AIBU to refuse moving in if asked to pay half his mortgage?

[HolyCheeses]

I have a small house here which I am renovating alone with a view to then downsize slightly leaving me with a smaller mortgage (I have 3 adult 18+ DC all at uni/jobs living independently)

My Boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years

Hes almost finishing renovating a huge property with an annexe for his parents. Hes asked me to move and has asked me to be very involved with decision making for the home -

Hes 8 weeks away from being able to move back in and has been asking about planning and pushing for me to give him a date for relocation . I told him we’d need to discuss finances first. His idea of fair varies massively from mine.

He has proposed we split the bills down the middle 50:50 and the same for his mortgage.

They would leave me worse off than where I am now. Having to find and settle into a new job and location is a risk as it is and I’d have no disposable income after such huge living costs

He earns twice what I do and I don’t feel comfortable paying towards a mortgage of a property I’d not have a stake in subsidising his asset whilst diminishing my financial stability.

he cannot see my point of view at all and has told me I’d pay the same in rent in a flat but that’s not the point - I’d be better off where I am

i am being unreasonable- he’s seems bereft and stunned I’m not leaping at the chance to move next month!??

Ha. Either that was a lie or his plan is 50% costs you, 10% his parents and 40% him, what possible other way could he be planning it? Tell him you’ve bought a house that the two of you could live in, you’ve been so busy with the plans you haven’t had time, but you settle in a month and he can pay 50% of bills and mortgage and he’s so lucky.

Darling, Mum has a series of hospital appointments coming up and I can't possibly take time off from my important job that pays so much more than yours does, can you book holiday and take her?

What do you mean "no"? Is this a partnership of equals or not?

If you had chosen to move there, you'd be more present and the asks would start building...

I'm starting to wonder if he's trying to get it all free for him. He wants you to pay 50% and has said his parent won't get away scot free? Maybe he's given them the other 50% to pay and he pays nothing.
Either way I'd throw this one back.

It's amazing how these men behave.

A one time I had my own flat and two rental properties. My partner and I were discussing moving in together. He revealed that he was around £20k in debt and said I'd have to sell all of my properties to buy us somewhere to live. I said no, obviously. I told him that I wouldn't consider living with him until he was out of debt. He was beyond baffled about why his debt and inability to contribute to the purchase was such a problem. I ran into him years after we finished and he proudly told me he'd paid off the debt and now owned a house. What he'd actually done was take a 110% mortgage (remember them?) and paid off the debt with the surplus. Not really paid off then was it?

By the next relationship I still had two properties (and two mortgages). This fucker kept trying to tie me down but we'd only been together a few months. He was pushing to put me on his mortgage to give me 'security'. No, a mortgage is a debt. It's a liability especially as I had two already. I asked him what would happen if he lost his job. Apparently I'd have to sell my two flats to pay his mortgage. That was another no thanks.

The solution with these men is always the same. Your money.

Well, you have to give it to the cheeky fucker, 50/50 is very straightforward. It’s just not fair.

I wonder if the annex is just a way of getting at any money his parents have now, to avoid their money being swallowed up by care costs. In their 80's and with his mum's falls, it sounds like she may need a lot of care. OP won't benefit, obviously - their money is more likely to go towards paying his mortgage off and possibly bills, including council tax, for the annex.

I commented earlier on this thread and I am so glad you are not going ahead with this insane offer!!! You have absolutely everything to lose & nothing to gain. Please come back & tell us how it went when you tell him that unfortunately you will not be going ahead with his plan….. note it’s his plan zero communication with you until the last stage. Good luck

I did ask re the parents and was told they wouldn’t be ‘getting off scott free’ again woolly and no clarity

I’m guessing he sold their property to fund his big house?

With that money and your anticipated 50% monthly contribution for mortgage and bills, he would have been sitting pretty.

Put like that, its basically a living in job without wages, where you pay for your own board and lodging.

As @GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing said... there is something odd about "they won't be getting off scott free" he didn't say the word "either" but I can almost hear it. I think that's unmasking.
Also, not getting off scott free does sound like they've sold up and moved into the annex and are therefore funding him too.

OP you mentioned that to move in as he suggested, you'd have to leave your present job where you have established employment rights and pension etc... Job hunting might prove harder than expected and you might have to take a pay cut... not much of a jump from that to "Since you have the time at the moment, you could help out with my parents whilst you look for work" and to "save money, you could do the cleaning and housekeeping" ... until you find work. I think it would be easy to get drawn into helping and once you've agreed once... its harder to say no again, because the parents really "like" you and know you and they'd be happier with that than with a stranger etc.. etc.

BTW - you haven't been dim at all. you've seen through it in time. It's very difficult dealing with someone who isn't open and won't discuss things but just expects people to go along with their plans, because we usually trust people we are in a relationship with and give them the benefit of the doubt. But his secrecy until now is a breach of trust that one can't unsee. It must be very hard, but you've made the right decision to hold on to your independence, your job, and your own abode.

Has he discussed possible care for parents? I bet he has a great idea about you getting to know them better whilst you run around after them, paying for their housing and food too!!

@HolyCheeses I’m interested to know if he has siblings? Has his parents invested all their money into the annex for his house? If they have, he’s likely swindled future inheritance from any siblings.

A spreadsheet??? How long had he been cooking that up?

Nah, if he's got time to do a spreadsheet of all the costings, he's got time to sit down and discuss it like a grown-up.

No siblings

He does not want them going into care
has been very clear about this. Said he’d prefer to pay for care brought in
😖

no that won’t be me

The problem is, if you were living there you would end up caring for them too. Carers come in for half hour or hour a day unless they can fund expensive private care. Whatever he says now, you would end up caring for them, maybe between you and if you’re happy to then that’s fine

Well it's clearly not step one of his plan, its a bit further down the page. A few years ago would you be able to foresee getting yourself into this situation: losing your own home and job to enable his life plans? And you're on the verge of doing that. Going from that to caring for his parents when needed is a relatively small step, and by that point you'd be too trapped to get out of it!

So now you know YANBU @HolyCheeses, what's your next step?

No I don’t want to care for anyone’s elderly parents

I’ve spend most of my adult life caring for others

Maybe his dps sold and now have a big savings pot to fund visiting carers (could be looking at upwards of £50k pa), and are going to be paying him rent and bills out of their pensions. (Either inside or additional to the 100% that was to be halved, how we'd all love a look at that spreadsheet 😂)

Someone has to take on quite a burden organising and managing it, even if the recipients are paying it tends to be the child/ren.

If he had thought it through, I'm sure he was looking forward to OPs support here.

But it's not OPs problem now, luckily! (So of course it isn't really our problem either, but I'm as fascinated by his cfery as all of us are....)

Telling him face to face that I won’t be moving

then head down and into my own Reno- picking up where I left off

Well that's what will happen. He 'got stroppy' when you couldn't go on holiday with him- that's a drop in the ocean compared to the guilt tripping you'll get over his parents! That should have been your cue to break up: always say no to someone in the early stages of dating and observe how they react to it.

Are care costs on his spreadsheet?

Are his parents' contribution on his spreadsheet? Surely they'll be contributing towards bills and food, etc?

That's 100% the right thing to do. He won't like it, but tough. He shouldn't have future-planned his finances without checking first.

No the parents contribution was not on the spreadsheets

Food per month was down as £1400
madness

Just the monthly outgoings to be shared