AIBU to refuse moving in if asked to pay half his mortgage?

[HolyCheeses]

I have a small house here which I am renovating alone with a view to then downsize slightly leaving me with a smaller mortgage (I have 3 adult 18+ DC all at uni/jobs living independently)

My Boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years

Hes almost finishing renovating a huge property with an annexe for his parents. Hes asked me to move and has asked me to be very involved with decision making for the home -

Hes 8 weeks away from being able to move back in and has been asking about planning and pushing for me to give him a date for relocation . I told him we’d need to discuss finances first. His idea of fair varies massively from mine.

He has proposed we split the bills down the middle 50:50 and the same for his mortgage.

They would leave me worse off than where I am now. Having to find and settle into a new job and location is a risk as it is and I’d have no disposable income after such huge living costs

He earns twice what I do and I don’t feel comfortable paying towards a mortgage of a property I’d not have a stake in subsidising his asset whilst diminishing my financial stability.

he cannot see my point of view at all and has told me I’d pay the same in rent in a flat but that’s not the point - I’d be better off where I am

i am being unreasonable- he’s seems bereft and stunned I’m not leaping at the chance to move next month!??

Yes he is. I found this reassuring at first as ex was ridiculously generous. To the point he was funding lots of other people- he used to buy friendships, hookers, massive apology gifts/holidays/etc etc

Him inviting you to move in is a lazy kind of proposition that mainly benefits him. I wouldn't answer that question but actually ask two similar but different questions. The first decision is do you want to live together? If yes, the second question is where will you build a life together? It should be a joint decision that involves deciding location, property, lifestyle etc jointly. Moving in with someone is a trap. It's too easy for one party and too much of an upheaval for the other. It embeds an imbalance in the relationship from the start. I would say you either jointly agree a location of where you will live and choose a house together to move into, or you don't do it at all.

I’m heartened to see most of the responses on here plus reading the OP’s posts. Women are finally waking up to this bullshit and refusing to give up our lives and freedoms for greedy men!

After all you’ve been through OP and how hard you have fought to get where you are, you should be extremely proud of yourself and you’re instinct is right to not give this up for a man! I wonder if he factored your contributions in all along, and just assumed you’d be amenable to it and is now pissed off that he isn’t getting someone else that is willing to pay half his mortgage! Cheeky fucker.

The finances need to benefit everyone. When now DH first moved in with me he moved into a flat I owned but we did split everything 50 50, however this was considerably cheaper for him than the fever and bills he had been paying and in a nicer area, so it worked for both of us. Your situation is very different as he's comparing to market rent but you're not renting you have your own property. DH and I now jointly own a house and don't pay 50 50, I earn more than he does so I pay more, we work it out so we both have the same disposable income each month after bills, expenses and savings are set aside. But we're married and have been together 16 years and have a child together.

It's not just about the money. I think he wants you there so you could look after his parents

Are his parents moving into the annexe? Are they elderly and is he therefore expecting you to support them?

I might’ve missed the answer to this but how much will his parents be paying? He shouldn’t have taken on the mortgage if he’d need other people to contribute to it.

Living alone is expensive these days but if my boyfriend moved in I’d expect him to pay half the bills plus a bit extra to cover wear and tear. Actually paying for the house is my responsibility as I own it.

Does your DP have any friends to discuss this with?? Men don’t seem to talk about their relationships with other people but if they did maybe they would understand when they are being unreasonable

Anyone pushing or rushing you to make a huge financial and lifestyle commitment or change does not have your best interests at heart.

His urgency gives the impression that this is all about his wants and needs.

He’s not listening to you or respecting you so out yourself first. His behaviour would have me backing away from the relationship.

Look the problem is that you’d be going ‘all in’ by selling your house. Why would you give up financial security for a ‘boyfriend’ ?

If you renting out your house covered your proportion of the mortgage on his that would be fine - but ALL bills have to be proportional to income so that one party is not disadvantaged just by living with the other.

You literally will have less money moving in with him - who would do that ?

When I lived with my ex (no kids involved), I earned double what he did. Every month we each transferred money into a joint account to cover mortgage, groceries, all bills etc. I transferred double what he did, to reflect my higher income. It would have felt unfair to do it any other way.

