To think being a single parent shouldn’t trump everything

[Unher10]

… when it comes to life being hard.

I have 2 kids under 4 and a husband and general family support. Husband works long hours which means I can stay at home and we do not have financial worries but equally I wouldn’t say we are wealthy in the sense that a cleaner etc would be too much of a luxury.

I am really struggling and feel like my parents don’t give a shit. My sister is a single parent to one child age 2 and is back at work, her daughter is in nursery four days a week and my sister works from home whenever she likes while also having a social life with work stuff.

Even though she has a huge income and hefty CMS payments, time to herself when niece’s dad spends time with her AND she has flexibility at work so can shop and go to the gym in peace during her lunch hour…my parents still feel sorry for her and will be at her beck and call if she needs anything, even though she rarely does!!!!

I have said I am not managing and fed up being with one or two children all day every day and they say sister doesn’t complain and she’s a single parent… literally anything I say the answer is she is a single parent and she copes so why can’t I. How are our situations even comparable?!??

I am close to my sister and wouldn’t say this to her as she’s been through a lot and I love her but the perspective that I have it all great in comparison in the eyes of my family just takes the piss. I don’t know what im asking really. Just want to let out my feelings as I feel so down today.

It’s ok to acknowledge that being a SAHM isn’t for you, and that maybe you should have recognised that sooner, but focus on what you can do to improve your circumstances now, rather than fedling jealous of your sister.

youve really no idea what is like to be a single parent.
For some women yes it can be easy but the majority it’s hard.
you can’t compare yourself to your sister who looks after a child, works, maintains a house a garden, pays all the bills.
you stay at home looking after your children.
no job, no bills.

This really resonates with me as a single parent. That sadness at not being able to share the bursting pride I have in my DD.

OP, with kindness, if your husband is not stepping up, your marriage may be doomed anyway as resentment is a sure-fire relationship killer.

My advice would be to look for work and use a nursery. Start part time if that helps. I’m one of those who found maternity leave quite tough and my career was a non-negotiable in my marriage. Such that when it ended I was financially ok, like your sister.

I was a lone parent for many years. You literally have no clue on the financial pressures.

My mum was a single parent for years in 70s though my stepdad was around. Coped with a sick child every day with chronic life threatening asthma. Family next to useless. Until she inherited a significant life changing and totally unexpected amount from her uncle (for us kids too) life was very hard at times. Caused a family rift though with the inheritance. Which did heal in a way.

Probably was one reason why I never married or had kids.

And even if youre lucky and don’t particularly have financial pressures, the mental load of paying all the bills, negotiating rates, finding work people etc is all down to you:

mortgage, remortgage, life insurance, house insurance, home maintenance and repairs, electricity, gas, council tax, water rates, refuse, car insurance, tax, MOT, repairs and maintenance, diesel/petrol, health insurance, doctors appointments, prescriptions, school fees, uniform and school bag/supplies, school contributions, remembering £2 every other day for something or other, extra curriculars, school lunches, meal planning and shopping, clothes shoes buying and shopping, days out and holiday clubs, pensions, savings and investments….

The list literally goes on and on and on, and all of the above I have to pay. And even if I’m financially able to pay all the above, it’s the time and brain power it takes throughout the year to budget for all this, ensure you’re getting the best rates, planning and shopping, actually paying the bill.

If someone could take responsibility for even some of those things, it would make my life immeasurably easier.

Where’s your DH? Why isn’t he parenting and supporting you?

Honestly? It baffles me that so many couples can no longer parent without relying on their own parents to help them. I know couples like this in real life as well.

We are miles from both sets of parents. We didnt have any help. We just got on with it because we are adults and could actually handle the kids I chose to have.

This! It is truly astounding how many people have kids and only when they're holding the baby do they think about childcare and money which then prompts a torrent of whinging and entitled expectations that friends, family and the workplace should all bend solely because they have failed to prepare for the children they have chosen to have.

I think the person that you're really pissed of and disappointed with is your DH.

But it's easier and safer to blame your family.

I’m the single/lone parent sibling in my family and you just sound incredibly entitled and precious OP to be quite frank. Maybe your sister looks at your life and wishes she had what you had - down to giving her child a sibling and being a family unit with the child’s dad. She’s worked hard for what she has. Picked Herself up from in your own words “going through a lot” What have you done?

You could work - you choose not to.
You could use childcare - you choose not to.

Then get a job.

Your sister has clearly worked hard to get to where she is. She had a child with someone who is clearly happy to step up financially. She is still a single parent.

She may look at you and your life and think you have it easy by affording to be a SAHM.

Rather than resenting her or your parents, you need to take responsibility for how you feel and either accept the situation. or get a job.

Well presumably your sister didn’t either, as she ‘worked her way up’ didn’t she? That’s how these things work! Sorry but if you’re not happy with the life you lead, you’re the only one who can change it. Focus on that instead of your jealousy over what you perceive your sister has over you. It shouldn’t be a race to the bottom.

Then that is a discussion you have either your husband. If he is not giving you time over the weekend that needs to change. I’ve been a single parent of 3 for decades now. It really isn’t easier, I promise.

And why would you talk about not being able tk afford a cleaner if you are a SAHM?

I can honestly say tha being a SAHM to two small children was MUCH harder than parenting school aged kids whilst working and DH was working away overseas for significant lengths of time. I know it’s not the same as being a single mum but I was solely responsible. But I could nip out at lunch to get a haircut etc when as a SAHM I didn’t do a single thing for myself (including basic medical care) for years because the coordination was too tricky.

But the fact the OP isn’t coping needs to be addressed with her husband, It isnt the fault of her sister or her parents.

She and her husband have chosen for her to be a SAHM, presumably because they deem it best for their family. The OP says there is no spare money for a cleaner.

The resentment from the OP for her parents and her sister is misplaced. How she feels about her life is clear from the OP but nobody was presumably forced into this situation so OP needs to take some responsibility and work forwards changing her life if it’s so awful rather than resenting the rest of the family

It’s not a competition.

Of course some situations are objectively harder than others.

Some ‘easier’ situations will have drawbacks (e.g. SAHP might miss the social life of work) that are real and have consequences for mental health.

ALL parenting is hard, and we have to deal with what is on our plate at any given time. And for any of us, even the very privileged, this can feel overwhelming at times and is deserving of empathy from others.

I hope if my children need help I will be understanding and listen to them without them feeling compared to their siblings.

And presumably you and your DH decided to have two children close enough in age to both be under school age at the same time and without reliable childcare options.

No choice is ever without its downsides.

But you weren’t solely responsible were you. Not for the finances for one. This is one of the major burdens of being a lone parent.

But you weren’t solely responsible? You had a partner who you could call to discuss things with? Who contributed to your bills?

it’s not remotely the same as being a single parent.

Everyone’s situation is different. Some single parents get steady, generous financial support from their exes, and some separated couples co-parent really well.

Some husbands/partners are a nightmare. Blow family money on themselves and get pissed all the time. Never help with the graft or covering emergencies.

Basically you are jealous your sister has progressed her career and you haven’t.

Stop whinging and go get a job, or a hobby!

What this thread has taught me is Mumsnet seems to hate SAHP. I would never post a thread wanting any support.

I don’t think that is correct. The OP is a SAHP complaining about her non-SAHP sister having it so easy (despite clearly working hard to get there). From many angles it might seem the OP has it easier than most even if she can’t afford a cleaner