AIBU to refuse moving in if asked to pay half his mortgage?

[HolyCheeses]

I have a small house here which I am renovating alone with a view to then downsize slightly leaving me with a smaller mortgage (I have 3 adult 18+ DC all at uni/jobs living independently)

My Boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years

Hes almost finishing renovating a huge property with an annexe for his parents. Hes asked me to move and has asked me to be very involved with decision making for the home -

Hes 8 weeks away from being able to move back in and has been asking about planning and pushing for me to give him a date for relocation . I told him we’d need to discuss finances first. His idea of fair varies massively from mine.

He has proposed we split the bills down the middle 50:50 and the same for his mortgage.

They would leave me worse off than where I am now. Having to find and settle into a new job and location is a risk as it is and I’d have no disposable income after such huge living costs

He earns twice what I do and I don’t feel comfortable paying towards a mortgage of a property I’d not have a stake in subsidising his asset whilst diminishing my financial stability.

he cannot see my point of view at all and has told me I’d pay the same in rent in a flat but that’s not the point - I’d be better off where I am

i am being unreasonable- he’s seems bereft and stunned I’m not leaping at the chance to move next month!??

What about your children? They may need to move back home at some point, I would keep my own house for that alone.

It was mentioned a little while ago and he mentioned a pre-nup/financial agreement

I do love him. I just love myself way more and can’t see this working and pushing the chat about finances and the responses I’ve been given has sealed my view really

You can't afford to do as he wants.
Also you need to keep your home in case you need it in future. you would have to live off the capital from selling it if you moved in with him.
I ts a shame things have gone this far without this being discussed.

I do love him. I just love myself way more

Love this. More women need to embrace this.

Run OP, spreadsheets + weird manipulative lodger comment + assumption you'll take on the financial responsibility of his family without questions = hell

You deserve better x

OP you'd be mad to move somewhere where your living expenses are higher than now, and you'd have no disposable income.

But the most important thing here is you'd have no stake in the property you're paying half the mortgage for - and no security either, he could literally throw you out of there if he wanted. So the only benefit to you is living in a nice big house for as long as he lets you do so.

I also think you'd end up being carer for his parents... he's laughing with this arrangement. Half the mortgage/bills paid and as PP said, a live in housekeeper.

Is your partner on the spectrum? Because his inability to see things at all from your perspective even when you've carefully explained them to him is very similar to an ex of mine with ASD.

The comment about needing to get a lodger if you can't move in straight away does seem to indicate that your financial input was very much needed and counted on. All without any discussion, rather seeming to be the logic going on in his head becoming an expectation even before discussion. Another suggestion of his being on the spectrum.

I would kindly and lovingly explain that while you value him and your relationship, that you need to prioritise your financial security, by staying where you are, in your own home.

No way. You would have fewer rights than a lodger!

Keep your financial independence, he is taking the piss.

I think you actually need to talk to him, cards on the table. A lot of the responses here have jumped to ‘he’s bad’, but he genuinely might not understand what he’s asking, from your perspective. He’s likely not thought through the questions of elder care, children moving back in, and he may be basing his suggestion of equal payments on ‘equality’.

So talk to him. Don’t jump to conclusions. But at the end of the day, don’t put yourself in a bad position to please him.

Mind-boggling that he expects you to leap at the chance of being worse off with no housing security for the sake of being with him.

I'm so glad you're not so daft.

Your terrace sounds lovely. Not least because it’s all yours. Preserve your independence

You don’t move in, sell you house (your security) and pay board to this man without owning the house jointly. No way. Why on earth would you do that? Pay more for no stake in the home. It seems baffling that he ever thought you would.

And you even told him not to factor in your money. Yet it seems he has done.

Don't be worrying about the bedrooms for your kids - he is just using that to trap you.

Also I wouldn’t be moving in anywhere with his parents in an annexe - they will need care soon and you’ll be the one in the frame for that, no doubt. Because of this important job. Which benefits you nothing.

By then you won’t be able to move out as you’ll have staked everything on this house.

OP, can I start by saying you are entirely right not to want to risk your financial security or to pay equal shares for a property you don’t have stake in; moreover when he earns so much more.

