To think being a single parent shouldn’t trump everything

[Unher10]

… when it comes to life being hard.

I have 2 kids under 4 and a husband and general family support. Husband works long hours which means I can stay at home and we do not have financial worries but equally I wouldn’t say we are wealthy in the sense that a cleaner etc would be too much of a luxury.

I am really struggling and feel like my parents don’t give a shit. My sister is a single parent to one child age 2 and is back at work, her daughter is in nursery four days a week and my sister works from home whenever she likes while also having a social life with work stuff.

Even though she has a huge income and hefty CMS payments, time to herself when niece’s dad spends time with her AND she has flexibility at work so can shop and go to the gym in peace during her lunch hour…my parents still feel sorry for her and will be at her beck and call if she needs anything, even though she rarely does!!!!

I have said I am not managing and fed up being with one or two children all day every day and they say sister doesn’t complain and she’s a single parent… literally anything I say the answer is she is a single parent and she copes so why can’t I. How are our situations even comparable?!??

I am close to my sister and wouldn’t say this to her as she’s been through a lot and I love her but the perspective that I have it all great in comparison in the eyes of my family just takes the piss. I don’t know what im asking really. Just want to let out my feelings as I feel so down today.

I do sympathise with you feeling overwhelmed and like your sister is getting a better deal than you. That's tough and can eat you up.
But look at your own attitude. You are coming across as a bit passive tbh.
If you want the independence and money and social life that sister has, go back over your options and see how you can make that happen for you. Or a version of it that suits you.
Good luck!

What a snidey comment.

OP said ‘She has worked her way up so in a more senior role and has loads of flexibility. She does often work into the evenings’

So not selling on Vinted then.

Being a single parent is so fucking hard. There’s no such thing as “having Saturday and Wednesday off”, as those days will also be full of logistics, then catching up for what you can’t juggle on the other days because IT’S JUST YOU. Just you. All the time. Every thought, every decision, every snack, every email, every party invite, every club. Just. You.

You’re completely right. Your situations are not comparable … having had my 2xDD when I was married to their Father. I have been a single parent since we separated. Trust me when I say that having a partner/husband even if he’s not available 24/7 makes a world of difference. You can’t know what it’s like to be a single parent … because you’re not one.

I agree - all the duties of a SAHP without the husband and with work commitments

I feel for you.

Your children are still very little but are you considering returning to work at some stage? I was far happier when working part time and I know that is true of many women.

I mean this kindly, but it sounds like your sister has a much more positive and proactive attitude than you. Your situations right now are largely the result of the natural consequences of your decisions. You’re both different people with different priorities. You feel like it’s easier for her because she has breaks from childcare, but maybe it’s really hard for her to not have her children living with her all the time. I think most people would disagree that being a stay at home parent is harder than being a parent AND going out to work, unless your children have serious special needs. By not having to do paid work, you’ve got a level of freedom that she doesn’t have - you’re just not appreciating it. Maybe your parents are admiring how hard your sister has worked and how she gets on with it and from their perspective, you’re not appreciating what you have.

Who cares what other people think anyway? The important thing is for you to look at yourself and your own life and if you’re dissatisfied, take steps to improve it.

It sounds to me like you just need your parents to listen to you when you tell them you’re struggling and for them to try and understand. To effectively tell you that it’s not as bad as your sister has it isn’t fair. That’s not how we should treat others. We don’t hear someone say “I’m being abused by my husband” and then reply with “but at least you don’t live in Ukraine or Iran like my friend does, she’s got it really tough”. You don’t hear someone say “I’m finding it hard living in a war zone” and then reply with “but at least it’s not 1940s in WW2 as that was a lot worse than you’ve got it”. No, we listen and try to understand and sympathise. Obviously these are extreme examples, but when someone talks about their struggles it’s only fair to hear them out. Maybe your sister needs different help to you. Maybe you need your Mum to simply listen and reply with “I feel for you. I remember those days and remember how hard it was”.

