To think being a single parent shouldn’t trump everything

[Unher10]

… when it comes to life being hard.

I have 2 kids under 4 and a husband and general family support. Husband works long hours which means I can stay at home and we do not have financial worries but equally I wouldn’t say we are wealthy in the sense that a cleaner etc would be too much of a luxury.

I am really struggling and feel like my parents don’t give a shit. My sister is a single parent to one child age 2 and is back at work, her daughter is in nursery four days a week and my sister works from home whenever she likes while also having a social life with work stuff.

Even though she has a huge income and hefty CMS payments, time to herself when niece’s dad spends time with her AND she has flexibility at work so can shop and go to the gym in peace during her lunch hour…my parents still feel sorry for her and will be at her beck and call if she needs anything, even though she rarely does!!!!

I have said I am not managing and fed up being with one or two children all day every day and they say sister doesn’t complain and she’s a single parent… literally anything I say the answer is she is a single parent and she copes so why can’t I. How are our situations even comparable?!??

I am close to my sister and wouldn’t say this to her as she’s been through a lot and I love her but the perspective that I have it all great in comparison in the eyes of my family just takes the piss. I don’t know what im asking really. Just want to let out my feelings as I feel so down today.

As others have said, OP would have got more support if she’d have framed it along the lines of her husband being unable to look after both children at once so she could get some downtime, instead of being jealous of her sister. This problem is a DH problem IMO.

I think you may have some reading comprehension issues if that’s what you’ve taken from this thread.

All parents have it tough, parenting is just a tough job all round. I personally couldn’t be a SAHP because I would find it too difficult/mind numbing/isolating/tiring. I applaud those who thrive in the role.

The issue people are having here is that OP has insinuated that she should have more support than her sister because she has it ‘easy’ as a single parent, when it’s clear that this woman doesn’t have it easy, she’s worked hard and faces different challenges to OP.

It’s the comparison that people have an issue with.

It’s usually a voluntary position, and if it’s not suiting you (as it doesn’t suit vast numbers of people), then you always have the option of returning to the workplace.

I agree with posters saying that it's not the SAHM thing that is the issue, it's the unfair comparison with her sister. I am not a SAHM because I know it is tough. But I took time and effort to build my career before having children. It is very unreasonable to complain about the sister having a great job with flexibility that she worked very hard to get, when OP is not willing to put in the time and effort to have the same. Also it is unreasonable to not realise that very few families can manage on one income, so whether she is happy being a SAHM or not, she is in a relatively privileged position.

OP, the only person who can fix your situation is you. Put your younger child in nursery, go back to work, and build your career. Then you can have the flexibility to go to the gym at lunchtime like your sister does.

I get it. You are struggling and the assistance from your parents, from your post, appears to be very one sided towards helping your sister.

You need to look at what you can change in your life to give you a break, as yes, parenting small children 24-7 is exhausting.

Maybe be honest with your parents that although you have a husband, as he works away so much you are on your knees. Is there a possibility they could help to give you a break if you spell it out to them?
If they refuse, then you are going to need to look at ways to find that break yourself. Whether that is your husband takes the kids out when he is around, you get in paid help, you suck it up knowing it is temporary until they qualify for free childcare/school, make a mum circle with similar parents so you can do reciprocal child swaps. There will be a way.

You get to stay at home with your children, not work and not worry about money. I bet your sister would swap with you in a heartbeat.

What’s the real problem here OP?

You can struggle as part of a couple but you have another adult to give emotional support...or is that the issue.
I am single parent. No help or shared care etc no maintenance. I am also carer to my mum and work 2 jobs. Its hard. There is no financial support so if I dont earn the money there is none. Also no emotional support from.
No one wants to play human Top Trumps...v few people's lives are as you see Your sister may hate working into the evenings. My family prob think I love doing a second job/self employed work alongside my day job. No I don't.
Put your DC into nursery and work..its not easy. Although having some time away from children is nice :) .The grass isnt always greener . Your sister prob wishes was a SAHM.

They chose her over you.

There it is, the hard truth. They are favouring your sister over you. All of the history and reasons and excuses they gave are a waste of your time and energy to ponder.

If you want to know why, confront your parents directly and succinctly. Don't beat around the bush or pander to any familial sense of loyalty. Just be up front and honest with them. Ask them why they are showing preferential treatment to her over you. Don't let them make excuses or sidestep the issue. Demand they answer that exact question.

If you can do this, and they break down and answer honestly, you'll have your answer. If they I sist on denying their actions, then you'll have still another answer. You will then have to decide how you want to proceed with parents that are too cowardly and weak to face the truth of their actions. They definitely won't like it or you at the end, but you'll have the information you need to decide your next step.

