To think being a single parent shouldn’t trump everything

[Unher10]

… when it comes to life being hard.

I have 2 kids under 4 and a husband and general family support. Husband works long hours which means I can stay at home and we do not have financial worries but equally I wouldn’t say we are wealthy in the sense that a cleaner etc would be too much of a luxury.

I am really struggling and feel like my parents don’t give a shit. My sister is a single parent to one child age 2 and is back at work, her daughter is in nursery four days a week and my sister works from home whenever she likes while also having a social life with work stuff.

Even though she has a huge income and hefty CMS payments, time to herself when niece’s dad spends time with her AND she has flexibility at work so can shop and go to the gym in peace during her lunch hour…my parents still feel sorry for her and will be at her beck and call if she needs anything, even though she rarely does!!!!

I have said I am not managing and fed up being with one or two children all day every day and they say sister doesn’t complain and she’s a single parent… literally anything I say the answer is she is a single parent and she copes so why can’t I. How are our situations even comparable?!??

I am close to my sister and wouldn’t say this to her as she’s been through a lot and I love her but the perspective that I have it all great in comparison in the eyes of my family just takes the piss. I don’t know what im asking really. Just want to let out my feelings as I feel so down today.

Christ the vipers are out tonight.

I get you OP, it feels like people dismiss anything if you’ve got a bit of help.

Yanu woman up and look after your kids.

i have 3 aged 5 and under and no help. If you don’t like it go back to work

Your parents see you as an at-home mum with a husband who brings home the bacon, and your sister as a divorcée with a toddler, a full time job and no husband. Your mum has forgotten how hard it is to be at home all day alone with two young children. I did both…I had a shop (at first, until he began toddling about, I took the baby to work..it was a kids’ togs n toy store so I was able to) . The days I was in the shop (after he went to childcare) were SO much easier than being at home. Babies/toddlers are hard work and it can be lonely. I was a single parent so didn’t have company at night, but I still feel for you. My mum said she had an awful time when we were all little (there were three of us), with dad out at work all day. But…soon your youngest will be old enough to go into daycare and you can go back to work. This isn’t your sister’s fault btw. Take care.

Yeah... Single mum here. Have worked my way up and got a good job, just starting to live our lives free of debt and having fun.

I have been made redundant. I have nobody else to rely on. No husband to talk to. No husband to lean on.

So while she may look like she is living well, it's always in the back of your mind that things can go very wrong very quickly.

Every single goddam thing is on you and you alone.

If you're fed up of being with one or two children all day every day, go back to work.
I think your sister has done amazing. It goes without saying that being a single parent is more challenging than being in a two parent household. Unless your spouse/ partner is a useless shit and if that's the case, that's where your problem lies.

A lot of mums will put their 12 month old babies into nursery when their maternity leave is up. A lot of mums probably don’t even have 12 months off. Have you worked before having children? Could you go back to work? I know it’s not for the money because your husband earns well, but for your mental health and sense of worth. Could your parents have the children for a day while you go back to work ?

I don’t understand what you mean - she already has the support needed to stay at home, OP even said they don’t have any financial worries.

I'm glad you have a good relationship with your sister. That is worth a lot.
Society doesn't promote or see as valuable, a parent looking after their own young children which for some is an option and a valid, rewarding one.

Your sister might give anything to be in your situation.
I would concentrate/focus on the positives that you have and try not to compare. We are all different. Value and appreciate (openly sometimes) your husband and children. They won't be young for long. You are doing a great job to spend time with them day to day.
You could join groups say at the local library, too. Let your sister and your parents do what they do and enjoy your own situation.

OP, yes, it’s hard being ‘on’ all the time. I was a stay at home mum, and then became a single parent.
There was no family support in either situation.
It is hard when the kids are small and you have to be on all the time. Can your husband not agree to give you more time to your self?

However, being a single parent is hard in so many other ways- worrying about every decision, all the bills, running the house.

Im not sure why you’re angry with your parents when you should be asking your husband for a break though.

That was another choice you made.
If you manage the children alone, there shouldn't be any reason he can't do the same to give you a break. Its no use complaining about your parents when its a husband problem.

You should never look at someone else and think their life is better. As a single mother you make all the decisions by yourself. You go to bed alone and you are always responsible. Your sister might look like everything is easy but she may be jealous that you have a husband and get to stay hime home. I have been both a SAHM and later a working single Parent. Both had their good and bad points. Just enjoy your life as jealously only hurts you.

Yes, being a single Mum does enable more in terms of benefits, top ups from UC, often not declared that DF is actually still around and living there, the general scamming.

However it seems your DS is actually on her own, working FT and a wfh role is something you've got to be able to show you're competent in, especially at the high earnings she's getting.

She's achieved this, are you a bit resentful you haven't built up your own career? You are a sahm, a role many will be envious of, but could have taken maternity leave and gone back to one, which could have included PT or wfh?

Sorry, I don't know know your personal circumstances, but your sister isn't a 'scrounger' but will of course get help being a single parent, which is challenging juggling FT job. X

What the hell? The woman has a good job. What makes you think she is claiming benefits or 'scrounging'/ 'scamming'?

