support. There are not many mums with dc that age who couldn't tbh...

I can see why you would feel frustrated that when you express that you are struggling, your parents respond by talking about your sister. That's annoying and unhelpful. I think it makes sense that they offer more support to a single parent though, because they are in a way stepping in where a partner should due to the fact she doesn't have one.
I'm sorry that you are finding things hard, what is it that you are finding difficult at the moment?

I remember the first night when it was just me and the girls in a house on our own, knowing that it was permanent and that my husband was gone and not coming back. The feeling of being completely and utterly alone and responsible for these two little children who are dependent on me for everything was overwhelming and terrifying.

OP, forget comparing and think about what might make things feel even a little more manageable for you. Do that, then think of the next thing, and do that.

My DH died when my two were very young and things are a nightmare right now tbh (both now teens, ND eldest having a LOT of problems.

I try really hard not to compare with others and am currently attempting ‘radical acceptance plus biscuits’ as my life approach.

For me my ‘little thing’ tonight will simply be a bit of Radio 3 unwind with earphones in and some Easter egg.

@TellHerToFuckOff here here! As a single parent, you just have to crack on, get the kids to school, get to work, regardless of the situation. No one to share the load. I worry that the buck stops with me.

Completely agree. Annoys me no end when people joke about “being a single parent” when their OH is away etc.

I somewhat agree op but that ultimately its not couple vs single its largely a combination of
how hard work the kids are - mine are and remain incredibly tricky due to SN
i f you have a partner are they there - do they help (dp hasnt put the kids to bed in a week and for longer than that he needs my prompting constantly.
does your work pay enough to return to work (m y work was pretty stressful and i couldnt add that to the tricky kids

whereas dsis hardly has had time off with her dc and her dp does most though she seems to cook. They have always had a cleaner and an au pair situation when kods were younger.
comparing to a single person that would be crap if they have sen or are ill a lot. But like you say they may have child free time at least every other weekend (but sorting stuff for that would be a hassle)

People are being mean with you on purpose. I’ve never been a SAHM but I did 2 rounds of Maternity Leave for 13m each (second round with my toddler on tow so juggling 2 kids) and I do flexi work so I’m still home with both of them for a full day and another half day during the week and I swear going to the office feels like a luxury holiday! I could put them an extra day in nursery but it wouldn’t make sense financially and I also want to be there for them whey they are this tiny so I just push through. But yes, I can totally see your point of her life looking easier from the outside than yours! I think in the end it all depends on personal circumstances not just one or two variables.

I can see where you are coming from and your parents.

I think some replies have been a bit harsh.

You are not saying that there aren't ways in which it nay be hard for your sister, 9r that she didn't work hard to get to the position she was in before having a child.

However that doesn't change the fact that you sound as if you are struggling with the current situation.

Yes it may be what you and your husband chose, but that doesn't automatically mean you can't find it difficult.

When finding things hard, I would think it common for people to see the good side of what others have, without seeing the negative

You see your sister as having the opportunity for adult time as well as time with her child, and the chance to work flexibly on good money. In contrast you don't have the opportunity for adult only time, or to work let alone flexibly.

Others may see her as not having the support of a partner bring there when making decisions, if a child is ill in the night etc. In comparison they see you as having the support of someone there to share those things with.

Life isn't a competition as to which of you has it the hardest. You are both experiencing the benefits and disadvantages of your choices, and both face difficulties- just different ones to each other.

I think maybe that both you and your parents don't see that. As a result you only see the good things about your sister's life. Your parents see more of the difficulties in your sister's situation, and positives in yours.

I've always thought single parents with one kid and an amicable/ co parenting ex have the easy life.

Very low stress, calm household, lots of me time, easy tidy up. Pretty much how I was brought up.

Do your parents have you in mind as their carer in their old age?

If yes, it’s in their interests that you are seen as less busy.

I love my mum to bits, but she does this, she insists my job and life are easy, to justify her over reliance on me compared to my siblings.

OP I'm in a very similar position to your sister minus the CMS and co parenting as my child's dad is in another country and it's not easy! My child is also 2 and we live temporarily with my parents (because I lost my job when pregnant) and get lots of logistical help from them now I'm back in work, but I literally couldn't manage without it. I also work from home and occasionally go to the gym at lunch time (because it's literally the only time I can go). I feel very fortunate in some respects but on the other side it's still exhausting working full time with a toddler without a partner. My day is either working, parenting or life admin and there's not enough time to be good at any of it.