Out of sheer curiosity, have you at any point suggested to him that you go on the title deeds in return for your contribution? How did he react if so?

You shouldn't subsidise him. The only world in which you pay 50% of his mortgage is when you become 50% owner of the property.

No. Why should you pay half the mortgage for no stake in the property. I wouldn’t agree to this unless I was married and even then not
half if he was earning more than me. I would also have reservations about living in such close proximity to his parents.

The point about the holiday stood out for me. Has he ever genuinely wrapped his head around the fact that he’s fallen in love with someone who can’t afford his lifestyle? Some people get really hung up on the idea that living in a bigger house must always be “better”. However if that means giving up your peace of mind, in this case by making finances too tight, a lot of us would say it’s not worth it.
As he’s a spreadsheets guy, offering to rent out your house and use the NET rent after tax and landlord expenses to pay him rent might work because at least he would see the reality of it in black & white.

I agree @Namechangerage that creating rooms for the children might be emotional manipulation. But it didn’t appear that, other than his fixed attitude to the finances, there were other red flags in his behaviour towards the OP. Some people need a bit of a steer to see another’s point of view (particularly with money). Others are beyond redemption. I just wasn’t quite clear which camp this man was in. But you may well be right and I am
sure OP has her head on straight and will make the right call.

I’d say he’s slightly deluded and ye need to talk- I don’t think he’s necessarily trying to dupe you by having bedrooms for your kids or that he’s a freeloader and we don’t know you need to ltb!!!

What happens if he dies unexpectedly?
What happens if your kids need to move in for a time due to redundancy or a breakup? Would they be allowed? How much contribution would he want from them?
What happens if you split up in 10 years time after paying all your money into his house?
What happens if his parents need care in the future? (If they are already unwell and have put money into this house, this could be considered deprivation of assets by social services - look it up)
What happens if you can’t get a job in the new location? Will he pay everything for a time? And will that be from generosity or will you have to pay it off in the future?

Questions to think about and also to ask him. But no open and generous man would ask you to get into a situation where you would have no money left after paying the household costs. So either he doesn’t know about what 50/50 would do to your finances or he does know but doesn’t care. Neither of those options are good.

A bigger house costs a lot more day to day and maintenance. The monthly repayment only one part.
Would you suggest moving in as a tenant a cost for rent and bills but I'd imagine this will also be expensive.
Your family are now adults well done, if I were you I'd want to be focused on reducing work getting towards retirement not taking on debt.
Good luck with it all

There's no way I’d be risking the roof over my head (and possibly children’s heads here) for a man.
The proposition of moving in with him and his parents and it costing me more is a firm No. I don’t care what colour he’s painted the walls.
If you want to live together, buy a house together.
It's the elderly parents in the garden that I’m concerned about, you’ll be caring for them full time while he’s at work.

Please don’t do it! You will end being a carer when they are elderly, and trapped in a home you can’t sell with lodgers in the garden, and no feasible way of moving on!

No!

The reality is you can’t afford half of this huge house and tbh it sounds like he can’t afford it on his own and plans to move you in so he has more free money. The talking to your kids about colours etc all sounds a bit manipulative.
ids say you earn more than me if you want me to move in we pro rata this 70/30 or he’s pays mortgage on his own and you both split utilities/food.
otherwise there’s no benefit to you moving in.
and keep your house money totally separate unless he’s willing to put you on the mortgage. You may need a plan B at some point.

Are you including the revenue of renting your current property in your income? If you are, yes, what you pay should be proportionate to your total income.

Would you be selling your house to move in with him? Or renting it out. I’m just thinking about your children’s future or inheritance if you sink all your money in his house.

So he couldn’t treat you to a holiday when you were financially stretched by your divorce even though he earns twice as much ? Is he earmarking you as a carer for his parents in time to come ? Think carefully, he sounds selfish and mean. You will be very useful to him both financially and as a potential caregiver but what’s in it for you ? Why would you pay off his house when you’re not on the deeds, what a freeloader. Is he getting annoyed because his plan isn’t working . I think a life of peace and freedom in your terrace sounds much nicer.