I promise you that the “time to herself” when her ex has the kids is not this haven of luxurious self care you imagine. And it certainly is not akin to your situation where you have another parent there every single evening and every single weekend so you can take time to yourself and leave the kids with your partner far more flexibly.

I am a single mother and my ex sees my kids every other weekend. I cannot do activities on weeknights EVER because I have the kids every single weeknight. I cannot do weekly activities on the weekend because I would miss alternate ones. I never know far in advance how school holidays will pan out, if he will agree to certain things etc etc. On top of that, I have a full time job and parent the kids alone full time outside of working hours (except my luxurious every other weekend where I wash school uniforms and tidy up and sleep)….

If you’re dissatisfied with being a SAHM then make a change but don’t get ridiculously jealous of single parents - they really do have it the toughest and your lack of self awareness about that betrays your ignorance of how privileged you are to be raising two children with a husband and without having to work at all. Once they’re both at pre school or school, you’ll have vast swathes of days to yourself all week as well as help all evening and weekends.

Please read further when I said this clearly isn't the case for her. Xx

Its just swings and roundabouts isn't it?? She's getting more benefits and support from your parents but you have a loving husband 😊

Where's your husband? Not your sister's fault he's a half assed dad

Like anything you can't compare lives - what you have, she doesn't and visa versa. Sounds like you have a beautiful family unit that is together. She might want to be a stay at home mum but has to work, leaving her child in nursery 4 days a week. I wouldn't say that's a luxury, but a necessity.

I sort of understand where you’re coming from OP .
However, what I think you mean is that you get no child free time 🤔 and your sister does .
Your husband ought to be looking after the children sometimes so you get a break .
I know how it feels as I never got a break from my 3 children.
Husband was willing to go on a family day out , all of us together some weekends but he never ever looked after the children and he didn’t help in the house either .

Here's the solution OP-

1. Get a job, any job...work your way up to a senior role with lots of WFH & flexibility (maybe ask your sister for a job at her company?)

1. Put your kids in nursery

1. Leave your OH and become a single parent

Then you will be equal to your sister and don't need to envy her at all- job done!

This thread does seem very anti SAHM. While there are many different views there is plenty of evidence that this is the optimum position as far as kids are concerned as far as outcomes are concerned if mum is happy to do this.It appears OP is but would just like a little bit of support from her parents as is available to her sister. I don’t get the impression that she is jealous of her sister per se but merely wishes that her parents realise that they both have need of support for different but equally valid reasons. It’s a bit sad that so many posters seem to think the answer is for her to work and send her kids to nursery as soon as possible rather than look at alternatives to ease her load although there have been some positive suggestions for her to consider from a few posters. Nothing wrong if you choose not to be a SAHM but nothing wrong if you do.

There are hard things about both situations. You are looking after small children which is physically and emotionally tiring and you probably feel like you don’t get a break. You’re no doubt carrying a huge mental load of being a stay at home mum and being responsible for running the home, and sorting everyone’s needs.

Your sister is being a working parent which is really tough, and also carrying parenting without the support of a partner. Parents are not always the best for seeing the challenges of different situations and what they say doesn’t also equal the reality of how things are.
As others have said though, comparison really is the thief of joy and it’s best to try to focus on your family unit and what’s best for all of you. Try to find some time to escape and spend time with your partner, get a hobby, do fitness etc. And if it’s right for you go back to work.

Where exactly does it say this woman claims benefits or has more support from their parents?

I definitely understand your point OP.
As a single mother to 4 since my husband passed away, things haven’t always been easy, but I am so aware of how lucky I am in comparison to some!!! Having a partner doesn’t always make for an easy life either, as clashes in parenting styles / inequality in undertaking childcare can actually make life more challenging and disappointing than the upfront knowledge of what you have to undertake alone!!
Your sister has obviously worked hard for the benefits she now enjoys, which I’m sure you don’t begrudge!!! The issue here is the lack of understanding your parents are showing you when you’re feeling overwhelmed!!! Your feelings shouldn’t be undermined because your sister is a single parent, and certainly not with an ex who appears to play a significant role in her child’s life!! Your feelings shouldn’t be diminished because of her circumstances!!!
Life will get easier as your children get older, and you have the flexibility to work whilst they’re at school. Try to enjoy the time you have with them in the meantime!!! I didn’t have the ‘luxury’ to stay at home, and regularly feel guilt on that score. Saying that if you feel it would be better for your mental health to get a job (possibly PT) and interact with other adults, even if that meant most of your earnings going on childcare, it might be worth considering!!!

On a further note, in my workplace I’m now witnessing a single mother get preferential treatment over other staff due to her circumstances.
As a single mother myself I am sympathetic to her situation but can’t help being a bit put out that she is getting additional hours to other much more competent staff simply because she’s a single mum!!! Just because her colleagues are married / childless doesn’t mean that they aren’t in just as much need for the income!! Who knows what an individual’s personal circumstances are just because of these ‘labels’.
its not my department so not jealously, and the fact that she doesn’t complete work to the same standard as others yet enjoys preferential treatment because she’s a single mum seems unfair on others to me!!

So I definitely agree, being a single parent shouldn’t trump everything!!