I am not quite as convinced that he’s as cheeky as some posters think though. He might just be a bit blinkered about the finances. And it sounds as though he has over stretched himself. The fact he has created rooms for your children suggests a degree of good faith.

Would it work for you to rent your house out rather than sell it and you retain the security of a capital asset (or sell and buy somewhere else) and you live with him on a trial basis (I only say this as you wanted to move anyway) having clearly explained that you are unwilling to contribute more forwards the household than whatever sum leaves you with the same disposable income as you have currently. It’s open to you to do some spreadsheets of your own. Plainly if he didn’t accept that then that would be it.

I am not suggesting you should do any of this of course. Don’t tie yourself up in knots for him if you are getting nothing back. I am just suggesting a possible approach to things if you wanted to explore the possibility. Best wishes.

Is he lining you up as a carer for his parents? That would worry me just as much as the financial advantage taking.

He's assumed quite a lot, as wealthy men often do. Started picking your DCs paint colours before tying up the financials. As he's used to people falling in line, you should be prepared for major strops when you propose living apart together.

If he is so great in other ways why is this something he can't seem to understand?

Is he tight with money generally?

The fact he has created rooms for your children suggests a degree of good faith emotional manipulation.

So you're not on the needs to the house but he wants you to pay half !!!!! Absolutely creepy fuckery op. Seriously consider leaving this relationship and live your life in peace in your little house. Men never cease to amazed me with their audacity

The fact that he "kept being evasive" about the finances for months, despite you asking him several times, does not cast him in a good light.
That tells me that he knows this is not a great deal for you.
But let's look at said deal...

Housing
Like others have said, I do think it's fair to make some kind of payment for housing costs as well as utilities , although not 50% of what is probably a fairly hefty mortgage.
If you were keen to move in, you could work out an amount that is fair for both of you.

Parents
What is the deal re his parents living there? Have they sold a property and put money in to this house?
Are they contributing to the mortgage?
If so, why are you expected to pay half?
Do they have separate utilities accounts for their annex, which they pay, or is there just one account for the whole property? In which case why would you be expected to pay half of that?!
What are his plans for his parents' care in years to come?

Your DCs
Would they really be welcome to live in the house if they needed to?
How would they feel about staying or living there?

Your job
How easy would it be to find work locally?

Your house
You have options here - if you rented it out, would the rental cover the costs? (mortgage and maintenance).
If you sold it could you buy something smaller, rent that out, and invest any left over money?

Perhaps a compromise could be that he gets a lodger to ease his financial burden while you finish your own house renovations and consider where/how you want to live.

And further discussion could be had about what % you pay towards housing and utilities, obviously you will not want to be worse off!

Lots of possibilities, OP, but the bottom line is - do you love him and want to live with him? Or not.

@HolyCheeses So he said you needed a prenup in case you got married to make sure you had no stakes in a house you paid mortgage into. Fuck that

Another solution, he sells up and moves in with you and pays half your mortgage…

He knows its unfair to ask you. Thats why he's decorated your kids rooms while refusing to discuss finances, and now guilting you with the lodger crap.

He doesn't need a lodger to afford his mortgage, they've done affordability checks on him, he can afford it. He's just trying to guilt you.

Tell him you'll pay half the mortgage if he puts you on the deeds as a 5050 owner.

Why would you pay towards buying him a house? He wouldnt even pay towards buying you a holiday when he was whining about it.

He'd be better off, you'd be worse off, financially and security, and lifestyle. Why would someone who loves you want that?

Not the biggest issue with all this, but cast a cold, clear eye at the granny annexe. Although his parents will be living under a separate roof they will still be living at the property and you could easily find yourself spending a lot more time with them than you would want. You might also find yourself taking on some level of care for them which would increase as they age.

Why give up the security of owning your own home to become a lodger in someone else’s house, at great expense to you?

Was just going to say the same thing.

Would his parents have their own accounts for bills, insurances and council tax purposes? Or would you be subsidising them too? It sounds like he has completely overstretched himself and is now looking for someone to help. I wouldn't ever consider moving in and paying the mortgage unless my name was on it. You also need to know everything about his finances before joining yours to his - salary, debts, pensions, life insurance etc.

Another thing to consider is what would happen were he to die before his parents - would he leave the house to you, them or someone else?