All a bit dramatic really. ‘Confronting’
‘demand’
’next move’

And what would you expect the outcome to be? They perhaps don’t see the need to help a couple which includes a SAHP.

Do people not just talk instead of confront?

Because she wants to be at home with her children and many studies demonstrate that this almost always gives kids the best start in life and usually better long term prospects generally. She just wants a little bit of the support her sister has to enable her to do this.

You are able to stay at home, she can’t. You also don’t have the pressure of being the only adult who earns- you’ve made the choice to do that but you could have a two income household if need be.
Having a partner who works long hours is not the same as being a single parent. If you are sick, you have someone to take over. If you need to run an errand, you have an alternative.

Until you’ve done it, I wouldn’t be making out that you are in the same boat. You sound very bitter

I'm giving her real actions to resolve her issue. Drama is for overly emotional adults and children. Face the problem or live a life of doubt and misery.

Or, we can do the normal way and pander to everyone's ego. Feeling our way around a subject and resolving nothing.

OP: My way will give you results. You might not like them, but you'll have the answer to your question.

I know how you feel. Its really tiring being at stay at home mum. I've recently gone back to work and I've got an 1 and 4 year old and it's still tiring but 100% better for my mental health. I can't believe, looking back how worn out I was. I barely had the energy to brush my hair. Now I'm getting used to working and feel like I have more energy.
But I suppose your sister has to put her child to bed every night and get them up every morning solo while you have a partner. It does help having a extra person.

Instead of the best thing you can do for your kids if it’s what you’re minded to do.

OP come on - you can’t really be serious.
She’s a single parent, working and raising kids - you too are raising kids BUT you have a partner to help and who works to support your family, and you don’t have to work outside the home! You have all advantages - even if it doesn’t feel like it!
Ok your sister has a good job - but you could get a job and work your way up too.
Ok she gets time at lunch - you could get a job and have this too.
Ok she gets time away from the kids when they are with their father - you could easily do this too, when your DH looks after them.

Please acknowledge your privileges OP. Most/all of your perceived disadvantages are purely through your own choices.

And no, talking is for chatterboxes. Talking isn't the same as communicating. People rarely communicate, spending most of their efforts talking small problems into larger ones.

Real communication takes guts and exposes your vulnerable side. It's brave and hard. Real communication is about laying all of the truth on the table and seeing if those you care about want to be adults or fearful children hiding from reality.

No, I'm not being dramatic, I'm showing the OP how to communicate like an adult.

I agree with OP.

Single parenting IS hard, but if you have a positive co-parenting arrangement, then you also get a fair amount of free time to yourself. As the children get older, you may split school holidays, have a whole weekend or even 2 weeks to yourself if the other parent takes them on holiday.

You may have a whole 24-48 hours childfree to do as you please, sleep as long as you want, not cook, all the mundane things. This is needed.

As parents who are still together, you do not get the same amount of child free time as this. One parent may get a "day" to themselves but still come home to children who want their attention or go straight into doing things around the house because you wont have any other time.

Well she is complaining that she can’t afford a cleaner etc and she gets stressed being at home.

So she has a choice of continuing or getting a job.

But you have twice the people to do everything.

Single working parents have to work and do the household grind and deal with the children

Well this is a whole load of words for a whole lot of shit? 😅 Where exactly are they favouring OP?

“… when it comes to life being hard.
I have 2 kids under 4 and a husband and general family support.

“…my parents still feel sorry for her and will be at her beck and call if she needs anything, even though she rarely does!!!!”

How is this the parents choosing the sister over OP? To me it sounds like OP is constantly moaning at them and they can’t understand why.

Really? There are also many studies that prove children thrive and progess much more quickly, particularly in relation to independence and social skills, if they attend a nursery or other multi-child setting from a young age.

Sorry, what support does the sister have that OP doesn’t? Am I reading a different thread?

That's really a choice of the couple though. The could still have a child free day or two days if the other partner took over all childcare. When you become a single parent you don't suddenly unlock the skills required to look after children on your own. Those skills have always been there. It's just that some parents feign uselessness.

Exactly. The sister has clearly worked her arse off to get where she is. That is her choice like its the OP’s and her husband’s choice for her to be a SAHP.

I can imagine the post the other way around with the sister asking if she’s unreasonable to be annoyed that her married-with-two-children SAHP sister is complaining that it’s not fair that she doesn’t get support (despite having a husband)

Presumably although the father pays well, that isn’t guaranteed and could theoretically stop at some point.

I could hazard an idea! Obviously I mean ‘selling on vinted’!