AIBU to refuse moving in if asked to pay half his mortgage?

[HolyCheeses]

I have a small house here which I am renovating alone with a view to then downsize slightly leaving me with a smaller mortgage (I have 3 adult 18+ DC all at uni/jobs living independently)

My Boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years

Hes almost finishing renovating a huge property with an annexe for his parents. Hes asked me to move and has asked me to be very involved with decision making for the home -

Hes 8 weeks away from being able to move back in and has been asking about planning and pushing for me to give him a date for relocation . I told him we’d need to discuss finances first. His idea of fair varies massively from mine.

He has proposed we split the bills down the middle 50:50 and the same for his mortgage.

They would leave me worse off than where I am now. Having to find and settle into a new job and location is a risk as it is and I’d have no disposable income after such huge living costs

He earns twice what I do and I don’t feel comfortable paying towards a mortgage of a property I’d not have a stake in subsidising his asset whilst diminishing my financial stability.

he cannot see my point of view at all and has told me I’d pay the same in rent in a flat but that’s not the point - I’d be better off where I am

i am being unreasonable- he’s seems bereft and stunned I’m not leaping at the chance to move next month!??

If he expects you to pay 50% of the mortgage and bills how much are his parents contributing, or do they get to live rent free. If you pay towards the mortgage you need to be on the deeds, I'd not bother moving in and stay in your own house, if you sell up he'd want that money too.

This nicely sums up the whole thread in less than 25 words.

(The council tax and utilities on this mega house will be huge compared to your current house)

No there wouldn’t be much left after maintenance and bills are paid and tax

i don’t want to rent it out as it might not be easy to go back to if I have tenants in place and I’d also have to find a job again

I'm firmly set on ending the relationship to be honest with you.

I like what op said about scaling down and preparing for retirement rather than taking on more debt

Agree entirely

Hold your line, OP.
He's the only one who will benefit from you moving in with him.

So he’s bought a property too big - thought he could get you to help fund it without any legal claim - but hey you get “a say” because he painted some rooms certain colours (whoopy do)
and now is pulling “I need to get a lodger then”. Because you the “lodger” he had lined up has said “erm maybe not”

I would say “look if you needed my financial contribution towards this property then I should have been part of the process from the beginning, from house hunting, to mortgage agreement, deeds and the arrangements of living so adjacent to your parents. But I was only involved with a bit of paint at the end if you need a lodger to make this work then get one I am going to keep my stability and financial independence for the time being”. If you want to add “I do love you and hope you love me so hope you can see it from my stance right now”

And his parents, they can contribute 50% instead

He’s now told you that he will need to get a lodger. This confirms that he needs you to move in to prop him (and his parents) up financially. He can’t afford this house on his own.

Don't even consider this. A fair man wouldn't ask you to pay half towards everything when he earns twice as much as you. He is using you to supplement his income.

Lol imagine if he'd got his parents to already agree to 50% and now he's trying to get OP to do the rest 😂

I would steer clear of any arrangements that left you worse off than you are now. If your partner can't afford the entirety of bills and expenses of his new house alone he needs to think of a solution that doesn't depend on you. It sounds like he has already, his lodger plan, so he can run with that.

No doubt he'll expect op and her daughters to look after them too

Do not contribute to a mortgage of a property you have no stake in.

You could be putting that money into building capital on a property of your own.

If he's not marrying you, do not pay for his big house & granny annex!

Not yet rtft but paying lots to live with his parents (even in annexe) is a no from me!

This would give me the ick and I wouldn’t move in.
I don’t think any financial solution would be right for both of you.

If he has planned his finances based on you paying half thanks on him not you, you don’t have to subsidise him, would be fair to split all bills except the mortgage and he pays that?

He is probably charging the parents the other 50%, so everyone else is subsidising him. 🤷‍♀️🤔

Are his parents contributing anything into this set up? For all you know, they could be chipping into his 50% contribution so really you’re paying more than anyone!

For me, the parents would be the biggest concern. Are you expected to help to care for them?

Setting the finances aside for a moment, I think his inability to see your pov is a red flag. Unless he has a learning disability, it’s not difficult to understand what you’re saying. It isn’t baffling. He’s choosing not to understand what doesn’t suit him.

Does he have form for that @HolyCheeses ?

The second red flag is that he’s not thinking of you. Most people, considering moving in together, automatically think it through from the other person’s pov. That’s more than listening to what you’re saying.

The third flag is that he doesn’t seem to care that you’ll be put at a disadvantage. Even if, giving him the benefit of the doubt, he doesn’t understand your figures, a decent man would pause at the idea that you would be financially worse off.

Money is one of those tricky topics that can be difficult to get to grips with, because it has meanings and associations, and we may put value on different things, feel secure with different amounts. It’s easy to get confused or gaslit.

Sometimes when someone has everything all worked out, it can be hard to shift gear or have to start again from scratch. Maybe that’s all that’s going here, and he needs time to adjust? But if the three flags I’ve pointed out are relationship patterns, that’s more serious.

Two purses even!!!

(Apologies for being a bit crude but honestly!)

So glad you’re rethinking this relationship.

You have told him how you feel about this huge change in your life and he is not listening to you. 🚩

I wouldn’t want to live with a man who cannot look at things from my point of you.

The whole money aspect is very unfair and very unattractive but so is living next door to his parents. He's also talking about getting a lodger. Sounds like his finances are actually a bit tight if he can't manage without another income?

With regards to his parents what ages are they, are they in good health, is there any expectation that he (and by default you) will have to care for them or contribute to their care?

He's not the man for you Op, he thinks living in a big house with him is a win for you both when really all the advantages go to him. He's not a man whose madly in love with you if his first thought was he'd get a lodger if you didn't move in, he's all about his money and keeping it for him.

Your gut instinct is correct. I am married and even so we split things percentage-wise according to salary. It's only fair. Personally I wouldn't be moving in until and yh less married or with something signed to protect the share of the mortgage I would be contributing to, and that doesn't need to be 50%. Tell him you can't afford it.

Be very careful about this for your kids. I know they are living independently but life can change.

Yes he's decorated a room but if they needed to live there because of a relationship breakdown, redundancy or illness, what strings would be attached?

It's up to you if you end the relationship but moving now and in these circumstances isn't in your best interest.

Finish your house and make a decision for you. If he loves you then he'll wait longer for living together. But my hunch would be he's overstretched himself and is thinking about himself rather than you.

You’ve gone from “how does this sound” to “I’m ending the relationship” all in 100 strangers posts. That’s a bit wow, to be honest.