I was a SAHM when my kids were little. It was HARD. Amazing and rewarding, but bloody hard. I think if I was having a tough day as a SAHM back in the day when my eldest never ever eeeeever slept and I told someone how difficult the day had been and they turned around and said “well it’s harder for Sarah than it is for you” then it might’ve been my absolute mental breaking point for me.

It’s not a race to the bottom of how shit the support is for mothers.

i think life for single mothers is very very very hard. If you have a partner it is easier, unless they are a complete wanker. Unfortunately The bar has to be very low for you to be better off being a single mother in the UK even in 2026

Or she can get over herself and realise that she should be annoyed at her husband for not helping and not projecting hate in her parents or sister

Sorry bit confused by this comment- I went back when my child was 5 months old. Most people are back working when their child is 12 months in some capacity. Super lucky if someone can afford longer than that!

I get the feeling that maybe the parents are sick of hearing her out, sick of hearing her moaning about a situation she put herself in, and continues to actively keep herself in. (Disclaimer: if this was an abusive or dangerous situation she was coerced or forced into then I obviously wouldn’t be saying this. But it’s not)

I’d also really like to know what OP expects of her parents, what they’re actually offering and what their own situation is.

Comparison is the thief of joy...sometimes, not always, the same thing.

Try it before you slag it off Op.

Try being the only option when your child needs you and you feel like crap with menstrual cramps, flu, a migraine.

Try being the one who answers ALL the questions, who reads ALL the stories, who tidies up ALL the toys, who cooks ALL the meals, does ALL the bedtimes, ALL the bath times, deals with ALL the tantrums, ALL the school runs.

Enjoy being the one who does ALL the life admin, keeps track of ALL the money, ALL the spending, deals with ALL the trades and workmen when things need fixing, sorts out ALL the insurance, MOT, garage and general car stuff

Have fun being the one who makes ALL the decisions, every single one, about EVERYTHING , on your own, with no one to discuss options with, pick brains with, and no one to blame if things go wrong.

And if you do get to go on holiday enjoy being the one who doesn’t get a minute to relax knowing someone else is taking the kids swimming, building sand castles on the beach, watching them paddling, getting them and the luggage on and off a plane without losing either a favourite teddy or you patience and temper because you have been up since five o’clock in the morning.

You're joking right? Yes, the OP doesn't appear to have it harder than the sister, but let's not think that this excuses the parents behaviour.

As far as I can see both the OP and the sister are doing well for themselves. The OP shouldn't concern herself with the parents choices on how they spend their time or their resources. However that doesn't negate the fact that there is a disparity in parental attention.

I agree with your op. i put yanbu as your parents should not compare you to your sister either. Regardless of your situation if you say you are struggling etc they should not say you shouldn't be because your sister x y and z.they should just focus on your situation independently

Lol

Chose to have a second
Chose to not further your career
Chose to be a SAHM

Oh well

No, you can start part time and work towards more hours as the kids get older. Plus the extra money could pay for a cleaner.
Being a sahp is not for everyone.

Comparison is the thief of joy - so the saying goes.

How is there a disparity? Point out, from the OPs own words, how they treat them differently or offer different levels of support. OP even says her sister rarely even asks for support!

What behaviour exactly should they be trying to excuse?

It sounds to me like OP is going through a hard time, regularly moaning at her parents and asking them for support, and they are baffled she’s struggling with the support she has around her, and the fact that she could choose to not be in her situation. She could choose to put the children in nursery for a couple of half days or full, she could choose to go back to work and earn a job that affords her flexibility and financial security, she could choose the leave her husband if he is feckless and not parenting adequately with her. But she’s not, instead she’s comparing herself to her sister, being dismissive and nasty about her.

'Comparison is the thief of happiness' so the saying goes!

To be honest I don’t know what you are complaining about, some single parents would love to be able to stay at home with their kids and just can’t. So yes I think you are being extremely unreasonable. If you aren’t happy, change things, it’s within your control.

This 100pc

No, not ‘This 100pc’… read the thread, the sister does not have any extra support from their parents, in fact OP specifically says she rarely even asks for support from them.

Id love to know what OP is actually asking or expecting of her parents.