Most single mums have been through a lot. To be a single mum of a child of 2 you've most likely been through a shit time and it's the wrong person to project on.

You have a supportive partner AND you get to see your kids all week and have the choice to be a stay at home mum. People like me and your sister have NO choice but to work full time. I'm the only one out of my friends working full time with children under 5. I'd happily earn less and work part time or stay at home to spend more time with my child, but it's not an option in my industry and also I need the money since I'm the only provider in my family.

You say your sister gets to go out and do what she wants, but also I imagine it's like me in that she would see nobody but her child and your parents without support. I'm sure my sibling think I do a lot compared to them because I have to travel sometimes for work, but I see my friends maybe twice a month.

The bottom line is parenting young children is always hard and I agree it's not necessarily easier if you have a partner. We're all managing a balancing act which mainly falls on mums whether you're single or not. I have had moments where I've felt bitter about being alone in it all (my partner left me for someone else while I was pregnant) but I got out of that rut by focusing on what I do have. Maybe you should try that.

If you want more childcare from your parents ask them. Or put your children in nursery.
Or maybe your husband should be taking on more parenting and life admin?

But don't blame your sister. She's done nothing wrong.

Hit the nail on the head

Here's the thing,tell your husband you want a divorce cause it's not fair your parents treat your sister better because she's a single parent,no mind she does it all herself 24/7 except the times her ex has his daughter,stop it you couldn't make this up 😂😂😂

I went back to work when my dd was 12 months old. If your husband has a very good job then he can afford nursery and you can work.

@Unher10 i think you’re comparing apples and oranges. This isn’t about single mother v partnered mother. You have 2 children under 4, SAHM and by the sounds of it responsible for all mental load and household running. Your sister has half the children you have and a child in nursery.

There are lots of nuances to this however ultimately if you’ve gone to your parents asking for support and they’ve denied it to you because they think your sister needs it more that’s a parent and your resentment should be aimed at them not your sister.

You talk about your sisters life as if it’s heaven having 2 days to herself, but she might actually dread being away from her only child - I know some single mothers who find this seperation hard but have had to find things to fill their time up to keep the pain away. Likewise your sister may look at you and think “how lucky, she gets to spend all day every day with her children and doesn’t even need to work” when we know that’s not how the reality feels to you. Comparison is the thief of joy and even though your parents are framing things this was you shouldn’t be drawn into it.

I’m sorry your parents aren’t being supportive. Is there anyone else you could ask for support ? Your partners parents ? Or dare I ask your sister seeing as she has by your account 2 free days a week?

So I will share my set up and then explain what my own mother states

i work part time with one child, currently pregnant though but im a single parent live on my own and I just see their dad when our child does etc and occasionally stay there every so often.

my sister is a stay at home mum with a partner who pulls in a wage and has 2 children one school age one that’s almost 1.

My mum and her partner spend a lot of time with me they have us every Christmas and they have us at every special occasion.

9/10 everytime I need a night off once every couple of weeks or when my child is off pre school my mum will have my child but she won’t have my sisters- I do that. I have my sisters children I have 3 children on my own and I’m fine with that. All my mum ever says is your on your own you work you go home to yourself. She mainly does it because I work and she appreciates it however I’d think
my sister who doesn’t work needs it more as a break but never gets it from our mum. So your own parent might be on that wavelength of thinking that your sister puts more in than you.

I sent my child to a childminder at 10 months old and I paid for it on my own until she was 3 and I worked full time I now work part time that she’s in pre school about to go to school in September this year.

You absolutely can go and find your own identity if you put your children in childcare which would do them and yourself some good but it appears you will moan about your family before you’ll ever actually take steps to better your situation.

Oops i
meqnt months not weeks I’m not that lucky to get a night off every other week 😂😂

Go back to work and put the kids in childcare and then you will be even. You have no job to worry about, you literally just look after your kids and don't worry about the bills, I'd say you have it easy, you also have a second parent there, if you want to nip out at the weekend or in the evening you can, whenever you like. She has to plan when it is her weekend and whether she has childcare. The 2 situations aren't comparable ( I say this as someone who is married and had 3 under 5 at one point, I'd say a single parent to 1 has it harder than someone married with 3).