AIBU to refuse moving in if asked to pay half his mortgage?

[HolyCheeses]

I have a small house here which I am renovating alone with a view to then downsize slightly leaving me with a smaller mortgage (I have 3 adult 18+ DC all at uni/jobs living independently)

My Boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years

Hes almost finishing renovating a huge property with an annexe for his parents. Hes asked me to move and has asked me to be very involved with decision making for the home -

Hes 8 weeks away from being able to move back in and has been asking about planning and pushing for me to give him a date for relocation . I told him we’d need to discuss finances first. His idea of fair varies massively from mine.

He has proposed we split the bills down the middle 50:50 and the same for his mortgage.

They would leave me worse off than where I am now. Having to find and settle into a new job and location is a risk as it is and I’d have no disposable income after such huge living costs

He earns twice what I do and I don’t feel comfortable paying towards a mortgage of a property I’d not have a stake in subsidising his asset whilst diminishing my financial stability.

he cannot see my point of view at all and has told me I’d pay the same in rent in a flat but that’s not the point - I’d be better off where I am

i am being unreasonable- he’s seems bereft and stunned I’m not leaping at the chance to move next month!??

Please don't give up your security and go from being a home owner to a renter. Either keep your house or stick with your original plan and get your own new place. That could be near your boyfriend if you want to stay with him.

You have no idea what it will be like living with your boyfriend and his parents. If you hate it you will have left yourself with no quick escape route.

I’d been having these feelings for a few months

I’m not going to waste any more time - I’ve already lost 22 years to a shit marriage.

id certainly not make a snap decision about anything these days let alone based on what some people I don’t know say.

it is possible to love someone and know that it won’t work for ME

I bet that’s exactly what he has planned

I’d worry that the longer term plan is for you to look after his parents as they get older and frail - if he loves you he will respect your wishes. Being worse off financially to live with him and his parents is only a good idea- if you are him

Aside from all the financial side of things, it would be you stepping in dealing with any crises his parents had if he was out / at work etc wouldn’t it.

This

He's waving so many red flags.

No, you need to come up with a solution that benefits you both, not just him!

He asked you to move in and has a spreadsheet with your 50% contribution on it, when you haven't even had a discussion about how the finances would work. Personally, hell would freeze over before I moved in. He's the only one gaining. Thanks but no thanks.

Wonder how old the parents are and if he thinks she will look after them as they age too.

Why have you decided to end the relationship? I agree that he is asking too much but can’t you just say that you aren’t prepared to be financially worse off so need to make other plans , and keep the relationship but not live together?

edited- sorry, just seen your post at 8.23

I wouldn’t move in. He wants you to subsidise his lifestyle, and he’s lining you up as a carer for his parents.

If his parents became infirm who's going to be the carer?

I wouldn't even pay 30% of a mortgage I wasn't on the paperwork for.
How much are his parents paying?
What's the betting they are paying a chunk too leaving him with little to pay?

Run a mile OP this man doesn't love you he's just looking for someone to subsidise his bills.

He used to buy hookers?

is that not enough of a red flag?

If you don't want to end things you could tell him you'll stay as you are for now and see how he gets on with his lodger arrangement. If he doesn't like that and wants to end it with you, you know where you stand. The other point is, what would happen if you moved in but were unable to work for some reason? Would he expect you to leave so he could get a lodger?
Harsh realities to face here OP.

Totally with you OP I would not move from being independent in my own home into a situation that would cost me more and I’d have fewer rights and less control. Him wanting you to pay 50-50 is terrible when he earns a lot more and gets the benefit of owning the property as you pay it off. And the parents are another issue, it’s not their fault but if he’s not planning for you to care for them I’ll eat me hat. All this shows he has very little thought for your feelings or what’s right for you. It would be dumpsville for me too.

I’ve been separated from my kids’ dad for 10 years and having my own flat is my pride and joy. I’m not that fussed about having a relationship, but if Mr Right came along he would not be living with me/me with him, ever and I would never give up my own place for a shared financial situation. One good thing about being older and having been around the block is being wise to situations like this.

I think OP means her ex.

The ex threw money around and bought hookers.

The current chap thinks OP should pay through the nose for the honour of living with him and his parents.

OP, tell him you can’t love a man who would expect you to put yourself in penury to be with him.

Well thats stupid game playing isnt it, why suggest marriage if you dont want to

And Im not talking about just this thread Im talking about the general gist of advice on here that marriage is the solution and always better. It completely eradicates your financial independence.

So he's a man in his 50s who has taken on a vanity project (look at me in my big house), he can't afford it & wants you to pay for it?

What a catch

His parents in the annexe would send me running for the hills.

old MN line from me He has told you who he is. Believe him.

I'm not really sure what to think about this because he seems to have made such an effort to be inclusive of your DC, and to involve you in decisions relating to the renovation. I may have missed this but did he already own this property before you got together, or was it bought with a view to you living together and having room for his parents to have an annex and your children to visit? I'm assuming the former, in which case he should already have worked his numbers to afford everything himself. You sound too level headed to have got involved in the latter without the finances having been discussed fully beforehand.
I could almost (and I stress almost) see his point about 'it only being what you'd pay in rent' if you were actually paying rent.
I think you could work out your monthly costs (not including your mortgage), and see how that compares with the anticipated costs of his place (again not including the mortgage) and see what number you get. If that is roughly in the order of a proportional contribution based on income, that is was you pay, and no more.
However I would have every sympathy if it's already too late for this relationship.

That was my thought too.

Stay where you are OP.

@HolyCheeses I would sit down with him and explain if you pay 50% of the mortgage and bills you would have no extra money, which would presumably lead you to using up your money from your property selling and leaving you with no financial security
I would give him a few options

1. Split the bills but not the mortgage and maybe you pay a slightly higher percentage of the bills but work out how much you could afford to pay whilst also having enough to save some money to keep you financially secure if anything went wrong
2. Speak about marriage and if he wants a prenup, to protect his portion of the equity he's already got in the property then you get the same on the equity you've got from yours and then any equity built after this point is 50/50 or 30/70 (then split mortgage payments accordingly)
3. Buy a property you can afford nearby to keep your financial security and remain living separately but nearby