AIBU to refuse moving in if asked to pay half his mortgage?

[HolyCheeses]

I have a small house here which I am renovating alone with a view to then downsize slightly leaving me with a smaller mortgage (I have 3 adult 18+ DC all at uni/jobs living independently)

My Boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years

Hes almost finishing renovating a huge property with an annexe for his parents. Hes asked me to move and has asked me to be very involved with decision making for the home -

Hes 8 weeks away from being able to move back in and has been asking about planning and pushing for me to give him a date for relocation . I told him we’d need to discuss finances first. His idea of fair varies massively from mine.

He has proposed we split the bills down the middle 50:50 and the same for his mortgage.

They would leave me worse off than where I am now. Having to find and settle into a new job and location is a risk as it is and I’d have no disposable income after such huge living costs

He earns twice what I do and I don’t feel comfortable paying towards a mortgage of a property I’d not have a stake in subsidising his asset whilst diminishing my financial stability.

he cannot see my point of view at all and has told me I’d pay the same in rent in a flat but that’s not the point - I’d be better off where I am

i am being unreasonable- he’s seems bereft and stunned I’m not leaping at the chance to move next month!??

Sounds like he wants your financial contribution as he's over stretched himself with the big house and you would likely, in time, end up being his parent's carer. It would be a no from me...

Did he also want 2 grand for gas and electric? I think you would be paying all his costs and 100% of his mortgage too.

£1400 for shopping, where, Fortnum and Mason?

He is taking the piss.

If you have 3 adult children and a property that you own, and you want to downsize, I think you need to think of your own needs, not to take on someone else's.

Are you planning to sell your property to buy somewhere else, to let it to buy somewhere else, or to let it to rent somewhere else? Do you have debts to pay off, or are you planning to put any cash made available by downsizing into pension, investments and/or cash savings? Or spend some on travel or something else special and then save the rest.

What if one of your kids, currently independent, needs some help in the future?

Tell your partner that the comparison with what he's suggesting shouldn't be the costs of renting a flat, it's the costs of what you have now, and the option to downsize.

And the fact that it what he wants you to pay into is an extension to his family home, again, why would you want to give up your independence/some freedom for that?

That’s the only sensible option. You can’t be expected to pay 50% when your earnings won’t allow it. You both pay a % equal to your earnings. It’s the only way to be fair

Also I agree with why others have said. He wants to commit your finances together so much that what married couples do so… ( plus gives you legal protections)

Those are thumb sucked amounts I bet.

My guess is that he has not thought any of this through properly, and this was handed over to keep OP quiet from asking for more details.

It is probably more a case of
"Ooh I want a big house. It will make me look like I made it if I buy a big house".
"Oooh yes mum and dad you come and live with me, I am not having just any old person looking after you both. Only the best for me and my mum and dad"

To OP " We will have a dream house. Wanna move in and also live in the big house? Please, please move in, it will be great to have you there. I will ask your dc what colour I can paint the room they want to move into. They will love that you are going to live in a big house. You might need to move your job and sell your place and then we can make it work. But we can sort out the finances as we go along"

Meanwhile: damn, guess I better see how much money I will need to run this big house. Oh maybe a bit more that I thought. I'll just tell OP its X amount each month and if she asks how that amount is made up, I will just wing it.

If it was me in this situation I’d hang on to my independence. He’s made a lot of assumptions, how dare he make these decisions for you? Keep your job and your house and your independence. If that is relationship ending then so be it, it’s a small price to pay (can only speak for how I would feel obviously).

What is he eating for £1400 a month for the two of you?!

Unicorn pate.

You could also end up caring for his elderly parents…….as well as funding his big house dreams!

"You know, you've got a point about the costs of dog walking and cleaning. If only there was some mug here who'd do all of that too..."

Tell him to cancel Sky. I'll provide the entertainment. I'll sing Oh My Darling Clementine accompanied by my two-stringed banjo.

NEVER give up your home for a man. Repeated x million. I would also be very wary to relocate with no job lined up. I would even think twice about continuing the relationship, going on how selfish and what a user he sounds.

😂😂😂😂

This, with bells on!! Don't do it OP! You've shown you are strong and resourceful, don't give up everything for someone like this!!!

Why on earth would you do this? Does he not care you'd be worse off financially? Of course he'd love it if you moved in and paid half his mortgage- how cheeky. Def don't do this unless you can find a solution that is fair to you. Don't settle for anything less esp if he's a higher earner than you.

Men are so tight honestly

Just popping back on to say the expenses list was laughable.
I shop in Marks and Spencer and with three adults (including two special diets) we spend £800 tops with steak, salmon, Sunday roast. Lots of fruit. We don't drink though and only buy for guests so I think he's building a wine cellar!

I hope you're feeling strong OP.
My bff got stung years ago and gave up her property. She later bought a pink house with a small sofa and small bed to keep the cocklodgers away. It still makes me laugh, we call it the Hello Kitty house.

No No No No No!!!

Do NOT under ANY circumstances sell your home!!!!!

You are currently financially independent and solvent - after a long and messy divorce.

Please give your head a wobble and ask yourself why you would even consider selling up and losing your financial stability!!!!

(p.s. sorry of if I have missed posts and am behind the times here - but just to reiterate NO NO NO)

Ramit Sethi has a great book and podcast on money for couples. I would recommend looking at it, even if you've decided to end this relationship, as a way to think about any future relationship and finances.
I agree 50/50 bills can be acceptable IF "normal" home with comparable salaries. With different salaries and if one is the home owner things need to be considered differently. Porportionally can be fairer: unless one is choosing part time easier job but expecting their partner to do fulltime high stress job to msintsin their joint lifestyle etc.Fairness should feel good whichever position you are in. If he'd moved in with you and paid half your mortgage with no name on deed would he consider that fair?

You need to screenshot this and read it back to yourself if you ever waver @HolyCheeses - you will spend the next X amount of years facilitating this man’s life, looking after his parents and supplementing his bank account. All at the expense of your own health, financial security and future.

That food budget will include his parents and his dogs as well, I’m sure of it. And the Lord of the Manor cannot do without his caviar!

Oh he knows. That’s why he’s applying the pressure, he doesn’t want to give her time to think things through or to have any discussions about it.

I think 50% of bill/ utilities is fine in this situation. I wouldn’t be paying his mortgage unless I had a stake in the property. The argument that you would pay more to rent privately is lost on me, because he is not your landlord and tenants have their own rights.

So he bought & renovated this house without any discussion with you? But expects you now to help him pay for it?

No way!

Per month?? Plus £1400 food? Has he plucked these numbers out of thin air or has he bought a mansion in central London?

I don't spend £700 a month for 5 adults.

Oh that sounds grossly unfair

It sounds like your only options are live apart in your own homes, but still be partners, or get married and then the worries you have are mitigated to a degree.

That said, there’s not a chance I would move in with him under these circumstances as I would worry that you would end up being proxy carer to his parents when they move in!

Hope you come to a suitable conclusion x